NEW GIRL Recap: First Time

I’m so glad New Girl is back and with an episode about how each of them lost their virginity no less. Flashbacks are my favorite.
Schmidt wastes no time in saying something I feel the need to repeat word for word. He is going on a date with Elizabeth and the last time he had sex with her he was fat, “…and accessing my penis was like getting the remote control out of the couch.” Cece, Jess and Winston don’t seem to have anything to say about his and I’m just shocked.
Winston takes a moment to share that Daisy called to tell him this was his last chance, something that for whatever reason makes Winston very confident.
Jess gets a text from a guy named Teddy who is in town and would love to get a drink. Jess is surprised and Nick wants to know who Teddy is. When he gets no answer he asks again in a higher pitched voice. Schmidt says he and Jess didn’t work out, “www.moveon.org” Jess pauses for a moment before saying Teddy is the guy that, “took her flower”.
I need to take a moment to comment that Cece has had her arms above her head the entire conversation, due to hair removal cream under her arms. It’s no wonder her arms look so thin, I couldn’t hold my arms up that long. These are the things I think about while I should be paying attention to the show.
Anyway, Cece makes Jess tell the story of how Jess lost her “flower” to Teddy. Schmidt says it can’t be worse than how he lost his virginity. Jess assures him it is and they start a who’s firs time was the worst challenge.

Jess’s Story: Prom night the year 2000. Since Cece and Jess were both 18 they rented a hotel room for after the dance. Jess asks her date if he would like to freak, this involves dancing towards the bed and her date asking her permission to remove her dress. There is no zipper though, her Mom sewed her into the dress. She tells him to rip the dress, something he is reluctant to do. What he isn’t reluctant to do is stop every few seconds to make sure she feels safe. She yells at him to be a man and now the poor guy doesn’t feel safe at all. Jess leaves the room to sit in the hall when she sees a guy with a guitar. (Dylan O’Brien from Teen Wolf) He sits down next to her and they sing while he plays his guitar. He leans in to kiss her when her original prom date comes out of the hotel room with two steak knives taped together. He wants her permission to use them – as scissors – on her dress. Unfortunately he swings the knives around a little too much and cuts his hand open. Her guitar playing guy walks away.
I should mention that Nick keeps interjecting jealous comments throughout this story.
Jess’s story isn’t over though, it continues years later when Jess moves to LA to be with Cece. They go out to a bar, the bar Nick now works at – although they don’t remember that part. Jess is now 22 and still a virgin. Cece points out three guys at a table, maybe one of them would relieve Jess of her “flower”. The guys at the table are Winston, Nick and Schmidt.
Jess says no thank you and when she turns back around she sees the guitar playing guy from prom night. Declaring this fate she asks him if he wants to, “do it”. Unfortunately he lives in his car and she sleeps on Cece’s couch. Thankfully she has an idea. I think I used thankfully too soon as we see them in a plastic castle on a playground. I can’t believe they fit in there let alone have enough room to do anything. He says he is on anti-depressants so it might take a while, two hours later and still nothing.
Jess: “It was like a windsock on a windless day.”
Jess tries to get something going by changing positions but all she does is get them stuck half out of the castle and half in. It’s now daylight and kids are having their birthday party in the park. Jess and her guy are topless with their torsos outside of the castle. The fire department gets called to help them out of their predicament and while the fire department is helping them they find a homeless man, dead on the park bench next to the castle. If that isn’t a mood ender I don’t know what is. So while stuck the police come by to ask them questions about what they saw, if anything, in regards to the dead man. When they are done being questioned a fireman comes up with an axe and cuts open the castle. The fireman was Teddy, the guy she lost her virginity too. He picked her up in his arms and carried her away from the playground. She tells Teddy to take her home. She says it was the heat of the moment and she didn’t need to think about it.

Cece’s Story: Also prom night. She is downstairs in the bar drinking while Jess is upstairs dealing with her date debacle. She is telling the bartended how she is a virgin and how she doesn’t want to plan anything out, if it happens it happens. Wouldn’t you know Mick Jagger is at the end of the bar, overhears this and offers to be her first. She takes him up on the offer. That’s right, Cece lost her virginity to Mick Jagger.

Schmidt’s Story: Junior year of college, 200 pounds heavier. Schmidt asks Nick if he can have the dorm room later, he and Elizabeth have been talking and they, “plan on merging” later. Nick’s fine with it, he has plans to see Dave Mathews later anyway. Nick wants to know if this is the first time for Schmidt. Schmidt says no, of course not, but since he is here can he ask a few questions.
Does it ever hurt for the guys?
If I pee while it’s happening will she die?
How many minutes before sex is it okay to eat?
In terms of lubricant do I put a small amount everywhere or do I use a large amount in a small – smaller area?
Nick doesn’t know the answer to these questions, mainly because he had already taken some mushrooms. In fact he ends up stuck on his bed thanks to the troll he thinks he can see who wouldn’t let him leave. Elizabeth and Schmidt don’t notice Nick on the bottom bunk and go right ahead and do their thing on the top bunk. Schmidt gets the lubricant everywhere, so much so that he slips right off the top bunk and onto Nick who was trying to crawl across the floor and get away. Elizabeth has lube in her eyes so she can’t see what is happening on the floor. What is happening is Nick and Schmidt slipping around on top of each other, thanks to all the lube.

Winston’s Story: Nick’s Dad took Nick and Winston with him on a business trip to NY and told them they could do whatever they wanted – and they did. Their exciting idea is to watch Titanic and eat pizza in the hotel room. Nick’s Dad comes back to the room with two hookers, something Winston is excited about but Nick is a little apprehensive about. I don’t blame Nick.
Jess can’t believe they lost their virginity to prostitutes. Winston is pretty sure they were business women who could dance sexy. Nick reiterates what we all know – hookers. We flashback to Ms. Octopussy trying to get Nick to loosen up with a drink while Winston dances with Mysteria.
Nick drinks a little too much and starts crying, which seems about right. Winston however takes a whole 10 seconds with Mysteria and then after they are done asks her what she does for a living. Poor delusional Winston.
Jess still can’t believe Nick lost his virginity to a woman who called herself Octopussy but Nick says he didn’t, he couldn’t go through with it. Later that night Nick’s Dad comes back to the room to talk to Nick. Nick says he was worried the FBI would track him down, because the FBI is worried about hookers I guess. Nick’s Dad says he thinks too much, but he doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to do. Sometimes though the best things are done when you don’t over think it.

Nick’s Story: Alison Daniels, on a towel, in the woods, he cried and she left her bra on. He thought it was nice.

Winston declares himself the winner of the worst virginity story and everyone goes to leave. Nick pulls Jess aside and asks if Teddy was a full-fledged fireman or the one that stays behind to take care of the fire house dog. Jess says real fireman.
Jess’s phone rings and she says she has to go meet Teddy. She asks Nick what he thinks and he just stands there in silence so she leaves. Jess gets to the elevator and as the doors are closing Nick stops them, he picks her up and carriers her back into the apartment. She asks what he is doing and he says he isn’t going to over think it.

Winston is with Daisy who has three hours until she has to catch her flight. Winston however says he doesn’t do well under pressure so she turns on the TV for him as a distraction. Wouldn’t you know Titanic is on.

Cece is sitting on her bed with her fiancé. He wonders if they should try it once since they will be married in a few days anyway but she says not yet. Making it a little awkward.

Schmidt is with Elizabeth who wants to try some of Schmidt’s crazy toys. She must really like him. I mean the tow requires 16 single A batteries!

Jess and Nick end the episode in bed, naked, out of breath and smiling.

New Girl airs Tuesday 9/8c on Fox