I have a confession…I’m a ‘shipper. I love TV couples. Couples that should be together, couples that are together, etc…and at the beginning of New Girl, if you had asked me what I thought of Schmitt and Cece being together, I would have made a face and shook my head. Over the last few episodes though, I am totally in their court. I love them together, almost as much as I would love to see Jess and Nick together.
So Jess and Cece are talking birth control. Schmitt is so athletic, “birth control becomes like one of those plastic bbq covers in a hurricane.” Jess is trying to be supportive but she is really disturbed.
*I bet I get to type that a lot this recap*
Cece is late and can’t take a pregnancy test until after this weekend. Unfortunately Cece starts thinking about what a baby Schmitt would be like. Jess assumes there would need to be a douche baby jar. Cece starts to freak out. This is of course when Schmitt comes in to see what all the noise is about. Jess covers by asking what he was like as a baby.
Winston is out of the couch dressed in a suit getting ready to pick up his boss for a TV appearance on Michael Strahan’s TV show. His boss has too many DUI’s to drive himself.
Jess announces to the group that Sarah (Russell’s daughter) will be at The Loft in a moment so best behavior.
*I don’t understand how she thinks this talk she keeps giving them about good behavior is ever really going to stick. I’m pretty sure she had this same basic talk last week when Russell came over.*
Jess: No F-bombs, P-bombs… actually no B- through F-bombs — no bombs. And no bringing home college girls.
Nick: Hey, that’s not fair! The girl I’ve been hanging out with is totally mature and interesting.
Jess: Please put on some pants. Everything you say sounds really creepy when you’re not wearing pants.
Nick: Your hair looks nice.
Jeanne Tripplehorn is dropping Sarah off. She is Russell’s ex although she keeps referring to him as her husband a point that makes Jess a little uncomfortable.
Schmitt is pestering Winston who is trying to get out of The Loft to pick up his boss. Schmitt is worried that Cece is tired of him.
Schmitt: What if she doesn’t let me hit the fifth chakra.”
Winston of course does not want to hear any of this.
Jess and Sarah are sitting on the couch when Nick comes out of his room, thankfully wearing pants. He wants to let Jess know he is bringing a girl over for dinner, Chloe, the mature and interesting one. Sarah takes one look at Nick and starts to giggle at everything he says. She tells him he has really brown eyes. In fact they look like poop. Nick is slightly taken aback and wants Schmitt to be honest, do his eyes look like poop. Schmitt says there is a poopish hue.
Jess finds Sarah in her room looking at her bras. Sarah wants to know why she needs too many bras, she’s a teacher. Jess says teachers wear bras too. Jess wants Sarah to feel comfortable with her so she tells Sarah she can ask her anything.
Jess: You can ask me anything.
Sarah: Are you in love with my dad?
Sarah: Do you and my dad ever dry lump?
Sarah: Is sexting cool?
Jess: No, it’s not cool.
Sarah: Have you done a 99?
Jess: I think that’s a tax form…
Sarah: Have you ever given anyone plow chops?
Jess: I don’t know.
Sarah: How do you make love to a person animal-style?
Jess: Do you want to learn how to play bridge?
Schmitt is in his room talking to Cece. He thinks it is time he took her on a real date and by real date he means, Italy on Ice. It’s a celebration of all things Italian. Cece says it is a bad time for her, she can’t go, and he should take someone else. Schmitt clarifies that she does mean another girl. Cece says yes, that’s exactly what she meant.
While that is going on in the bedroom out on the couch Sarah is telling Jess how she loves Nick.
*Can’t fault the girl’s taste*
Sarah thinks he is so hot she wants to rub her face on his face. Again, Jess is disturbed.
Schmitt and Cece come barreling out of his room. He’s going to do it…he’s going to call another girl for a date.
When ensues is a conversation between Schmitt and Nick or Nicole if you are listening to Schmitt’s side of the conversation.
It starts with Schmitt asking, “What’s up ma?” It’s the freaking weekend.” And ends somewhere in the vicinity of, Schmitt asking “Nicole” – “Are you talking care of that tushy for me?” to which Nick answered, “I’m not doing like squats or anything. I’m trying to eat less donuts.”
Cece gets mad at Schmitt and calls him an idiot before storming out. Schmitt thought this is what Cece wanted.
Jess takes this opportunity to show Sarah a good example of people that should not be making love.
Sarah says Jess doesn’t understand, gets up and locks herself in Nick’s room. Jess is trying to get Sarah to come out but all Sarah wants to do is roll around in Nick’s dirty clothes. Cece can’t handle Sarah’s tantrum and has a tantrum of her own. Cece tries to calm down and yells thru the door that Sarah should not be having sex at that age and to always use protection.
Cece: Even if he says it is tantric and you are Indian and you know better…You are just going to end up pregnant.
Schmitt hears this and instead of losing it he puts his face to Cece’s stomach and says, “We made a caramel miracle.
Nick and Schmitt are talking about Cece maybe being pregnant. Nick is freaking out because Schmitt isn’t freaking out. Schmitt is being oddly calm about the whole thing.
Jess and Sarah are in the kitchen making dinner. Sarah says she liked the earlier drama. Their life is like Gossip Girl except everyone is old and poor. Jess says there was a show like that called Golden Girls. Jess is Betty White, and Schmidt is Rue McClanahan, in case you were wondering.
Sarah wants to know if Jess thinks Nick is hot. Jess admits Nick is hot… “in a rumpled, small-town P.I. kind of way.”
Then Sarah wonders if Jess thought Sarah might ever “do it with Nick animal-style.”
*Jess is uncomfortable yet again*
Schmitt wants to know why Cece is crying. She insists she isn’t even though she clearly is. Schmitt says the most perfect, nicest thing ever.
Schmitt: You are an amazing woman, and you are going to do and be so many things in this life. Maybe you will be a Mom and maybe – maybe not, but I will support you no matter what.
Then because his is Schmitt he adds that he is going to do some research on the internet before they do it again because he doesn’t want to impregnate the baby.
*Schmitt may be in need of a douche jar but it is moments when he says the right thing that make that okay in the end.*
They finally all sit down for dinner – Schmitt and Cece, Jess and Sarah and Nick and Chloe. It’s pretty uncomfortable. Schmitt is talking to Cece’s stomach. In his best Old Testament/Jewish enunciation he says if it is a boy he will name him. Mordecai or Abraham Menachem Menandal Schmerson.
While this is happening Sarah is looking daggers at Chloe. She wants to know if she and Nick are making love. Sarah says she hates Chloe. Jess says you don’t even know her. Oh but that’s not true. Sarah says Chloe used to ride her school bus. She even calls Chloe a skank. Jess lets it slip that Sarah likes Nick…which is amusing because it was obvious, apparently not to Nick though. Sarah runs off and locks herself in Jess’s room.
Nick turns to Chloe and asks when the last time she rode a school bus, she says last year. Cece smiling for the first time all episode asks how old Chloe is. Chloe says 18, Nick groans. Jess adds to the ridiculousness of the situation by saying she thinks she subbed for Chloe’s 8th grade English class. Chloe does recognize her.
*This makes me laugh because my daughter who is 18 said, so what was Netscape?*
Jess pulls it together and says Sarah’s Mom is downstairs and wants to be let up. Sarah is locked in Jess’s room because she is in love with Nick for some unknown reason.
Jess: (to Nick) I should call you Bridge to Terabithia because you make children cry.
Jess: (to Schmitt) I should call you Indian in the Cupboard because you put an Indian in Cece…never mind.
Jess yells at them to fix this because she isn’t losing Russell because they need to make or date babies.
Schmitt is going to go stall Ouli, yeah that’s Russell’s ex-wife’s name. Nick is going to help Jess get Sarah out of her room.
Schmitt stops Ouli outside the building. He pretends like he knows her.
Schmitt: ”Havasu — ’99? I was on a boat… remember?”
“Winter Olympics… 2006 — bobsled!”
“Oh my god, the Mellman funeral? We were both sitting next to Uncle Jack.”
“I used to do your hair in Tribeca!”
Meanwhile Nick and Jess are sitting on the floor outside Jess’s room trying to talk Sarah into coming out. Sarah says she can’t come out she is embarrassed. Jess and Nick says they are the most embarrassing people on the planet so she doesn’t have to worry about being embarrassed around them.
Jess: Sometimes I talk louder to blind people.
Nick: I’m 30 and I’ve peed in every pool I’ve been in.
Sarah opens the door to reveal that she put on all of Jess’s bras and now she is stuck. Nick takes the back and Jess takes the front. Just then Ouli comes in. She barely gets to ask who the guy is that is taking bras off her daughter when Cece comes running out so very happy because she got her period. She even hugs Ouli.
*Jess is very uncomfortable again*
Jess: Buy Ouli, you ruley
Ouli: Buy Jess, you’re a mess
Schmitt walks Cece down to her car. She is telling him things can now go back to normal. She doesn’t seem to mean it though. Suddenly he is in a hurry to get her to her car and out of there. After she pulls away he looks up into the sky and it says Marry Me in sky writing.
I know I haven’t mentioned Winston this whole time and that is because his story was pretty self-contained. When he stops outside the address his boss gives him, Joe actually jumps out from behind a dumpster in a Hawaiian shirt and shorts. It’s not Joe’s house and they should go RIGHT NOW. Five guys come running out of the house, yelling and chasing the car.
Winston wants to know what is going on. His boss says he is wearing Cambodian woman’s shoes, what does he think is going on. Winston says he was just giving Joe the chance to lie to him. He was trying to be polite.
The trip to the TV Studio doesn’t go smoothly. In fact Joe jumps out of the car while it is still moving so he can stop at a garage sale. When they do get to the studio Joe jumps out of the car again and runs away. When Winston catches up with him he has to give Joe a pep talk that ends with Joe saying if Winston were a woman or even dressed as a woman they would be unstoppable. Now it’s Winston’s turn to look disturbed.
The episode ends with Schmitt sitting next to Nick at Italy on Ice and Nick being pretty impressed.
Nick: That reenactment of Pompeii really sticks with you.
New Girl airs Tuesday 9/8c on Fox.