SUBURGATORY Recap: Adoption

Apparently in Chatswin they wait until after Thanksgiving to start celebrating Christmas. Do you hear that Target, Wal-Mart and Sears…after Thanksgiving. To be fair it is only one day after Thanksgiving and we are talking full on fake snow and caroling in November, but still. George even gets into the Christmas spirit by giving Tessa an early gift. It’s a hotel & spa package for Tessa and her Mother so they can celebrate Christmas in New York City together. Aww…George is a good guy, and not to worry, he will just spend Christmas with Dallas.

In town Ryan Shay is picking up the family Christmas photos. The overly chatty counter guy ends up being the one to spill the adoption secret. I did not see that coming, I also don’t know how he would know or even why Ryan would believe him. Ryan does however believe chatty cathy behind the counter and thus starts the most ridiculous glorious magical breakdown in recent sitcom history.
Ryan yells “I’M ADOPTED!” repeatedly, runs out of the store, jumps on his parents car and then takes his shirt off. His next move is to call them all liars in an angry voice. It freaks Sheila out so much she tells Fred to drive, just drive away and give him space.
I mentioned Ryan’s shirt is off right? Anyway he starts walking down the street wondering what is real. The lamp post he punches…it’s real. The parking meter he kicks…also real. He drops to his knees and yells he is the only thing that isn’t real. Poor pretty shirtless Ryan Shay.

Over in Dalia’s room she and one of the K’s are filling out their Christmas lists. All Dalia wants for Christmas is Carmen. The K thinks even though Santa is a cool guy with a lot of connections Dalia probably won’t get Carmen for Christmas.
Dalia’s solution: I’ll get Carmen back on my own. I’ll write a song about Carmen, then I’ll shoot a music video, then I’ll put it on YouTube and I’ll hire a publicist and I’ll make it go viral and then I’ll send Carmen a link then I’ll make all the comments say things like “Wow! That girl really loves Carmen.”

Carmen meanwhile is over at Noah’s feeding his son and look, his wife is home from her book tour. She thinks her son has a thick Mexican accent. The child is barely even a year old if that. Carmen doesn’t seem to care for Noah’s wife since she is only speaking to Noah as is Noah’s wife. Dalia might get her wish after all.

Tessa is over at the Shay’s finding out from Lisa that Ryan is adopted. Lisa is crying about how Ryan was never supposed to find out. We then get a flash back to the picture taking event. Lisa has had one too many rum balls and tells chatty cathy counter boy that Ryan isn’t really a Shay.
Lisa is worried Ryan won’t come back home for Christmas. Tessa offers to stay home with her but Lisa says no go on to New York.

Dalia Royce has put her magnificent plan into action. Her song is called “You Missed A Spot”. She is the artist and the director. It’s oddly not the worst song I’ve ever heard, it’s catchy.

Malik’s family is driving home when they come across Ryan, still shirtless, jogging down the side of the road. Malik makes his Dad stop the car so he can check on him. Ryan has already reverted to not talking, eating leaves and acting like a wild animal. In fact Malik lures him to the car with a few “Come here boys” and a Starburst. The car is full so he puts Ryan in the trunk; he gives him a blanket though so it’s okay.

Things are not getting any better over at Noah’s house. Carmen and his wife are still fighting and Noah is in the middle of it.

Back in the city Tessa’s Mom is trying to do some more bonding, they are sharing lipstick and stories about traveling. Tessa however isn’t having such a good time. She really just wants to go home to her house and her Dad

At Malik’s house Ryan, who now wants to go by Eugene Goldfarb (it’s the opposite of Ryan Shay), is still feeling pretty awful about the whole adoption thing. He is even wearing a shirt. I’m not sure if that matters to the story line but I felt I should point it out. Eugene Goldfarb tires himself out and falls asleep in Malik’s room.

In New York Tessa decides she really needs to get home for Christmas so she leaves her Mom a stocking with a gift while she is sleeping and heads back to Chatswin.

At the Royce’s George and Dallas are watching Dalia open gifts. Dalia is depressed because Carmen isn’t under her tree; George suggests she open the big box that is off to the side. In it is none other than Carmen who proclaims, “I’m back bitches!” Dallas and Dalia couldn’t be happier, there is a lot of jumping and smiles and that is just from Dallas. She is so happy.

Getting back from the city Tessa is stopped outside her house by Lisa. Its Christmas morning and Ryan isn’t home yet. Lisa wants Tessa to go over to Malik’s and talk to Ryan, he will listen to her because he is crazy about Tessa. Lisa just wants Ryan to come home.

Walking in the snow Tessa is telling Ryan she gets how he feels but your parents are the people that raised you. She tells him he isn’t Eugene Goldfarb, he’s Ryan, and he lives across the street from her and has a crush on her. She says she may have a crush on him too. She leans in and kisses him. The truly adorable part is after the kiss when Ryan pulls back and yells “She used tongue! She used tongue!” while Tessa giggles and smiles at him. Okay I spoke too soon; the best most adorable part was what he says next, “That was the only thing on my Christmas List.” Awwww….he’s so special and so cute all at the same time.
They head back towards home.

George gets home to find Tessa on the porch; she runs down the steps and gives him a huge hug.

Suburgatory airs Wednesday 9:30/8:30c on ABC