SUBURGATORY Recap: Downtime and How to Deal

SUBURGATORY is back and I could not be happier.

How I’ve missed this show, case in point, SUBURGATORY opening on Lisa at the doctor’s office. Except it isn’t just any doctor, it’s a pediatrician. Think elephant exam table and brightly painted walls.
After a lot interrupting by Shelia Shay we find out Lisa is in love. This, according to Shelia, is fine as long as he isn’t a drifter or Arthur Fonzarelli, because he’s fictional.

Noah dressed like a flamboyant pirate in a turquoise bandana and open to his navel dress shirt is talking to George while eating lunch at the club. Noah is explaining that Jill broke their bed. She was doing things to Noah that would have broken a KGB agent. George loses his appetite while Noah is going on and on about the intercourse he and his wife are having.
Apparently fixing a broken shower and picking your wife up on a horse does something for a lady.

Thankfully Dallas shows up and George is very grateful for the distraction. Her divorce is final though and George is worried about her. Dallas assures him she has been filling her days with fun and medicates herself at night to sleep. She is fine. So that seems totally healthy.

Tessa is at school reading in the bathroom stall. Lisa joins her by sliding underneath the stall door. Now I’m sure this isn’t the case in Chatswin but where I went to high school there wasn’t any way I would have laid down on the bathroom floor, but I digress…
Lisa is there to tell Tessa she has taken Malik as a lover. When Tessa says she knows, Lisa asks if she heard it from her Mother. Tessa assures her she can just tell since she saw them together at the water fountain earlier.
Insert slow motion shot of Malik holding back Lisa’s hair as she drinks from the water fountain.

Lisa: I want you to know that while he and I will most likely be exploring parts of each other’s bodies that are difficult to clean; my relationship with you will remain unchanged. We are like Thelma and that other hoe.

At the malt shop Lisa and Malik are trying to pick their couple name, like Malisa or Lislik. There is more slow motion, this time they are feeding each other ice cream. Tessa is uncomfortable.

Carmen is getting ready to take Dalia to therapy. Dallas wants to tag along. Her plans fell thru and now she has nothing to do all evening. She even tries to invite herself along to visit Carmen’s Uncle in Hospice.

The next morning at The Shay’s Malik has been invited over for breakfast.
Shelia: I think he has a young Obama quality. I see a young Obama, meets Denzel, meets Sammy Davis Jr.
Lisa: You are just naming black people
Shelia: Meets Montel Jordan.
While they are eating Tessa texts wanting to know their weekend plans. Lisa is concerned Tessa will feel like a third wheel if they don’t set her up with her own special someone.
Ryan is sitting across the table from Lisa and Malik listening to all of this.

George and Noah are outside Dallas’s house. They are going mattress shopping and George thought it would be a good idea to bring Dallas. Dallas gets in the car and tells the boys she brought a jacket for every occasion and a cape just in case they are going to see some opera.

Dalia is at therapy with none other than James Lipton. She uses Dalia words like angerment to describe how she feels about the one to blame for the divorce. Turns out her angerment is directed at the dog, Yakult. And when her therapist, James Lipton, brings in the dog she confronts her for being the cause of the divorce.

Malik has been trying to help Evan “get with” Tessa. The result is Evan coming up to Tessa by her locker and saying, “I don’t want to see no panties tonight” and “Take off that brazier my dear.” Tessa is not amused and I can’t figure out how Malik even got Lisa to like him with pick-up lines like that.
Tessa is further annoyed when she sees Lisa and Malik watching from down the hall. She doesn’t need them to set her up with anyone.
Poor Evan, this is the farthest he has ever gone with a girl.

At the mattress store Noah is doing X-rated push-ups on a mattress while Dallas, George and the salesman look on in slight horror. After some thrusts and a sales pitch that states this is the Rolls Royce of mattresses he decides to buy it.

Dallas and George are looking at the tab on the mattress. George thinks it is an obscene amount to pay but Dallas is fixated on the part that reads, “The honeymoon never has to end.” She starts to cry. Maybe she and Steve just had the wrong mattress. Dallas lies on the bed and really starts to sob.

Tessa is at home talking to herself in the bathroom mirror. She is a unicycle, she isn’t a third wheel. She is glad to have the night to herself.
She had a light dinner, a stick of butter she just took a big old bite off of. Watched a thought provoking documentary, Extreme Home Makeover and reconnected with old friends, her Barbie’s.
She was in the kitchen about to take another bite of butter when Ryan knocks on her back door. He has been watching her from the bushes all night. When he heard Lisa talking he thought, Tessa made out with Ryan Shay, she can get anyone. Now he isn’t so sure. He is disappointed in her and goes to leave. She says she isn’t herself. He asks her if she wants to go get something to eat, her pajamas are making him hungry. Her pajamas have bacon, eggs, pancakes and toast on them.

Back at the mattress store Dallas is still curled up on Noah’s new bed. The store is about to close and both Noah and the salesman want George to fix this. Dalia calls and needs to be picked up so George sends Noah to her so he can deal with an almost catatonic Dallas.

Noah has picked up Dalia and they are eating Chinese food on the hood of George’s Prius. Dalia confides in Noah that she doesn’t think Dallas should be upset. She didn’t want to live with Dalia’s Dad but Dalia still did. Dalia, in the closest thing I’ve seen to her showing real emotion, says she is all alone. Especially since her Mom wouldn’t buy her the monkey from The Hangover. Noah wants to know if Dalia has ever seen the movie Kangaroo Jack.

George and Dallas are lying on the bed, at the now closed mattress store. He is telling Dallas that he lay around a lot after his divorce and watched People’s Court, but he realized that being a single parent means you don’t get the luxury of being depressed. You have to get up and take care of your kid. Dallas says she has Carmen to help take care of her kid. George says sure (and now they are laying face to face much like in Pretty Woman) but Carmen isn’t Dalia’s Mother and that is reason enough to get up.
Dallas sits up and wipes her eyes. She wants to know if she is okay. George says of course she is. Dallas is suddenly smiling because she is going to need to get a whole new depressed person wardrobe.

Lisa and Malik are out on a date. We get more slow motion of Lisa eating fondue.
Tessa and Ryan walk into the restaurant but Tessa quickly pulls Ryan back out. She doesn’t want Lisa to see them. Ryan however wants a bowl of wet hot cheese and they have really long forks.
Tessa gives in and they find a table.
Unfortunately Lisa sees them and after accidentally stabbing Malik in the mouth with her fondue fork, rushes over to Tessa’s table. She thinks Tessa has bottomed out, but Tessa tells her she is fine and Lisa has to stop pitying her. In fact she is having a nice time with Ryan. Lisa looks doubtful but leaves them to their dinner.

Dallas comes home with a bunch of shopping bags. She sits down next to Dalia. She knows Dalia is mad at her but she is trying to show Dalia that if you aren’t happy in your life it is your responsibility to fix it. No one else will fix it for you.
Dalia knows this, which is why she made Uncle Noah buy her a Kangaroo Jack. In hops a kangaroo wearing a shirt. Dallas is pretty sure she said no movie pets. Dalia is just glad this pet has a pocket to keep her cell phone in.
I’m not even going to wonder where Noah found a kangaroo in Chatswin.

Ryan is walking Tessa up to her door and she thanks him for getting her out of the house. He tells her his Mom says you should always send a thank you card after someone does something for you. Instead of a thank you card though he would like Tessa to let him touch her boob, either one is fine.
She looks at him like she is indulging a child, opens her jacket and says he has three seconds. He closes his eyes and goes for it. He is all cute and shy looking after the three seconds. He asks her address and Tessa says he doesn’t have to send her a thank you card.

SUBURGATORY airs Wednesday at 8:30/7:30c on ABC