NEW GIRL Recap: Models, Turtles & Monkeys

Let’s take this recap in two parts shall we?

Nick and The Boys
We all know Nick is bad at showing emotion but it all boils over when Schmidt brings Nick a cookie. That’s right 10 years of being friends and a cookie threatens all of it. What has Nick more preoccupied than returning Schmidt’s friendship gesture is the idea of getting a turtle for the loft. He thinks it would be a nice addition.
Nick oblivious to having hurt Schmidt’s feelings is taken aback when Schmidt grunts at him instead of engaging in the turtle conversation. This being New Girl Nick overreacts and starts a fight with Schmidt.
Nick: If I could give you that cookie back, I would. Nothing would make me happier than to throw it up, mash it into cookie shape, and shove it down your throat.
Schmidt: You want to mama-bird me the cookie?
Nick: That’s not what I…
Schmidt: You want to mama-bird me the cookie. You’re not mama-birdin’ anybody anything!

Nick, still on the turtle kick is talking to Winston about it but all Winston wants to talk about is how much Schmidt likes Nick. Nick can’t believe Winston is taking Schmidt’s side.
We get a flashback to Winston and Schmidt about age 12. Winston is talking about something personal and all Nick can talk about is the rock he found. Back in the present Winston is just getting warmed up, he tells Nick goodnight every night and Nick never says goodnight back. Nick can’t buy people cookies or tell people goodnight. And do you know why, because he isn’t a titan of finance. That’s right, titan of finance.
Winston keeps going, Schmidt even goes into Nick’s room and cleans it once a week before putting everything back where it was. Nick is a little weirded out by that but Winston says he doesn’t get it, that cookie was not just a cookie, it was a piece of Schmidt’s heart.
Winston: Did you know once a week Schmidt goes into your room, and cleans it, then returns everything to the way he found it?
Nick: And I’m weird in this situation?

At the loft the next morning Winston lets Nick know Schmidt isn’t talking to him. He is tired of doing things for Nick. Schmidt is actually crying, poor Schmidt. Nick can’t believe it. Jess walks in on this scene and wonders what is going on. She assumes they watched porn together again which always ends awkwardly.
Winston and Schmidt leave Nick to explain the ongoing tiff to Jess. Nick and Schmidt have been friends for 10 years. Nick knows this because Schmidt asked him how he would like to celebrate their tin anniversary.
Jess is curious how they met. Schmidt lived on Nick’s floor Freshman Year. He was always just there.
Jess: How did you become friends? Was it an accident? Did you hit him with your car and you became his reluctant caretaker?
We get a Fat Schmidt flashback.
Nick tells Jess that Schmidt loves Nick so much and he doesn’t think he deserves Schmidt’s love since all he does is tease him.

Nick makes up with Schmidt in the end by bringing home a cookie for him. A cookie he broke apart to look like a star in celebration of Schmidt’s Jewish heritage. Schmidt is skeptical. Nick admits he walked around the store for 45 minutes trying to figure out what to get Schmidt. Nick starts to cry. The cookie is the best he can do. Schmidt asks about the turtle and Nick says Schmidt is the turtle. Which seems to make Schmidt very happy. They group hug.

Jess and The Models
It’s Cece’s birthday. Cece and Jess have a ritual, eat cake, watch Clueless on VHS and make prom dresses out of bath towels. Incidentally after I’m done typing this I’m calling up my best friend and asking her why we don’t celebrate our birthdays like this.

Cece thought this year they could go out, Jess, Cece and the models. Jess agrees to go although she doesn’t look happy about it. I’m glad Nadia is back, her over the top Russian Model is hilarious.

Before leaving for the club Jess shows the boys her promising ballerina turned street walker look. The guys think she looks hot but she has to look more bored if she is going to fit in with the other girls. Jess isn’t excited though, she does love Cece but her model friend’s thinks Jess looks like a monkey from a Russian cracker TV ad. We get to see the ad and honestly if there was a cartoon monkey of Jess this would probably be it.

At the club Jess is singing the monkey cracker song and doing the dance from the commercial while Cece is off flirting with a guy. Jess finally calls the models dumb and Cece by proxy. Of course that is when Cece is standing behind her.
Cece and Jess are having an argument about Jess’s comment. Jess says she feels sorry for Cece sometimes. In New Girl fashion this starts a boob slapping fight…oh you read that right, a boob slapping fight. Cece tells Jess to leave.

Back at the loft the next morning Jess is talking to Nick. She tells Nick about her night and reminisces to when Cece got discovered. We get a young Jess flashback. This is a glorious episode.
Jess says that now she is almost disappointed that Cece became a model since she is so smart and could have done anything else.
Nick wonders why they are friends with these people they have nothing in common with.

Jess shows up at Cece’s apartment to find Cece puking from all of the drinking she did last night. Jess gets her to the car show/modeling gig but she can’t stand on a spinning platform. Jess offers to do the job instead. She says she is big in Japan where she goes by “Giggle Bangs Rice Bowl”. How she says it with a straight face is beyond me. She gets the job.

On a side note this is a ridiculously shameful promotion by Ford.
Jess is not model material though and she can barely get on the platform thanks to her 5” sparkly platform shoes. Cece watches in awed horror. Jess’s shoe then gets caught in the spinning platform and comes off. Wearing the one shoe she tries to showcase the car but gets caught in it instead and eventually falls right out of the car.

After the car show is over Jess is apologizing again to Cece. They make up while commiserating about the boob slap fight.

The episode ends with the whole gang eating Jess’s cake and watching Clueless.

As the credits roll we get to see Fat Schmidt and Nick again via flashback and we are left with this gem.
College Nick: You like rap music? Who’s your favorite rapper.
Fat Schmidt: Brian Austin Green

New Girl airs Tuesday 9/8c on Fox