NEW GIRL Recap: Exes

Another new episode of New Girl this week and this episode deals with exes.

Nick runs into Caroline at the market. As you can imagine he doesn’t deal with it very well. According to Nick “You burn them swiftly and you give their ashes to Poseidon.” Seems healthy. Jess of course doesn’t agree. This brings up the old debate where Nick thinks everyone is basically bad/or wants something and Jess thinks everyone is basically good.

This debate is interrupted by an announcement from Schmidt. He finally finished his loft. He is super excited but no one else seems to care. Poor Schmidt.

Back to Nick and Jess discussing Caroline. Jess thinks he needs closure but Nick is fine the way he is. Besides he says Caroline has a crazy streak and he doesn’t want her to hurt him physically or with her words. Again, seems healthy.

At the bar Schmidt is still excited about his loft being finished and he tries to tell a cute girl all about it but it comes out a total mess. You would think it was Winston hitting on this girl instead of Schmidt. Cece, who is working at the bar, asks him what is wrong. He is in a sexual draught. Poor Schmidt. Cece says living alone is messing up Schmidt’s vibe, it has made him creepy. He insists he loves living alone but we see a flash of him crying alone in his apartment.

Across town Caroline and Nick are sitting down for coffee. She wants to know why he just walked out. He is uncomfortable and awkward. A few moments later Jess and Nick are walking back towards the loft when Caroline drives by and sees them kiss. Turns out Nick forgot to mention he was dating Jess now. Caroline is not pleased.

Jess can’t understand how their relationship didn’t’ come up. Really? You aren’t sure how Nick messed up the meeting with his ex that he didn’t want to have? Shocking.
Things Nick talked about with Caroline instead of anything important:
What it would be like to not have a thumb
How he found a bunch of clothes that fit him in the dumpster one day – maybe someone died
“…take the Underground and spend my quid.” This gem is said in a bad British accent
Caroline calling Nick’s cell interrupts this craziness only Nick doesn’t answer. Jess thinks Nick should talk to Burkley, her ex. They are great friends with closure and just all around unawkward friendship. She texts Burkley. Nick is still pretty sure all Burkley wants is sex. That’s all an ex could want according to him. Maybe he does need Burkley’s help as now Caroline is texting him scripture with lots of swear words. That’s a new one. Nick agrees to have Burkley come over.

Across the hall Winston and Coach finally go see Schmidt’s place. “It’s like a European airport.” It is actually quite nice. As if Schmidt would have anything less. Apparently there are 15 different places to do it in Schmidt’s open living room area. Oh…there is the Schmidt I want to hate but can’t. He even made the guys keys. Poor Schmidt really wants some company.

Burkley comes by to help Nick out. Burkley is played by Adam Brody. Seth Cohen is so grown up. Burkley’s advice to Nick is, “Exes are a lot like burps. The burps can be so yucky but you know what comes after a burp? A big old smile.” Jess finds the metaphor endearing while Nick is less impressed.

Jess and Burkley go on and on about how great their friendship is and Nick is still less than impressed.

At the bar Schmidt is trying again to pick up a lady for the evening and it may have worked. She seems slightly confused but willing. Schmidt gets home to set up for his date only to find Coach there with a girl. Schmidt wants him to leave so he can get his date on while Coach wants to seal the deal with his girl. Schmidt gives in and tell Coach to use the guest room. He goes into his own room only to find Coach and his lady in there.

And back at the apartment Burkley has Jess alone in the kitchen. He tells her he has been trying to leave his wife for years. He’s going to do it and then they can finally be together. Jess, the naïve girl she is, is completely shocked. She doesn’t know where this is coming from. Burkley says she has been texting, calling, ending her texts with “xoxoxo” for ten years. Now it’s time for them to do something about it.
“I love you Jessica. Man it feels good to say that out loud and not just to my sleeping wife.”

Nick is still getting texts from Caroline. She has him come to the window where he can see her throw a cement block into the windshield of a car and take a 2×4 into the side window. Turns out that isn’t even Nick’s car. Nick is very worried. He doesn’t know what Caroline will do next and he thinks Burkley should stay there until Caroline is gone. Nick isn’t catching onto Jess’s looks of panic.

So now Caroline and Schmidt’s bar girl are in the elevator heading up to the lofts. Jess admits she may have been wrong about a few things with Burkley but there is no time to explain as Caroline starts pounding on the door. Jess tells Burkley she doesn’t love him which causes him to lose it and Nick to finally figure out what is going on. Nick is so glad he is right, so glad in fact he asks Burkley to continue listing the times he feels Jess led him on. “May 2004 you brushed my hand at a Dave Mathews concert during Two Step.” Burkley is so upset he opens the door for Caroline who has been pounding on the door the whole time.

While across the hall the boys are trying to figure out what to do with all the logistics. Schmidt works it out is quite pleased. Winston stays in Schmidt’s room. Coach stays in the guest room and Schmidt will use the living room.

Caroline is now in the apartment and she wants the timeline of Jess and Nick’s relationship. I’m sorry but she doesn’t get to know. It’s been over a year and she did some pretty messed up things to Nick over the course of their relationships. Apparently Jess doesn’t agree with me so she tells Caroline how it went down. Caroline is so upset she tells Jess to shut up and warns Jess that it’s the honeymoon phase now but someday she will be the ex and two years later he won’t tell you why it ended. Jess leaves Caroline and Nick in the living room to talk it out while she goes to cry in the bathroom.

At Schmidt’s Sex Palace things fall apart. The girls all find out about the other goings on and only Winston’s girl Birdie is okay with it. The other two take off.

Nick gets Jess from the bathroom and brings her into the living room where he tells Caroline why he left. He tells Caroline he never cheated on her but he might as well have. He fell in love with Jess the moment she walked in the door. This elicits a “booo” from Burkley who is still there and a smile from Jess. Caroline thanks him for telling her the truth. Jess apologizes to Burkley for leading him on even if she didn’t realize it. They both leave.

Jess and Nick kiss with everything being all good in their world again.

New Girl airs Tuesday 9/8c on Fox