NEW GIRL Recap: Dice

Two separate stories on tonight’s New Girl so let’s take the B line story first, shall we?

Winston needs to make friends at the academy and he is having some trouble doing that. He asks Cece, Nick and Coach to come to a barbeque with him to help him make friends. Unfortunately for Winston, Nick, Cece and Coach got high before they bbq and are now acting weird and a little crazy as high people tend to do. By the end of the episode Winston gets a nickname – something he has been dying to get – and Cece, Nick and Coach are waiting their high out in a closet. Did I mention Winston’s nickname is Toilet? He’s really happy about it though so that’s nice.

For the A story line Jess asks Schmidt for dating advice. You can see how this is going to go south, right?

He is meeting women on Dice. It’s a dating app, an app he says Jess can’t handle. It requires too much instinct. He leaves his phone out though and the first thing she does is set up a new account for herself.

Do you remember that episode of Modern Family where Phil says he is hip? He knows the lingo. For instance WTF, he is sure, means Why The Face? Well insert Jess into that exact scenario. She is “Darn Tooten’ Fun or as she puts it in her profile DTF. If for some reason you don’t know what DTF actually stands for Google it. She also says she is seeking same. This cannot end well and it quickly doesn’t. Jess calls Schmidt. She “diced” and now she needs a ride. She is in some very odd man’s house. He is running on a treadmill and his beard is braided. That is never okay. Not ever.
Schmidt picks her up and he is so mad he can’t even talk to her. She needs his help. Pretty Please. He finally agrees.

The next morning at the bar Schmidt is guiding Jess through the intricacies of Dicing. “…That’s why no matter how tricked out it is you never get into a van.”
Also some things that sound like one thing but mean something else:

Schmidt: I’m just staying in a hotel
Jess: You like to travel
Schmidt: I’m homeless and a pervert.

Schmidt: My Mom is the most amazing woman.
Jess: You love your Mother.
Schmidt: I’m a virgin and somehow still a pervert.

Schmidt: I prefer public transportation
Jess: Earth conscious
Schmidt: Multiple DUI’s and of course pervert.

Next thing you know there is a guy there to meet Jess. Schmidt set up 10 dates for her on Dice like a crash course. The first guy grows raisins. For real. Grows raisins. Schmidt wants her to cut the date immediately. Schmidt finally has enough and interrupts the date with some excuse about, “Ma called the bees are back.”

Date two: Something about live chickens and eating them. Enter Schmidt. They found her son! He’s alive. Exit stage right.

Schmidt finally gets through to Jess in a touching moment. He calls her the prize. She is the last piece of pie and these guys are the fat kids in the cafeteria. She takes it for the compliment it is.

She cuts the rest of the dates short with the lines Schmidt gave her. “A document has gone missing” or “A prominent US Senator is trying to contact me.” Oh that old chestnut…

Last date is with a guy Jess actually liked, “Dreamy Eyed Jacob”. They have all sorts of stuff in common but Jess blows it when he tells her he lives next door and she thinks he is trying to get her home for sex.

In an effort to make this right Jess calls Jacob and they agree to get another drink but when he shows back up he starts doing some magic. She really wishes she hadn’t made that call. By the end of the episode she is still watching him do bad magic and successfully trying to get out of there.

New Girl airs 9/8c on Fox