NEW GIRL Recap: Landline

Apparently a new building is going up next to the building our quirky group lives in. This is seriously affecting cell service, in fact the only place they can get service is by the window next to Nick’s bed. Nick just wants to take a nap, as he puts it his room is not a business center. The gang doesn’t care though, Jess tries to talk to her Principle about the new hire for the Science Department, Schmidt has a scarf on backorder which is too bad because the hat that goes with the scarf is just sitting in his room collecting dust, Winston has some issue with someone being electrocuted and Coach sounds like he is hearing if a pregnancy test is negative or not. So that all seems about right.

Jess has had enough; she suggests a radical idea – a landline. Coach can’t figure out where you put your music and Schmidt wants to know why there is a rope attached to it. Come on now, they aren’t that young! They’ve seen a phone. It rings and Winston is enthralled, “Just like the movies.” They can’t decide whether to answer it or not – they have no caller ID set up.

At school Jess has the school nurse, who for some reason is dressed like a nurse in a low budget porn movie, and Coach in her office. Since they are having sex, and they work together, they have to declare their relationship. Relationship seems like a very strong word for whatever is going on with them. Enter Rose, she sees Coach and makes some comments that imply she is also doing Coach. Our dirty nurse and Rose start talking shit. For instance, “I’ll send your weave right back to the loom.” Jess needs to find a different form. So there is a preprinted form for doing more than one coworker at a time. Good to know.

Nick is home bored when he hears the landline ring. He reluctantly answers it at first and then continues to answer the phone as it rings all day. When Winston and Schmidt get home he has their messages all written out and alphabetized. He muses that he feels like a secretary. He says it with an air of accomplishment. Nick likes being part of the guy’s life – even if it is very intrusive.

Over at the school Coach accuses Jess of ruining his game. She counters that it is a school, there should be boundaries and he should be professional. No sooner has she gotten this tirade out than the Principal introduces her to the new science teacher, a very attractive British man named Ryan. Jess does that thing women do when they find a man adorable. She tilts her head to the side and smiles like an idiot. Better yet his last name is pronounced ‘goes-in-you’. Of course it is. Coach is quite amused.

Still at home playing secretary Nick calls Schmidt and Winston on a three way call to give them their midday messages. He’s really getting into it. So much so that he broke up with a girl that Winston said he didn’t know if he liked and submitted a photo for Schmidt to a magazine doing an interview with him. Talk about overstepping boundaries.

Jess is holding a faculty meeting to go over her anti fraternization rule. No one seems particularly interested. Coach suggests the new guy come up and help Jess act out a sexual scenario in which she could use her phrase, “Shut it down.” followed by a hand gesture that looks like it was used by JV cheerleaders. Unfortunately this move causes Jess to essentially feel up Ryan. Not once but twice. Coach is beyond happy with this development.

Winston and Schmidt have enlisted Cece to record the outgoing message for their brand new answering machine. Poor Nick has been let go. Good thing he has other things to do – like eat his bowl of jelly. Later Schmidt can’t get the machine to work and he ends up being forced to ask Nick if he heard any of the messages left during the day. Nick admits he liked answering the phone because it made him feel connected to his friends, something he hasn’t felt lately.

Wouldn’t you know as soon as Schmidt storms out to return the answering machine to 1993 the phone rings, it is the magazine to do the phone interview with Schmidt. It’s now or they cancel the whole thing so Nick hands the phone to Winston. Back in the day Winston was so smooth on the phone it was like magic. He pretends to be Schmidt and when Schmidt comes home he is impressed.

Jess decides to repeal the no fraternization rule and tells Coach who is in bed with the nurse. Way to respect the rules. The next day Jess runs into Ryan and its awkward, only because she is awkward in general.

The episode ends with Judy, the girl Nick dumped without Winston’s permission, pulling a Say Anything outside the loft.

New Girl airs 9/8c on Fox