NEW GIRL Recap: First Date

Worst Date Ever: Nick and Jess are left by themselves in the living room and Nick doesn’t know what to do because it is so awkward between them so what does he decide to go with…he puts his hand on Jess’s upper boob. Jess thinks they should talk about what is going on with them.
Nick goes out for the day and finds his Asian friend Tran. The Asian man, who doesn’t speak, just listens.
Nick says life is short, he needs to make moves. Like asking Jess out for a date. After what appears to be an all-day conversation – one sided conversation since Tran doesn’t speak – Nick decides he needs to say the following…
Nick: Jessica you are a beautiful woman and my life has not been the same since I met you and it would mean the world to me if you would go on a date with me.
Bless his heart he tries when he sees her at home and it comes out like this…
Nick: Jess……..ica. Dirty J. Doctor Day my toilet sister. If so, food.
In his defense she did answer the door to her room in a towel. Somehow she gets he wants to have food later so clearly they are a perfect match.
Schmidt and Winston help Nick get ready for his date – a suit, shaved face and neck – the works. It’s all going fine until they ask who the girl is. Amusingly the boys ask in the theme song to the show. Who’s that girl? What’s her name? It’s…Yolanda Winston. Nick grabs the keys and leaves; moments later they realize he gave them a fake name and he is going out with Jess.
Nick shows up at the hotdog stand where Jess thought they were having dinner. Nick says nope, he made reservations much to Jess’s surprise. Unfortunately this is where things start to unravel. Nick gets a ticket for jaywalking. They get to the restaurant and Nick is very suave until Jess asks him if this is a date, Nick freaks out – as per his usual.
Just then Russell walks in with a pretty blonde with a comment like, “This is why you left me, huh?” It’s now ever more awkward. Jess wants to forget about the date or not date and go get a drink at the bar as friends. By the time they get to the car Nick is out of Schmidt’s clothes and into his own. They don’t even get into the car though and Nick gets another ticket for jaywalking. They decide to stay at the restaurant and drink in that bar.
At the bar Nick and Jess are drinking and getting along, apparently alcohol helps them immensely. Nick tells Jess she is “ridiculously hot…” She asks him if he wants to get some dinner. They get back out to the car so Nick changes back into Schmidt’s clothes and they get another ticket for jaywalking. Back in the restaurant they have the nerve to ask Russell for the table back. The date is back on!
Russell actually gave up the table. Nick and Jess are still drinking and they are really tipsy. Russell leaves and stops at their table to say “you are really something”. This of course freaks them out so they follow Russell outside to find out what he meant by that. Russell says they don’t know who they are to each other. They of course disagree but Russell says fine, write it down then. “One night stand, relationship, above the waste only, etc…” They both look at each other and can’t figure what to write.
A long while later Nick and Jess are still writing things down while Russell and his date look on. Russell finally takes what they wrote and reads them to himself. However instead of sharing them he says this was a bad and idea and leaves with the notes.
Jess and Nick are left on the curb to talk. Jess has to know how he feels so they decide to say what they wrote on three. One…Two…Three…Neither can say what they wrote so Jess says from now on middle school rules, three feet apart, no touching. Nick says fine and then puts his hand on her upper boob.
Nick and Jess finally get home. Nick is eating because they never actually ate when Jess comes into the kitchen to get some chips. Jess can’t open the bottle of salsa though so Nick stands up to help her. They can’t stand that close to each other without serious smoldering. He walks her to her room and they say goodnight before going into their own rooms.

Winston & Schmidt: Apparently in the loft there is one phone charger. It is supposed to bring them closer together (duh) but they can’t ever decide which room is the most neutral to keep it in.
Later in the episode Schmidt puts the charger in the bathroom even though Winston wants to keep it in the kitchen. Winston and Schmidt realize they can’t let Nick and Jess get together because then Nick won’t be around as much and he is the only thing that holds their group together. So they try to decide how to sabotage Nick and Jess’s date when they come up with a plan. They go get Outside Dave and offer to pay him in 25 minutes worth of TV time and a home cooked sandwich in exchange for singing George Michaels Father Figure shirtless to Nick and Jess at the restaurant. As soon as they let Outside Dave in their loft though he runs into the bathroom and locks himself in. Schmidt can hear Outside Dave going through his fancy bath products though so he runs upstairs to the roof and drops in through the skylight. They can’t just call the cops because the charger is in the bathroom and their cell phone batteries are dead. Winston hears Schmidt’s screams and breaks down the door to find Outside Dave shaving Schmidt’s leg. It’s…well it’s odd. Schmidt is so happy Winston “saved his life” they decide they don’t need Nick to be around for them to be friends. Ahhhh.

Best Lines of the Night:
Schmidt: You can’t outrun the Jewish
Winston: We could break into a zoo, steal a bear then we shoot that bear full of Hep-C and then we release the bear in the restaurant right when they order dessert.

So what did you think? I’m not sure how I feel. I know that they can’t have happily ever after – this is a TV sitcom but this is not what I wanted for their first date. It was really anti-climactic. What I really want is to know what they wrote on the paper Russell took.

New Girl airs Tuesday 9/8c on Fox