SUBURGATORY Recap: How to Be a Baby

If Loving You is Wrong…: So Noah is sure he is in love with Carmen. George doubts this is for real and takes Noah to see a shrink.
Things Noah sees in the ink blots at the psych office:
Carmen
Carmen wrestling a snake
Carmen as a butterfly making love to a dragons face
Al Jarreau…wait wait wait…Al Jarreau straddling Carmen
The shrink thinks Noah is just obsessed with the idea of Carmen, this is really just a midlife crisis and it will pass. He suggests George help Noah find a new hobby, or a new food – anything to take his mind off of Carmen.
First stop trying baklava which is both new and fun apparently. Noah says he loves it almost as much as he loves Carmen. He won’t stop talking about how great Carmen is. We get some crazy dream like flashes of Carmen in a long flowy white gown in the woods beckoning for Noah. Yeah, he’s lost it. George says he has to snap out of this. It’s just a fantasy.
Later George is filling Dallas in on the Noah situation when Carmen enters the room. She heard Noah’s name and wants George to give Noah a cloth of hers. She pulls it out of her cleavage and hands it to George who looks rather uncomfortable.
Next outing is George and Noah tapping for maple syrup in the woods. Noah says if Carmen felt the same way as he does she would have reached out with something, some gesture. George doesn’t say anything even though we know he has the cloth Carmen gave him to give to Noah.
George meets up up with Noah at the club to tell Noah the reason he has been on Jill’s side this whole episode is because he remembers what it felt like to be left and all this talk is bringing it up. George apologizes for not being a good friend. Noah again says its fine, if it was meant to be Carmen would have reached out. George reaches into his pocket and pulls out the cloth Carmen gave him. Noah knew it…Carmen does care. He stands up and shouts, “I AM LEAVING MY WIFE! FOR CARMEN!”
Would you look at that they are at the book signing for Jill’s book so she and everyone else there heard that declaration. Noah runs out of the club to find Carmen. He burst into Dallas’s house calling for Carmen. He breaks the door down to the bathroom startling Carmen who bumps the shower handle causing a downpour of water to cascade over her. Noah wades right into the water with her.
We are treated to a fun little Notebook parody. Carmen asks why Noah never contacted her; she waited every day to hear from him. Noah responds he emailed her every day for 42 days. Turns out she doesn’t check her AOL account. She says it’s over and he says never! He grabs her and kisses her. Carmen pushes him away with a, “What the hell?” and turns off the water. She misses working for him and she only likes him as a boss. He won’t leave though; he won’t give up on them. He is going to stand there and watch her mop.

Nothing Says I’m Over You Like Magenta Tips: Dalia finds Mr. Wolfe packing up his office. He is attempting to get rid of everything that reminds him of Chef Allen and that is everything. Dalia says that won’t be enough, Mr. Wolfe needs a makeover. She takes him to the salon.
Dalia: He needs a new look. One that says you cheated on me you’re a cheater, drop dead you homosexual cheater.
You know what says that? Daring Magenta tips.
Mr. Wolfe loves the magenta tips but now according to Dalia he needs to make Chef Allen feel worse about himself. That seems healthy. They accomplish this by Mr. Wolfe being fed baklava in front of Chef Allen by the hairdresser guy. Poor Chef Allen has a tear run down his cheek.

You’re Out; Now What? : Dallas is dusting her crystals while Tessa is reading an NYU application packet. Tessa is worried that her grades alone won’t be enough; she needs to be more impressive.
Just then Jill walks in, reminding everyone she is a published author and would like to hang up a flier for her book signing. Tessa offers to intern for Jill and Jill accepts. Tessa wanting to intern for Jill leaves Dallas looking hurt.
Over at The Werner’s Jill is showing Tessa around. She also shows Tessa her new book, “How To Be A Baby: You’re Out, Now What?”
Jill: The more I studied the baby the more I realized he has no idea what he’s doing. Babies are born with their heads up their diapers. They have no idea how to be a baby.
Tessa is suitably shocked by how ridiculous she is. Tessa’s job mainly consists of counting out the 6 almonds Jill is allowed to eat in a day. No more, no less, no matter what. Jill is crazy. Seriously out there. I don’t blame Noah for liking Carmen.
Jill commissions Tessa to write a review of her book with Opus. That’s right, her baby.
Tessa needs to ask Opus what he thought of Jill’s book and transcribe his baby babbling into a review that Tessa will post on Amazon.
Tessa is at home writing the review and it isn’t a good review. Tessa tells George Jill is a vapid narcissistic monster.
At the book signing after Noah’s outburst Jill seems pretty upset…she can’t understand how this could have happened. When Tessa tries to comfort her though she isn’t talking about Noah, she is upset about the book review Tessa posted.
Tessa can’t believe it and looks up to see Dallas. Tessa asks Dallas for her job back saying she can learn about being a good person from Dallas and that is what counts.

Suburgatory airs Wednesday 9:30/8:30c on ABC