NEW GIRL Recap: Injured or Football, Cancer and a Sad Song for Nick

Nick Miller – Almost a Lawyer

New Girl takes a friendly game of flag football and turns it into a cancer scare.
It all starts with Schmitt in spandex capris no less giving the rest of the gang direction, “Go long. Break right. Jess you wait in the car.” Nick may have missed the pass but Jess doesn’t miss Nick and in an impressive take down for a girl her size he is laid out on the grass.
Nick of course refuses to seek treatment despite stating that he can taste his spine. He has no insurance and he doesn’t go to doctors. Jess, the voice of reason, insists that he go and after crashing his car into the back of Winston’s SUV he agrees to see Jess’s doctor friend.
Now by doctor Jess means her friend Sadie the OBGYN. Nick is uncomfortable just sitting in the waiting room surrounded by pregnant women. Jess’s line to calm him down is none other than, “She is a wizard with a specula.” He is not appeased but he also can’t get up out of the chair so Jess gives him a copy of Lucky magazine and tells him to tag the things he wants.
I have to point out here that Mark Johnson’s facial expressions are just about the funniest thing I’ve ever seen and he has made every annoyed/angry/frowny face he has in this one scene alone.

Not to be left out of the drama Winston and Schmitt are at a shop having Winston’s SUV looked at. This SUV looks like an early 90’s Ford Explorer. There is no way it has ever been washed and not only is the front of the car being held together by what looks like an old strap or maybe seatbelt the back window is completely made of duct tape.
The mechanic says it is unfixable and “This isn’t even officially a car anymore”. Winston is pretty upset. Schmitt points out that Winston didn’t even buy this SUV. It was an illegal recruitment gift from a college he didn’t even go to. After Schmitt makes a noise to represent what the car sounds like when it is starting, a noise that probably could double as a the mating call of the Yak the mechanic hands Winston back the “key” which is really just a paperclip and they take off.

Nick and Jess are explaining to Sadie the lesbian OBGYN how he got hurt. She is surprised he got hurt because he is such a big boy although Jess did tackle a girl Sadie was dating once…she tried to steal Jess’s overalls. Sadie unofficially helps Nick, he has a bruised spine, unofficially. She gives him pills to manage the pain, unofficially. “Those pains pills are designed for severe menstrual cramps so they should cure your baby back ache.” Unfortunately before they can leave Sadie thinks she sees a growth on Nick’s neck and she sets up an ultra sound for the next day.
Nick starts moving through the stages of grief.
Denial: he isn’t going to have the ultrasound. He doesn’t have time. Instead he lists off a number of things he really has to take care of: Writing, working out, finding a stamp he lost, getting closer to whales so he can record them. Jess says she knows he is scared and tries to cheer him up with an awful Daffy Duck impression.
Anger: His friends are sitting at the bar watching him with creepy smiles and Schmitt lays a Fredo kiss on him.
The friend’s internets diagnose him with everything from a condition that is most common in Golden Retrievers to Thyroid Cancer.
Acceptance: Thanks to those pills from Sadie they, “made his uterus feel warm.”
His friends aren’t ready to accept it yet though and tears ensue…from all of them. Uncontrollable tears.
Jess tries to cheer Nick up with a joke about Daniel Boone. Nick pretty hopped up on the menstrual pills and I can only assume some hard liquor tells Jess she doesn’t know how to be real and she cannot speak at his funeral. Winston agrees; Insert a flashback of Winston doing Chris Rock stand up at a funeral and it not going well at all. Nick doesn’t want feeling sticks at his funeral he wants, “the girls to think I wish I had brought Nick Miller to orgasm and I want the guys to think I wish I had bought him more stuff.”
*I am making a note to call an OBGYN and request whatever drugs it is Nick is taking*

As the gang drinks more and more they find themselves around the piano singing Winston’s sad song. Winston is singing in his best Aaron Neville voice, Schmitt is rapping, at Nick’s request mind you, Nick is clapping along. Even Cece who has pretty much stayed out of this pity for Nick party can’t help herself and raps along.
I need to take a moment here to say that I love Max Greenfield. I have been watching him since he did a turn as a cop on Veronica Mars. I find him infinitely amusing. His rapping is no exception. He says playa a lot and Chi town.
Jess ends this moment by saying, “Nick Miller Nick Miller he never does anything” Apparently Jess just got real. When pressed about what he has accomplished Nick says he wrote half a book about zombies. He admits he has a fear of the unknown. If everyone jumped into the ocean he would be the guy on the beach holding their wallets.
Quick trip to the beach and Jess is offering to hold Nick’s wallet while he jumps into the ocean. Nick doesn’t even have a wallet, it’s a sandwich bag with his ID and money in it. Nick starts to make excuses and then just goes for it running towards the water and throwing his clothes off as he goes.
The water, which must have been freezing, has a sobering effect on him. He realizes his immediate mistake and yells, “My testicles are in my abdomen.”
As he yells at Jess that all he wanted to do was play football and now he might have cancer Schmitt can’t keep his inner jackass to himself and asks if anyone else thinks Nick could stand to lose 5-7 pounds. His next thought is spoken to Cece, “When you stand up, there is going to be, like, a perfect imprint of your butt in the sand.” If we are keeping track that has got be worth at least $30 in the douche jar they have at home. It did make Cece say that she lost her Dad at 12, and it was going to be a pretty touching moment until Schmitt says he had a cat that died, A very big cat.
Nick and Jess have a nice moment a few yards down the beach from Schmitt and Cece. Nick says he likes Jess a lot and is glad she is around. He also says he isn’t going to remember anything in the morning.
They wake up on the beach the next morning and before getting into Winston’s broken down SUV to head towards the ultrasound Schmitt takes a look at the perfect imprint Cece’s butt left in the sand.
Nick tells the nurse that he can pay for his ultrasound, “with cash, a mixture of paper money and change and a postdated check that has a 60/40 chance of clearing.”
The gang waits restlessly in the waiting room. When Nick appears and states he doesn’t have cancer they are all understandably happy. In fact Nick gets another Fredo kiss from Schmitt.
As Nick goes to pay he finds out the gang split it on the condition he gets an actual wallet. Schmitt informs him he has quite a few wallet chains he could use.
Jess being a true friend tells Nick that nothing happened when he wonders what went on last night. While Nick is going to be okay Winston’s car is not. It has made its last trip. License plate in hand Winston and the gang walk home.
I will leave you with the groups rap for Nick:
Nick Miller, Nick Miller From the streets of Chicago
‘Cause players play Like they do, like they did
‘Cause the baller’s ball In the hood
‘Cause he’s Chi-town, hustle
As the people of Chicago Represent him
‘Cause the players don’t play And the player’s in the city
Nick: Nick Miller, Nick Miller He’s a stone-cold killer Likes the taste of vanilla
CeCe: Nick Miller, Nick Miller He’s the illest of the ill He pours 100 drinks And none have ever spilled
Winston: Plus he’s super-high On a bunch of pain pills
Schmidt: His favorite movie is The Big Chill
CeCe: He’s got a hairy chest cause he eats a balanced meal
Schmidt: Kick the mad flavor in his ear! ‘Cause the ice in my glass represents the tears from my eyes. I love you, dawg! Nick Miller, Nick Miller Yo, streets of Chicago Rough and tumble love You my heart!

New Girl airs Tuesdays at 9/8c on Fox