DON’T TRUST THE B– Recap: A Weekend in the Hamptons; Paris; The Scarlet Neighbor

This are all very late, and for that I’ll apologize first and foremost. Nothing like a dying DVR before the New Year and a very busy week with events in LA. But here we are, back with recaps of Don’t Trust the B–. In the interest of saving reading, they’ll be recapped weekly now, so expect them Wednesdays from here on out.

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A Weekend in the Hamptons

Chloe is still one women I would never want to meet in real life, if she pulls a stunt like that with the emergency to get June out of the house and into the Hamptons.

June, your idea of the Hamptons is something that scares me. That’s like a walking J. Crew ad, not real life.

Self-conscious James…not something I’d ever see. Poor guy.

Weekend bender: so not happening with June in the car after milking a goat and another stop at the fruit stand. I also think with James in his DWTS-PTSD will be horrible.

Katerina has twins now. There goes the party weekend. Katerina had a little too much fun at least year’s party, but clearly needs some time around someone who can talk.

Mark’s girlfriend Jennifer sounds like a crazy woman if she thinks that Mom and Pop stores get dust on the food. But that meeting while June gets stuff for bird-watching means that June meets Williby, though he seems to be self-conscious about all things hipster.

James, in his aimless amble runs into Mark’s girlfriend’s parents’ house. Mark got dumped by Jennifer, and now James has said he and Mark should be on a bender together.

At the party, June brings a pie as a hostess gift and then runs into Williby upstairs away from everyone else. But Williby turns around and tells the party that he’s Williby, much to Chloe’s dismay. She knows him as Bernard, her husband. (There’s a story there and maybe we’ll hear it. Maybe.)

The story to Williby is that he and Chloe met at a Wedding Party in 2005. But Williby wants to hide into the trappings of consumers by being Williby, when he had been a fat kid who wore a shirt when he swam.

Mark and James, playing drunk basketball, come to some good realizations, mostly involving James coming to the party to show off his skills for everyone.

Chloe’s all sad about thinking the last thing she had left to explore in the world is something she had in 2005, but Mark and James have a dance moment before Chloe disappears into her own personal bender. There’s something awkward about hearing that Chloe has sex with Lenny Kravitz every year for five years.

June gets the job interview that she was waiting for. Mark, in his drunken state, confesses that he wants to kiss June.

June got the job in New York and comes back with scones from Mods to celebrate. Of course Chloe has to ruin that with Kahlua and Cream made with breastmilk. What a way to creep everyone else out.

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Paris

June has a new plan to cut her morning routine down to half an hour. Currently, she’s at thirty-six minutes and Eli is no help. But Chloe, as always, is there to change the focus–talking about a Quinceanera for the woman’s daughter who doesn’t clear their apartment.

At her new office, June has a friend, Fox, who has seamonkeys and shares vitally important information. After work, Chloe points out that Fox is a nemesis, and that Fox has been studying June for weakness.

Drinks with colleagues turns awkward the next day. June said something about Allen after he left, and Fox finally says that she is going to be June’s nemesis. Fox has one scary sneeze and a wig to go with it (why she needs that, I don’t even know right now).

June’s plan for dealing with Fox is to kill her with kindness. I don’t think that it’ll work, but that’s just me.

Mark and James working on Mark’s feelings for June is interesting, if only because James’s overreaction is priceless.

Fox has really done everything to ruin June’s office experience, and even went so far as to order June hundreds (if not thousands) of headbands. June (with Chloe’s help) has a plan to hurt June, but that even backfires.

Chloe, I really hope your plan with Fox is going to work. But drinks with Fox leads to a friendship between she and Chloe. Where’s June’s mental freak-out with that bomb? June still hasn’t freaked out, even though Chloe wants to date Fox’s cousin being the drummer from Blink-182.

Eli gives good advice, reminding June to focus on the work and not the other stuff at work.

In the continuing saga of Fox and Chloe being BFFs, June is focusing on work, and that turns out poorly. June stabs Fox in the back (literally), and now Fox sounds like she’s gotten to her roots.

Chloe has Yolanda clean the apartment, and Chloe also discovered that Fox’s cousin is not in Blink-182 but Candlebox.

June comes back into Beans to see Mark, and things settle back between them. But Mark has to share the story about James and his old acting coach from his youth. That’s a bad realization in your 30s, if I have to say something.

James seems okay with that discovery, however, at least if we trust the moment of silence.

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The Scarlet Neighbor

June wants to be a friendly neighbor and makes cookies for the tenant meeting, but Chloe ruins all of that by announcing that she’s a registered sex offender.

(Random aside, I think this episode should have aired before “Paris” because why is June still at the coffee shop.)

June’s reputation in the building is now tainted by Chloe’s reputation (which is really impressive–that group of clowns was inspired). June takes Chloe to the cougar bar, Saddle Bags, to show Chloe the error of her ways. Will it work? Only time will tell.

Seems that the building is still looking to avoid Chloe and June, but the Farmer’s Market isn’t to Chloe’s tastes at all.

Mark keeps trying to be available after breaking-up with his old girlfriend, just as James wants Chloe as her wingman.

Chloe has one crazy dream and figures that she should start dating Mark thanks to a sex dream. Chloe wants to sleep with Mark right away now, which will only lead to interesting things (meaning a disaster).

Luther, you really are the worst wingman I’ve ever seen.

Mark, you’re not ready for Chloe wanting to seduce you. I’m pretty sure Brunch with Mark later will end in some horrible thing. It gets so bad when James brings Anthony from the apartment to brunch.

The whole meal is really awkward. James is pushing Anthony and not losing out to June. Chloe, in Mark’s bed, realizes that he likes June, and Chloe wants out of that relationship.

James does suggest that June shouldn’t want to Chloe. That’s before Chloe sleeps with one or Mark’s friends. Of course, brunch collapses altogether when Mark gets back together with Jennifer. That’s going to end well, I can already tell.

Luther, what is with your wingman skills? Don’t tell a girl she needs work before dating James.E