NEW GIRL Recap: The Captain

Nick and Jess are still going strong. Schmidt, Winston and Winston’s cat are in the living room wondering how Nick and Jess can be so loud and happy. Well Schmidt is wondering. Winston is content just to stroke his cat while lying on the couch. This is not a euphemism – it’s really what he is doing.
Schmidt can’t be faced with their happy relationship – he is going to put a stop to it – despite Winston’s comment that they are bullet proof and Schmidt should let it go.

Later Winston is watching Nick and Jess be that annoying couple who are all giggly and close talking while eating. He isn’t annoyed though, he is upset because at the V-E-T today he found out his cat will need to be something that rhymes with fleutered. Poor Ferguson will never experience what it is like to go get his freak on. Winston’s words, not mine. Nick thinks they should throw a cat bachelor party so Ferguson can get laid. He is joking; however Winston thinks getting Ferguson laid is a grand idea. I cannot believe that I am typing entire paragraphs about a cat needing to get laid.

As Winston leaves Schmidt shows up with a cake for Nick and Jess’s one month anniversary. Of course they don’t trust him. Nick doesn’t trust him because after Schmidt saw Titanic he started the Billy Zane fan club. That’s a pretty good reason right there. Jess thinks that makes her madder than anything Schmidt has ever done. She is going to test the cake he left, you know because she’s so mad, while Nick goes to see what Schmidt is really up to.
Bad idea Nick, bad idea. Schmidt wonders how many relationships Nick has had that lasted more than a month. (just the one – Caroline) Then Schmidt starts to tell Nick how he is so proud of him, by now usually he is overthinking things while getting panicky and anxious. He’s hoping to get in his head, but Nick says it isn’t going to work. Unfortunately that night he is kissing Jess when it does get into his head, causing performance anxiety. Something Nick assures Jess has never happened before. Why do guys do that? We all know it has happened before. Be honest.

Back to Winston and Ferguson, they are at the pet store looking for a slutty girl cat. While there they meet a lady picking up her cat. She thinks Winston is hitting on her when he says his boy cat is looking for a girl cat. Winston asks her questions like, “Does your girl cat have all of her parts?” and “So how often do you groom your cat?” Is he really this person now?

At the loft Nick and Jess are silently eating breakfast. Nick doesn’t want to talk about his lack of performance the night before so he makes up a reason to leave the room. Enter Schmidt. He says if Jess had a Nick problem he could probably help her out. She actually falls for it. Schmidt tells her Nick has weird dark tastes in bed. The Captain for instance. She of course wants to know what The Captain is. How is she falling for this? He explains what that entails but he is making a smoothie so all we can hear is, “clean yourself up immediately…” and “how comfortable are you with racial slurs?” Jess looks traumatized.
Jess marches into the bedroom and does whatever The Captain is to Nick. They both look very upset afterwards. Thankfully they start to talk about what they did and why and FINALLY they realize Schmidt set them up. When confronted Schmidt is unapologetic. He did warn them he was going to try and break them up. Unfortunately for Schmidt it backfires. Nick admits having feelings, he likes Jess a lot. He also likes the cello, it’s a beautiful instrument. Oh and he watched a zebra give birth at the zoo and he likes when rap songs use choirs – that makes him really happy. While he is sharing those and other things Schmidt is watching in disgust and confusion. Nick and Jess kiss and head towards Jess’s room. Schmidt follows and physically gets between them on the bed.

Winston’s “play date” shows up. He immediately invites her (and her cat) to his bedroom. This is going fine until they can hear all of the shouting going on in Jess’s room. Ferguson gets up to see what is going on and Winston yells about people ruining the mood. Winston and guest rush into the bathroom to find Jess and Nick watching Schmidt take a week’s worth of Jess’s birth control pills. He has lost his mind.
Winston’s yells their cats were about to have sex which causes his girl to leave with her cat, she can’t believe Winston really just wanted their cats to have sex.

The gang gets together for a loft meeting. Winston wants to cover things like personal space, public space and maybe even boundaries. Winston doesn’t want to hear Jess and Nick always talking about sex. He wants Schmidt to stop taking out his issues on everyone else. He needs to deal with what he did. Winston says he can’t be the only normal one in the loft. He isn’t. After he gets up and storms out, Jess tells Schmidt he did a bad thing and now he has to deal with it.

We see Schmidt over at Cece’s leaving a note under her mat. He watches for her to read it, which she does before sticking her gum in it and throwing it out. He sits down on the steps dejected.

The episode ends with Nick attempting to soundproof his room and he admits that he has never quite felt like this before. He goes on to talk about his feeling even after Jess shows him her boobs. Doesn’t even slow him down. Anyone remember the Friends episode where Bruce Willis opens up to Rachel and she can’t get him to stop? Picture that without the crying.

New Girl airs Tuesday 9/8c on Fox