NEW GIRL Recap: Bachelorette Party

We are going to open with a quote because it is the best way to describe the hideous bright yellow jogging suite Nick is wearing.
Jess: Oh my God, what is that?
Nick: I don’t want to hear it, okay? My mother sent it to me. It belonged to my father. We have the same exact butt.
Schmidt: What are you wearing?
Nick: What are you wearing?
Schmidt: Please take that thing off. You look like a homeless pencil.

Nick says he won’t take it off – he has a dead Dad pass. He can do whatever he wants when he wants. For instance – he is going to tap dance. It is a very terrible flaying arm weird stomping routine. Thankfully Winston shows up with some mail. The invites to Cece’s wedding have arrived – which is in three weeks. Schmidt is annoyed that he doesn’t get to bring a plus one.
Schmidt: “You can’t invite an ex to a wedding and not give him the dignity of consolation sex. Girl better recognize: Schmidt-y gonna go get his plus-one!”

Jess tells Winston and Nick that while she hasn’t technically been asked to be Cece’s Maid of Honor she is throwing Cece a surprise bachelorette party. Since the only guys allowed at a bachelorette party are strippers she tells the boys to, “Oil up or get out guys”
We get a flashback to Cece and Jess as kids. Cece may never have planned her wedding but she had very specific ideas about what she wanted to do for her bachelorette party. She wanted it to be the dirtiest bachelorette party ever and Jess is going to make that happen.
She also needs Nick and Winston’s help to pull it off. She wants them to kidnap Shivrang so she can get Cece alone. Since Winston can’t scheme without going scary overboard he thinks they should, “roughhouse him a little bit — drop him in the desert ’til he don’t breathe no more.”

Cece meanwhile is going over the seating chart for the wedding while Shivrang’s Aunt and Grandmother look on in what can only be described as disdain. Wouldn’t you know that is when Schmidt shows up, he wants a plus one and an apology. Cece says no way and she pulls him out of the room to continue their argument in a less “public” forum. Cece tells him she is on a budget, plus ones are for spouse and serious partners only. Since isn’t a relationship guy so she is pretty sure he won’t have a serious girlfriend in three week’s time.
Schmidt: “I can do anything I set my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano’s phone number just by choosing random numbers.”
Cece says fine, if you have a real girlfriend by the wedding she can come with him. Schmidt accepts the challenge and leaves with, “Time to go make some dreams come true.”

That evening Jess has Cece’s bachelorette party participants assembled in the loft. It is a few models and a very pregnant and horny Sadie. Sadie is really not helping the party vibe by offering gyno exams to anyone who wants to let her take a peek. Jess threatens to call her wife if she doesn’t rein it in.

Cece & Shivrang’s Aunt go upstairs to the loft to grab a CD and Nick and Winston jump in Shivrang’s car to “kidnap him” for their make shift bachelor party. Unfortunately for Cece she is met at the door with a “Pin the Dong on the Shivrang” life size cut out. Shivrang’s family doesn’t seem amused. Shivrang’s Aunt leaves the room to wash her hands and Cece blurts out that she has never seen Shivrang’s thang. She seems as appalled by the confession as everyone else is shocked.
Cece can’t believe she is going to commit the rest of her life to a man she hasn’t seen naked.

At the bar Nick, Winston and Shivrang are getting a drink when Nick gets a call from Jess telling him she needs a picture of Shivrang’s penis. I’m proud of Jess for saying penis but Nick doesn’t seem to notice that. He tries to pull the Dead Dad card to get out of having to take the picture but Jess isn’t listening to his excuses.
Jess: And I need it to scale, so please put, like, a nickel or a big toe or a golf pencil in there for reference.
Jess finally says one picture and they can come home – Nick says they will be home in 20 minutes.
The girls are upstairs bored with the G-Rated topics until Nadia puts on the slide show Jess made for the party. It is pictures of Cece doing things Shivrang’s family is not going to approve of.

Back at the bar Schmidt shows up angry about woman in general.
Schmidt: Well, spoiler alert! Women are liars. They’re supposed to want commitment, right? But then I offer it to them on a silver platter, and they throw it back in my face like a comedy pie.
Flash back to that afternoon, Schmidt has met a woman in the park…
Schmidt: I know this is awkward because we slept together and I never returned any of your phone calls. So this might come as a shock to you, but… will you be my girlfriend?
Girl #1 [relieved laughter]: Oh God. I thought you had herpes! But no to the girlfriend, you dick.
Later, at Schmidt’s office…
Schmidt: Do you remember two years ago when we were watching coverage of the BP oil spill and doing it during the commercials? And then you asked me if I wanted a serious relationship, and I laughed in your face? Well my new answer is yes.
Girl #2: [Glares silently]
Even later, Schmidt jumps out at a woman in a grocery store parking lot…
Schmidt [thrusting a single red rose at her]: Be my girlfriend!
Girl #3: [Screams, drops groceries, flees]
Schmidt: What’s that all about? [Looks down at her groceries, a disgusted look crosses his face.] Cream cheese in bulk?!

Schmidt thinks maybe he really isn’t relationship material but Winston reminds Schmidt he was with Elizabeth for years. Flashback to Fat Schmidt rubbing Elizabeth’s feet. Schmidt says it doesn’t count because that was his Big Guy period.
Schmidt leaves to go find Elizabeth and Shivrang sits back down. Nick suggests they play their first American Bachelor Party Game – Taking a picture of your junk. Nick does it (at the booth in the middle of the bar no less) and then tells Shivrang it is his turn. Shivrang says absolutely not and gets up to get them another round of drinks.

Upstairs at the loft the slide show is still playing despite Jess trying to block the picture on the screen. Shivrang’s Aunt is more upset than when she got there and when she questions Cece on her past behavior Cece denies ever wanting a party like this. She says none of this is her. Jess really looks hurt and pulls Cece out of the room. She doesn’t like the way Cece is pretending to be something she isn’t. Maybe they are moving along with this wedding too fast. Cece refuses to take advise from “…the girl who’s in the middle of a seventh-grade debacle with the boy across the hall.” She then goes a little too far insulting Jess’s pajama sets. They are now screaming at each other while the whole living room of people can see them.
It wouldn’t be a complete bachelor party without an ill-timed stripper. We get Alfredo who is dressed like an old timey ice cream man who is going to bust his moves to 50 Cent “Candy Shop”. The girls yell at him too and make him leave. Poor Alfredo.

At the bar the boys are still trying to get a picture of Shivrang so they can go home. When he goes to the bathroom they run in after him yelling fire. Winston even actually lights matches and starts a fire in the garbage can in the bathroom. Again…taking it way too far.
Shivrang wants to know what is going on. Nick tries to cover with some sort of story about how his grief at losing his Dad can only be overcome with a picture of his penis but obviously that is going to work so he just comes out and tells Shivrang he needs the picture for Cece who is freaking out.
Shivrang is worried that Cece is freaking out and says he has to go talk to her. He may be the only adult on the show. Winston however thinks he can just solve all the issues in one swoop. He takes the picture of Nick’s junk and forwards it to Jess. Nick is appalled.
Jess gets the text and everyone starts looking at the picture. Shivrang’s Aunt grabs the phone to see what is going on and starts laughing. She understands what Cece is going through. In India she says women cry about this for days. Immediately the Aunt isn’t as scary or judgmental.

Schmidt has tracked down Elizabeth and he knocks on her door. He announces that he’s really there, he’s not a dream. She is less than entertained by him. He tells her he wants to take her to a wedding and she says, “No, I can’t take you seriously when you’re wearing such tight pants.”
Schmidt explains the Cece wedding issues and why he needs a date but Elizabeth says no. She says Schmidt was the greatest boyfriend, she loved Big Guy but then he lost weight and he got mean. So mean she has no desire to help him out. Oh and she hates his hair.

Back at the bachelorette party Shivrang’s Aunt is telling a story that end in, “Uh Oh…that’s not his leg.”
That’s when the boys get there. Nick wants to make sure no one looked at the picture but Jess assures him everyone looked at it and she congratulates Shivrang on his, “prize hog”. Shivrang says it wasn’t his stuff in the picture, it was Nick’s. Jess immediately grabs for her phone to take another look. Context is everything. Before she can take another look though Nick also grabs for the phone and they do a little tug of war.
Schmidt gets there moments later wondering why Alfredo is crying in the elevator.

In front of everyone Shivrang offers to show Cece his “software” and Nick suggests “hardware” is a better word. Cece says it’s fine, she doesn’t need to see it, and it’s just sometimes she is freaked out by how fast they are moving but it’s going to be okay.
Shivrang says he is going to do his best to make her the happiest women on the face of the earth and he kisses Cece while Schmidt looks on with sad eyes.

Later as Cece is picking up after everyone has left Schmidt apologizes if he was ever selfish in their relationship and he doesn’t want a plus one for her wedding. He’s really happy for her.
It’s now Jess and Cece’s turn to apologize to each other for the yelling earlier. Cece finally gets around to asking Jess to be her Maid of Honor even though in Indian weddings traditionally there isn’t one. Jess wholeheartedly accepts.

At the end of the night Schmidt shows up at Elizabeth’s door with three large pizzas. All hers, no judgments. He says he came back because the Big Guy is still somewhere inside his perfect body and he needs her help with what to do next. Elizabeth says he has to eat all of the pizza while she watches.
Schmidt: “So greasy! So many carbs! Welcome home, melted cheese! I don’t even know what pepperoni’s made of, it’s so good. It’s like waking up from a bad salad dream. Big Guy in the house!”

I can’t wait to see how this whole wedding thing plays out. No one actually believes Cece is getting married, right?

New Girl airs Tuesday 9/8c on Fox