NEW GIRL Recap: The Crawl

It’s Valentine’s Day on New Girl and Jeyan (that’s Jess & Ryan’s new moniker) are doing so well she is speaking in a British accent. While Schmidt is happy to be dating his councilwoman, Nick has been eating and sleeping in his room for the last week. He doesn’t look so great after his breakup from Kai. However he seems pretty excited, a new bar has opened in the perfect spot. Now his decade of planning can come to fruition – he has the perfect bar crawl mapped out. Only problem is he wants to do it tonight, the gang balks, it’s Valentine’s Day! Too bad – attendance is mandatory.

The gang (including Ryan) all come through for Nick who is barely holding it together. Winston, who can’t drink because he is on call for work has a backpack of useful things for their drinking binge. Water bottles, towels, a small stick, a female condom and tissues. Oh he comes prepared alright and I’m suddenly wondering if I’m not doing things right when I go out drinking.

Oh did I say the whole gang was there, well they aren’t. Schmidt is with his girlfriend at a Valentine’s Day party/fundraiser. He wants to leave, but she’s got hands to shake or something.

Back at the bar Coach sees a woman alone. “If you’re a girl and you’re alone in a bar on Valentine’s Day you’re basically saying, Hello good February, I’m interested in casual sex.” Coach is so wise. (He crashes and burns.) Things aren’t going much better with Ryan and Jess when Ryan suggests Jess move in with him and Jess pretends she doesn’t hear him. They are saved an awkward conclusion to the conversation by Nick interrupting. On to the next bar!

At the second bar they pick up a number of bar crawl patrons. Is patron the right word? Anyway, a guy hears they are doing a bar crawl, he’s just been dumped, he wants to join. “The crawl is for all!”

Coach runs into the same woman – again. She still doesn’t find him charming. And in the bathroom Jess is telling Cece she does want to move in with Ryan while Nick is telling Ryan Jess may not have heard him, she has a lot of hair. Good save Nick. Good save.

Schmidt has made his way to the bar, ditching his girlfriend – who doesn’t appreciate him. He finds Cece pretty drunk. She has had 9+3-1 drinks. Schmidt is appalled when she says she is going to out drink Nick. No one out drinks Nick.

Next bar is Karaoke. “Where my altos at?” It’s as bad as you can imagine. Guess what else? Coach’s uninterested chick is also at bar three. Turns out they have a few things in common.

Cece and Schmidt are spending their time at the third bar in the bathroom; he is sitting with her while she throws up. He admits he loves Valentine’s Day ever since she hooked up with him three years ago to the day. Hopefully she won’t remember this when she sobers up.

Next bar! In case you were wondering Winston also has the Wright Brother’s biography in his backpack, just in case. And Cece is staring at Schmidt with stars in her eyes only his councilwoman shows up. Councilwoman wants Schmidt to be her boyfriend, for real.

While the gang is attempting to make it to the final bar before last call Jess and Ryan are up in the loft. Ryan gets an email offering him a Headmaster job in England right after Jess agrees to move in with him. Jess wants him to take the job; she loves him too much to ask him to give up his dream job.

On the way to the final bar Coach runs into his girl again, he asks for her number but instead she gives him her email address. If he can write a good email, one with full sentences, no typos and no pictures she will go out with him.

Outside the last bar Nick starts to crack a little. He is sad, the crawl is over. The gang talks him down from his ledge and he goes to complete the crawl only to find he has no shoes on. He threw them at a squirrel – something he does often apparently.

Thankfully Winston has beer in his backpack; they can finish the crawl outside the bar.

New Girl airs 9/8c on Fox