THE FLASH: Fastest Man Alive Recap

Holy Flash Sparks Batman! I am not going to get through this review without calling Barry a cutie, so I’ll just start with that. Barry Allen is a cutie-pie, and I mean that in every context possible. He’s like a very fast puppy, only we don’t have to panic when he runs into traffic. Anyway, we open with Barry joyfully running around and saving people from a burning building with his number one fanboy Cisco. Look, if I suddenly developed the ability to run at hundreds of miles per hour, I’m pretty sure I’d be as gleeful as Barry is here. Caitlin, however, is less enthused about Cicso and Barry’s little team-up, calling Barry a supersonic fireman. Even Wells is a little cautious, as he warns Barry to know his limits. I’m thinking this might be the theme of this episode!

The other theme appears to be balancing your life because Joe calls wanting to know where Barry is. Barry’s all, “My day job beckons!” and scoots off, but is considerably annoyed with himself when he shows up sans clothes (just his work clothes sadly; the Flash and the Arrow do not share the same aversion to shirts). Anyway, the robbery’s at a gunshop, and Barry uses his weird CSI superpower (why use science when you can use Shawn’s Psych abilities?) to figure out that even though there was just one person on the video, there are six sets of prints and they’re all the same size.

At the police station, which has the coolest mural in the lobby, Joe dresses Barry down for slacking off and going to fight crime. Barry promises not to break anymore promises. Joe: “Keep on lying like that. You’re liable to get struck by lightning again.”

FLASHBACK. Younger Joe and Tiny Barry. Baby Iris is ADORABLE. Tiny Barry wants to see his dad, Younger Joe’s not inclined to let him. Tiny Barry stomps off with the “I HATE YOU” I’m sure we’ve all shouted at our parents. Back to the lab, Barry’s not getting the mass spectrometer to work, and instead vibrates his hand to get the test tube results. Which only leads to him having a dizzy spell—right as Iris walks in, carping about journalism class. Ha! I see what you did there, show. She wonders why he’s staring and why he’s not in a suit and tie because he promised to help her out with the science stuff at an event. “How fast can you get home and change?” “…Pretty fast.”

Cockblock Boyfriend Eddie shows up and it’s awkward because Iris and Eddie pretend not to know each other. Barry reminds them that he knows their secret. I’m a horrible person for finding them cute, right?

But on to my other excitement! Genre powerhouse William Sadler is in this episode! While he might be the president in the Marvel world, he’s just a scientist here. Duded Up Barry and Iris stand in the audience as he talks about his work in organ transference. Barry tries to talk science, Iris would rather talk personal stuff. She wants to know if Barry is avoiding her because of Eddie. Before they can talk about it, she spots Dr. Simon Stagg (William Sadler) walking by and asks for a quote. And before they can REALLY talk, of course the place is robbed by six gunmen. Barry saves a security guard but ends up outside against a dumpster with another dizzy spell. WHAT IS HAPPENING? Something pretty bad, apparently, given that he passes out right before “The Flash” flashcard appears on the screen to remind us what show we’re watching.

Iris wakes Barry up in the alley outside. Eddie offers to call a paramedic for Barry (he’s already super-improved from the pilot), and Joe is not happy that Barry is chasing bad guys because he’s not bulletproof. Also not happy with Barry is his team: Caitlin yells at him for not sharing that he’s been having issues. “You of all people should know that in science we share! We do not keep secrets.” Ronnie the fiancé is brought up again. I wonder if we’ll be seeing him. To figure out what’s wrong with him, they put him on a treadmill that’s been Cisco’d to study his vitals, and he crashes in the most hilarious way.

Joe shows up at Barry’s lair looking for him, and after a brief flashback about Baby Iris, spots the STAR Labs sweatshirt on his desk. Cut to Barry: he’s hypoglycemic, and will need to eat 850 tacos to maintain his metabolism. Joe tracks the team down (awkward!) and urges Barry to go back to his law enforcement job, where it’s safer. Barry points out that the metahumans aren’t exactly an equal match for the police. Joe just wants his kid safe, you guys. Barry wants to save lives, and they butt heads, and I can barely get through the scene without calling Barry an adorable puppy.

So many bad deals happen in dark alleys. Have you noticed this? Dr. Stagg’s security guard (Java, played by Michasha Armstrong) meets with a creepy dude (Danton Black, played by Michael Smith). When Java refuses to cooperate, Black clones himself and beats the guy. I’m gonna guess metahuman.

Iris wants to know what’s going on with Barry, and to be fair, he tells her…at his speed. Which does her absolutely no good, but before she can pin him down on anything, he gets readings on the skin cells from the killers the night before, and they’re stem cells. They ask Simon Stagg who might want to kill him, including a disgruntled ex-employee named Danton Black, and the second he hears his name, Black themselves show up to shoot Stagg. Barry runs in as Joe sees the Black clone himself a few times. Too bad Hydra as a supervillain identity is already taken because you beat one clone—or punch one, as Barry does here—and two more appear! They beat Barry pretty severely, but he gets away.

“Meet Captain Clone!” Don’t worry, Cisco will come up with something cooler.

The team does their research on Black, and Barry balks because with his physique, he’s more likely to be the kid being beaten up on the playground. Wells notes that every grand enterprise has a few setbacks, and Barry goes for a run to clear his head (which is apparently a sign that it’s flashback time). Tiny Barry visits his dad in prison. Older Allen doesn’t want his son seeing him in handcuffs, and Younger Joe shows up as all of our hearts break. In the current timeline, Barry’s running takes him to Iris’s coffee house, where she asks him if he’s ready to tell her what’s on his mind.

Meanwhile, Joe pleads with Stagg to take up extra security. Wells shows up and has a scoffing match with Stagg, and scientists arguing will never not be funny to me. Wells and Joe talk Barry. Wells points out that Barry quit crime-fighting, but the next time he suits up, he will fail due to doubting himself.

At Jitters, Barry apologizes for being a jerk. One of the greatest sight gags in this episode is all of the food Barry’s been consuming: empty donut boxes and multiple plates. Stress eating, indeed. He offers to help her find a new topic for her assignment, since Stagg was a no-go, but it seems she’s found one herself: the mysterious streak saving lives! How great is that? Barry’s panicked face is even greater. What’s not great is the call he gets from Caitlin. Black has found them at STAR labs. Ruh-roh.

Faaaakeout. Barry shows up to save the day only to find out that the Black at STAR labs is just a replicate. That she grew. Is she a supervillain in training? Because wow, I’m getting some serious warning signs here. Barry wants to know why he—it—isn’t doing anything. The clones are an empty shell without Black, which means that if they can take out Black Prime (he’ll be the one showing weakness), they can shut down the hivemind. The clone moves just as Joe arrives to shoot it. Black’s on the move, and Joe points out that only Barry can stop him. Aw, Barry’s got his dad’s support again, and high-calorie protein bars from Cisco. I hope they taste good; he’s going to need a lot of them.

Black Prime and the Hivemind have shown up at Stagg Industries to off Stagg. Apparently Black is mad because his wife died due to a degenerative coronary disease. Stagg stole his research so his wife died and can we PLEASE STOP KILLING THE WOMEN? Elizabeth the doomed wife doesn’t get more than a few lines from a crazy dude, but we killed Nora Allen in the pilot and Elizabeth in the second episode, so you are 0 for 2 on a) not fridging a woman and b) passing the freakin’ Bechdel Test. GET ON THIS, WRITERS. Women deserve better than this.

Back in the fight, Barry’s overwhelmed by the Hivemind, which is reaching crazy numbers. He finds the prime due to a drop of sweat on the guy’s forehead, and all of the clones collapse. Just as I wonder how they’re going to possibly hope to keep this guy imprisoned, he wakes up and runs straight for the window, killing himself (and growing an extra hand and HOLY BODY HORROR BATMAN, THIS IS NOT FRINGE, STOP THAT) by getting Barry to let him go.

Cisco’s final name for the dude is Multiplex. I like Black Prime and the Hivemind more because it sounds like a band, but fine. Since you’re a member of Team Flash, you can name the villains. Just expect a long email from Felicity Smoak, Mr. Ramon. Barry and his team share a bonding moment. Joe brings Barry a pizza or three and promises to help him free his dad, and they share a touching father/son moment.

Creepy post-outtro scene involves Stagg and Wells. They talk about Barry—“The man in the red mask is the key; and I’m gonna get him.”—and Harrison stands up and SHANKS SIMON STAGG. It’s not personal, he says. The man in the red mask, the fastest man alive, must be kept safe.

Um, guys, I’m thinking that Dr. Harrison Wells is an even worse supervillain than Caitlin. Just my two scents. What did you think?

The Flash Airs on the CW at 8/7c on Tuesdays. Screencaps courtesy of Springfield! Springfield!