NEW GIRL Recap: Background Check

No more World Series which means New Girl is back. The episode centers around Winston needing to pass his background check/home visit in order to continue in the police academy. He needs all the help he can get since it wasn’t that long ago he handcuffed his cat’s paw to the radiator and then lost the key. In his defense he was making a Christmas card. So that totally explains it. The boys don’t want to help, because they are terrible people but Jess says they are going to stay. I’m pretty sure Schmidt agrees to stay because Cece is going to come over and he wants to hear all about her date with some guy named Paul. Schmidt has a great plan for getting rid of Paul that included Paul on a water slide getting smooshed to death between two obese people. It’s disturbing and not well thought out. Winston says that is exactly what they don’t need today.

When Jess hears the part about the home visit she starts to get shady. She doesn’t want the LAPD at the loft. Winston tells her to get it together, it’s not just any cop it’s Sargent Tess Dorado, aka The Fish. A nickname Winston thinks she earned because she is tough but fair, just like all of the fish he has interacted with over the years. Schmidt has to tell him Dorado is a type of fish. This is really not looking good for Winston.

Turns out Jess really does have something to be worried about, she has a bag of meth in her closet. A far cry from what they guys figured she had, possibly a kiss in an envelope. Nope, meth. She bought a cute footstool at a garage sale a few months back and when she got it home she realized the top came off, in the stool was a bag of meth. It isn’t a small bag either. Not a few ounces, pounds. Pounds of meth!

They need to keep this from Winston. Unfortunately, and I’m sure you remember this, lying makes Nick sweat. He has known this secret for less than a minute and he is already freaking out. Jess calls Cece and leaves a message asking how to get rid of a bag of meth. In the mean time they have to hide it. Nick closes his eyes, covers his ears and sings “Landslide” by Fleetwood Mac or Dixie Chicks depending on how well your parents raised you. Jess throws the bag at Schmidt who doesn’t catch it. Now there is meth all over the living room floor. By the time Winston gets upstairs with Tess Dorado the meth is picked up, it’s in Jess’s bra but it isn’t on the floor. I’ve been known to keep some things in my bra like it’s an extra pocket but this is just ridiculous.

Right when they are about to start being asked questions by Tess Dorado Cece bursts in. Before she can say the word meth Schmidt jumps up and kisses her, cutting her off. He whispers to play along or Jess goes to jail and introduces her as his girlfriend.

Jess’s meth bra is starting to slip so she excuses herself. Winston goes with her and just says, “Breasts.” She says it’s her cycle which prompts Winston to say his calendar for her is really off. That is so not okay. He says he will get Cece for her.

Back in the living room somehow they have started spinning a story about how Winston volunteers at the Boys and Girls Club. His little brother’s name is DuQuan Feldman. Tess Dorado makes a note to call the Boys and Girls Club but Coach insists she doesn’t have to do that. DuQuan is at the bus stop right now waiting to be picked up, like he is every Saturday. He excuses himself to go pick up DuQuan himself. This should be interesting.

Cece finds Jess trying to push the meth down the drain in the shower, she looks a little crazy and that is because she is sure some of the meth has soaked into her blood stream through her boob skin. Yep, boob skin. Cece rolls her eyes and tells her to knock it off; they have to flush the drugs right now. In case you have already called this, the toilet clogs. Something they can hear in Nick and Schmidt’s room where Tess Dorado is looking around. Nick is so stressed out he has sweat through the back of his shirt so Schmidt gives him a kimono to cover up.

Schmidt excuses himself from the group to go see what’s happening in the bathroom. That leaves Tess Dorado to go look at Jess’s room and Winston to hold Nick back to ask what is going on. Nick does what Nick always does when he is uncomfortable; he moonwalks backwards out of the room. At least he is consistent.

In the bathroom Schmidt finds Jess crying, she might be on drugs, and Cece trying to pick up pieces of meth off the floor. They are out of towels but Schmidt is their best cleaner so maybe he can come up with something. That something involves taking off his shirt and questioning Cece about her date while using his shirt to clean up the water off the floor. I’m surprised Schmidt would use his shirt to clean anything especially the bathroom floor but its happening. Winston happens to stick his head in the bathroom in time to hear Jess say something about the meth. She tries to tell him it is medical meth for her cramps. He isn’t buying it. They don’t have time to think too much about it though because they realize they left Tess Dorado with Nick. Alone. Nothing good can come from that. Nick is so sweaty now he looks like he just ran a marathon; he starts to sing “Landslide” again while Tess looks on in confusion.

Tess wants to know what Nick is hiding. Nick comes clean about how he made love to himself behind a post office when he was 13. When he was 10 he put a lemon in his sleeping Mom’s mouth. When he was 11 he tried on his girl cousin’s tights and he didn’t hate the way it felt. Nick’s mind is a scary place.

Back in the bathroom Winston is coming to the realization that Jess didn’t tell him, not to protect him but because she doesn’t see him as a cop. She’s sorry but she admits that is true. Winston is going to tell Tess Dorado it was his meth, maybe he wasn’t meant to be a cop.

Jess can’t let him do it though and she runs out confessing that her name is Jessica Day and she has meth, so much it is covering the bathroom floor. Also she is still pretty sure she is drugged from the contact the meth had with her boob skin. Tess is completely stunned.

She lines them all up against the wall in the living room while she goes into the bathroom to look around. They are not to move, think or talk. Jess immediately starts talking about the partner she can imagine Winston would have had. Nick is excited he kept a secret, something Schmidt thinks is on par with something a six year old could do. Cece accepts Schmidt’s apology for kissing her, she did kiss him back a little so it’s fine.

Tess comes back out to inform the group that what they have there are aquarium rocks, not meth, just rocks. Jess wants to know if that means Winston passed. Tess says of course he did, Winston is one of their best cadets. He is going to make a fine cop. Everyone is very pleased.

Coach takes that moment to show up with a guy who is clearly not a child and has a rehearsed speech about how lucky he is to have Mr. Winston in his life. No one buys it.

New Girl airs 9/8c on Fox