NEW GIRL Recap: The Spilling of the Secrets

I know this episode was mainly about Cece and Schmitt’s secret coming out but really, it was Winston’s episode. His rant at the end was beyond awesome. We’ll get there in a moment.

Jess shows up at Cece’s door bouncing around and ready to go running. Apparently the Diane Keaton autobiography she is listening to is really getting her pumped. They are supposed to be training for a charity 10K and Cece keeps bailing. Cece has a bunch of reasons why she can’t go, the best one being her model roommate is super devastated because she accidentally ate a cookie.
Cece finally gets Jess out the door and Schmitt pops up from under the couch cushions. “Good thing I’m a quiet breather! I learned that as a kid playing ‘Who passed out’ with my mom. My mom always won!”
*every time Schmitt reveals a bit of his childhood I want to hug him.*
Cece’s Russian model roommate takes this moment to point and yell, “Jew in the couch!” Schmidt says “She’s not wrong.”

Back at the loft Winston is on the couch and he looks a little strung out. Nick is escorting a girl out of the apartment. She wants to know if he will call her, he start coughing like he is trying to expel a lung. Nick just keeps coughing until she leaves. Nick laments to Winston that he can’t keep sleeping with 21 year old girls like he has been for the last few weeks.
*So apparently Ponytail’s visit had some lasting effects.*

Winston looks really antsy. He says he saw something and even though he was sworn to secrecy it is just too big to keep to himself. Now it’s Nick’s turn to freak out. He can’t keep a secret, he can’t lie and just thinking about a secret turns his back into a slip and slide of sweat. He tries to back out of the room but Winston chases him down. They have a hand to face mini scuffle. Nick does NOT want to know the secret. Winston overcomes him though and blurts it out. Nicks shocked and disgusted frowny face is so great. It’s only about 15 seconds of the episode but he is so disturbed by the thought of Cece and Schmitt that he contorts his face into the most awful of expressions.
Nick: “This makes me hate things.” Winston: “Up is the new down.”
*I must have watched the scene at least 4 times.*

The secret doesn’t remain so much longer. Jess shows up and notices Nick acting so weird and awkward that she knows he has a secret. She makes him show her his back and when she sees the sweat tells him to, “Fold like a lawn chair.” Which he does just as Schmitt enters.
Schmitt: “You told sweat back, come on Winston!”
Jess is upset, but Schmitt being ever so Schmitt says sure he is sorry she found out this way but, “Can we just take a moment to celebrate me? I mean, I’m having Indian every night!”
Jess yells NO and chases him out of the apartment screaming.

The gang is sitting around the table. It looks a lot like a pair of kids (Schmitt and Cece) being caught by their parent (Jess). Cece is sorry she didn’t tell her. It was just something that happened and got out of control, like poison oak.
Jess just wants to know how long it was going on. Schmitt has the exact time and date “1:03AM, Feb 15th.” Cece says two months.
Jess: “Two moons have passed since you started doing it?” Winston: “Why do you start talking like a Native American when you get angry?”
Jess storm out.

Nick is trying to get another young lady out of the apartment (Katrina Bowden), but first they have to find her scarf because, “It’s a circle so you never have to think about which end goes on the right or left.”
*Things I can’t quite remember worrying about when I was 20…*
When Nick’s phone rings she starts to question who it is in a very Fatal Attraction way. Nick, not being a good liar, freaks out and throws the phone against the wall shattering it.
*I gasp…he JUST got that phone and from Russell, the man he loves.*

After the sorority chick leaves Nick sits down and tells Schmitt he needs his help. Nick hates to admit it but Schmitt has come a long way and he might respect him.
Schmitt: “Since my 20’s I’ve had a string of lesser paramours which like weathered stone steps have led me to the Hindu temple, AKA Cece, because she is Indian.”
Cue a flash back to Fat Schmitt making out with a not so skinny woman while “Let’s Get It Started In Here” plays. Nick (homeless looking with a soul patch) and Winston (corn rows) are on the couch watching. Schmitt, “”Sex, man. It’s the real stuff!”
Nick reiterates he needs Schmitt to teach him how to be a douchebag. Winston can’t figure out what is happening in the world.

Schmitt is schooling Nick with an invisible chalk board where he pretends to write things down. Nicks basic problem is he is bad at lying. Schmitt, pretending to be one of Nick’s girls, asks what happened to your cell phone. Nick yells, “Jesus took it. The environment. Bears. Magic!”
After a brief look of concern Schmitt moves this tutorial to the bedroom. Winston says this is one of the weirder things they have done.
Schmitt is still pretending to be a girl while lying on the bed facing Nick.

Jess busts in the room and announces she can’t live in a house of lies. She starts telling secrets (which are at the end of this post in the quote section). It doesn’t go as planned though because she finds out they all have thought about her while, “Self completing”. Schmitt was thinking about bangs and her face just appeared below them. Winston’s Jess occurred in a dream and had raccoon hands and Nick, to no one’s surprise, has thought about her more than once.
Schmitt: “It’s the sincerest form of flattery.”
She says they are going back to keeping secrets.

The next day Jess is in the kitchen covered in a ski mask and a down jacket (in an attempt to discourage her roommate’s thoughts). Cece comes out of Schmitt’s room and says she doesn’t want to fight with Jess. She didn’t tell her because she feels judged when telling her things.
Schmitt comes out of his room to see Jess in her winter finery.
Schmitt: “Jess, please, a winter hat is not going to stop us from thinking of you from time to time when we delight ourselves.”
Nick says this is actually sort of a fantasy of his: “The ice roads are too dangerous…you are going to have to turn back chief.”

There is a knock on the door. It is the sorority chick again. She wants her scarf. It’s 62 degrees and she is freezing.
*If she weighted a little more or lived in Seattle she would think 62 was balmy*
Nick is trying to get her out of the apartment when another girl comes out of his bedroom wearing the circle scarf.
Everything breaks down pretty quickly. The girls are fighting for the scarf while Nick tries to get between them. Jess and Cece are fighting and Cece is admitting she owns a motorcycle and spent New Year’s in St. Barths with an arms dealer. Jess holds it together until Cece says in 1991 she saw My Girl with “Jessica Freaking P.” before seeing it with Jess.
This ruckus wakes up Winston who comes out into the living room and takes control. He summons, Theodore K. Mullins, Nick’s lover on the down low. He launches into an impressive Southern Baptist Preacher voice.
*You have to watch this scene…it is the most glorious thing ever!*
Winston ends the speech with, “Give her the scarf back, finders keepers is not a thing.”
To Nick: “You’re sweating so much it looks like rain.”
To Schmidt: “You’re at the prime of your life, that’s actually pretty… *he claps*.”
To Cece: “Get rid of the motorcycle!”
To Jess: “Don’t act like you haven’t thought about us, too, when you’re going solo. Okay? I don’t work 9-5 all day, I can hear you.”

Later the boys are on the sidelines watching the 10K run. Cece and Jess are still mad at each other and Jess is a terrible runner. Jess has an epiphany though, she sees Schmitt in a shirt that says, “See Cece Run” and not only did Cece let him wear it she thought it was funny. That’s when Jess knows that Cece likes Schmitt. She tells Cece she knows that is why Cece didn’t tell her. She wasn’t ready to admit it to herself yet.

And Schmitt’s douchebag class pays off for Nick when two girls, both of whom Nick slept with, run up to them during the race. Nick channels Schmitt and lies flawlessly. Schmitt is pretty proud.

We end with Jess watching Schmitt and Cece in the kitchen cooking and playfully arguing/bantering back and forth. She thinks they are a cute couple.
As per my usual I have written too much…so I’ll leave you with the following funny quotes:

Jess: “I’m sorry, I can’t hear you. Diane Keaton’s talking about her rich life full of loyal friends!”
Winston asking Cece why she is sleeping with Schmitt:
“Are you trying to get back at your parents?”
“Is it a pity thing?”
“Is he sick?”
“Are you working for the government?”
“Are you tired of being turned on?”
“Do you have a mole fetish?”
“Is it huge? I’m sorry, let me rephrase that: Is it huge?”
Schmidt: We want to focus on SSV — Short, Simple… *points to Nick*
Nick: Vagina…?
Schmidt: Vague. It’s actually vague.

Jess: From now on, we are going to be open and honest in this loft, and that means that I have some secrets that I want to get off my chest. Schmidt, a couple months ago, I found Nick using your chenille throw as a napkin.
Schmidt: That is a microfiber blend from Pakistan, you heathen!
Nick: Stop quoting the catalog like a weirdo.
Jess: This is healthy. Air it out. All right, one more — Schmidt said that Winston is in danger of becoming a nanny for life. He said you were going “full Poppins.”
Jess’s deepest secrets as told to Cece over the years:
“That’s what second base means? Then I’m not a virgin anymore!”
“Is it weird that he wants me to talk in a deep voice and call myself Kevin?”
“I had a dream that I killed you.”

Nick: Why do all female runners look like old German women when they run?
Schmidt: Oh, Cece. That sports bra is doing God’s work right now!

NEW GIRL airs 9/8c on Fox