New Girl Recap: True Americans

I love love love when sitcoms make up games.  Whether it is Marshgammon on How I Met Your Mother or Bamboozled on Friends.  I however have never seen a more fascinating drinking game then tonight’s True American.  I watched the episode twice and I still am not entirely sure how to play the game, I do however want to gather a few friends and play it immediately.

That’s not where this episode starts though so let me begin again…

Russell and Jess are at a fundraiser.  They seem really happy although she is lamenting about not being home for a week and she has resorted to wearing his boxers under her dress…its sexier than it sounds.  He says they should go back to his place but she really thinks going back to the loft would be a better idea.  She is worried about the guys.  They must really miss her.

At the loft Winston is getting ready for an interview with a sports radio host, to be his research assistant.

Enter Jess, she announces that she has been gone a whole week, staying with rich people.  She even tried port.

They didn’t miss her though because they were too busy playing True American.  She can’t believe they played the game without her.

Jess and Cece are talking about Jess’s relationship with Russell.  Cece warns that not everything can be perfect and she also wants to know why Russell hasn’t spent the night at the loft.

Apparently Jess talked Russell into the weekend getaway at The Loft because she is seen pleading with the guys to be cool, or maybe just be normal.  She knows they can do this, even though in the past it doesn’t seem like that has been the case.

Flash to Schmitt trying to check out the label on the inside of Russell’s suit jacket while Russell is still wearing it.  Nick looking at Russell awkwardly while they are peeing next to each other at the urinals in the bathroom and Winston checking to see if Russell is racist.

Winston is over at Alvin’s explaining to him that he is going to interview for this new job.  Alvin, much smarter than any child that age should be isn’t fazed by this and wants to help Winston work on his resume, “its 2012…typing isn’t a special skill.”

The interview was an odd mix of disaster and success.  Success because Winston got the job but disaster because the interview questions were, “Are you an undercover cop?” and “How far can you drag an unconscious man?”

Joe Napoli, the radio talent comes out and insults Winston but then hires him.  Winston doesn’t think he wants the job but then Kareem Abdul Jabbar shows up, shakes Winston’s hand as congratulations.  Winston is so in awe he takes the job.  Kareem slips Winston a note while shaking his hand.  When they leave Winston reads the note, “Get out now! Run! You will die here!  Best Abdul Jabbar #33”

Back at the loft Russell and Jess are met at the door by Nick who is holding a cutting board with cheese on it and offering to show Russell around.  He actually quotes Aladdin and tries to give Russell a forkful of cheese.

The evening spirals from there.

Nick is sitting so close to Russell while he is eating he is practically in his lap.  At one point he even takes the noodles out of Russell’s bowl and eats them, so you know, they can be bowl brothers.  Of course he also brings up his idea notebook.

Schmitt isn’t doing much better.  He is mad at Russell for taking Jess out to sushi at Namuda (where Russell knows the chef) instead of Asakune (where Schmitt recommended).  He resorts to childish mocking.

This is topped off by Winston charging in saying he is going to kill him.  He wants to punch him in his rich old white guy face.  Looks at Russell and says not you.

We get to see Winston sitting at his desk at the radio station being yelled at by Joe Napoli about how his six shakes aren’t the right color.  He even dumps one onto Winston’s desk before storming off.

Russell is really taking this all in stride, he gets up to throw the remainder of his food in the disposal and it makes the crazy grinding chugging noise.  Apparently the roommates haven’t had the landlord back since their last rendezvous with him.

Nick jumps up, puts the stick they keep next to the fridge into the disposal and starts flailing about.  He is yelling, “Anchor me!  Anchor me!  It’s choking me!”

Schmitt and Winston get behind him to hold him down while Russell and Jess just watch from the side lines.  But they need Jess and she grabs a frying pan and hits the stick a few times until the disposal stops.

Jess breaks the awkwardness by asking who wants to play True American.

The teams end up being Russell and Winston, Nick and Jess and Schmitt by himself.

Here are the rules:

Jess: It starts off there are four zones, an alternate zone is a crazy zone.

Winston: There is a trail of chairs, but the floor is lava.

Jess: (pointing to the drinks) these are the pawns but they are soldiers of the secret order. (pointing to the whisky) This is the King of the Castle.

Winston: Remember everything you hear in True American is a lie, knock on wood.

Jess: And it starts with a shot gun tip off.

That is the only part of the game Russell understands and he starts it off.

As I said at the beginning the game is awesome.  There is counting, jumping from chairs, yelling out Presidents names and an excessive amount of drinking.

They all think Russell is pretty good at this game, which is not shocking. Russell seems to be good at everything.

I think my crush on Dermot Mulroney is showing…better tuck that back in.

Cece comes over and tells Schmitt she will be in his bed.  This prompts Schmitt to quit making Russell and Winston the winners.

Russell is pretty drunk and Jess is trying to get him to go to bed.  Instead Russell is giving Winston advice on how to handle his boss.  His advice is to dunk his boys in his boss’s shakes.  Nick starts repeating everything Russell says and when Jess tells him to stop it he says, “I’m not copying him, I love him.”

Russell even wants to hear about Nick’s idea notebook.

Jess isn’t happy about this so she goes in to complain to Cece.  She is mad at Russell and she has never been mad at him before, besides they don’t fight.  She thinks Russell likes it peaceful since he fought a lot with his ex-wife.

Cece says fighting is good and even healthy.

The next morning Nick and Schmitt are having a serious meeting about the best idea in Nick’s idea notebook.  It is called Real Apps.  Turns out Real Apps is like a Swiss Army Knife case for your phone.  There is a spoon, a fork, a corn holder, “It’s also a gentleman’s shiv.”

They can’t stop arguing about whose idea it was since Nick came up with the idea but Schmitt came up with the name, something Schmitt feels is very important.

Back at the radio station Winston hates his job more and more.  Joe Napoli is now mocking Winston on the air during the show.

Jess is in the kitchen making hangover eggs for Russell.  He just wants to go back to bed.  She however has a nice day planned of apple picking.  He doesn’t see that happening.  She gets mad and tosses the pan with the eggs into the sink.  He wants to know if they are fighting and she yells, “THIS ISN’T A FIGHT!”

Enter Nick and Schmitt in suits.  They choose this moment to give their Real Apps sales pitch.  Russell looks like he is going to throw up at any moment.

Nick: Let’s say I’m out and about and I want to cut a bagel, cobble a shoe.

Schmitt: Habberdash on the fly

Well now they have an app for that.  Russell thinks the name of the app sounds like Relapse.  Nick and Schmitt fight about that for a moment and then Nick holds the prototype out for Russell to touch.  In the struggle to both show Russell the app at once they actually stab him with it.

He is bleeding and they have no Band-Aids so Jess gets a napkin and tape and tapes the napkin to his hand.  Russell snaps at Jess and says he needs to go home.

She pretends its fine and he leaves.

After a conversation with Alvin which ends in Alvin making sure Winston keeps his grown up job by telling his Mom Winston smokes weed, Winston heads back to the radio station to get rid of the “tainted” shakes.  He can’t find the last shake though.  Joe Napoli has it, he is drinking it.  Winston breaks down and tells him what he did to it.  “I put my beans in your shakes.  I shook them around a little.”

Instead of getting mad Joe thinks that is the funniest thing ever and they must pull this prank on Kareem Abdul Jabbar.

Jess is at Russell’s place waiting for him.  When Russell gets home she tells him she has something to say.  She is there to fight with him.  She wanted a nice weekend with him and he just gave up and went home.  He reminds her he was bleeding from his hand.  He had to get a stitch at the ER.

They survive their first fight and he offers to go back to the loft to hang out.  She says they are at his place they might as well stay.

I’ll leave you with this episodes best quotes:

Jess: I love these parties. I feel like I’m an ambassador or a spy or, like, a really high-class prostitute.
Russell: Well, Jess, it’s a political fundraiser. Who’s to say you can’t be all three?

Winston: I’m just trying to figure out how to break my new job to Alvin.
Schmidt: You gotta cut ties with that kid. He freaks me out. He never blinks. He’s like a tiny little owl… in a shirt.

Jess to Cece about her relationship with Russell:
“It’s like we’re living in a romantic comedy montage. Like, we throw our heads back and we laugh and I try on floppy hats for him. It’s pretty perfect. It’s like the first act of a TV movie — until I find out that he has a wife and kids in another state.”

Jess I’m mad at him! I’ve never been mad at him before.
Schmidt: Ugh, Jess. This room is not a place for comfort. This is Darwin’s jungle — where open-minded people do weird things to each other.

Cece: Fighting’s good. It’s healthy.
Schmidt: You know, Jess, what Cece and I like to do is fight with our bodies. It’s like a really intense game of Capture the Flag. I won’t make you guess what the flag is.

Schmidt: The name is the game, friend-o. Would you line up around the corner if they called the iPhone a Slippery Germ Brick?
Nick: Yeah, actually I might.
Schmidt: That’s why they call it Basketball and not Peach Basket Catch-It-Up.
Nick: You just came up with that?

Jess to Russell:
“These are hangover eggs. They’ll either stop you from throwing up the rest of the day or you’ll just throw it all up really fast. High risk, high reward.”

Russell: Jess, I haven’t played a drinking game in 10 years. The only reason I did is because you asked me to. If I want to have a drink, I don’t really have to play a game while I’m doing it.
Jess: Well that’s my world. Garbage disposals don’t work. Elevators don’t pass inspections…
Russell: Wait, I didn’t know about the elevator.
Jess: Yeah, well… the cables were really thin, we signed a waiver, they took $100 off our rent.
Russell: That’s really not safe!
Jess: Well that’s where I live, and those are my friends… and that wasn’t even the first stabbing this month! And, Russell, my life is just as important as your life. If you want to get with me, you’re going to have to get with my friends — and that is a Spice Girls song.

New Girl airs Tuesday at 9/8c on Fox