NEW GIRL Recap: Eggs

Jess is having a little dinner party for her friends Melissa and Sadie to celebrate their 5 years together. They are having a nice little talk about loving boobs when Schmidt can be heard from his bedroom. He is “entertaining” his boss in there and he is narrating the goings on. Nick can’t believe Schmidt has been involved in foreplay for 20 minutes. The girls can’t believe he is serious. This might partly explain why Nick is single.
In an attempt to talk over Schmidt’s narration Sadie announces she is pregnant. She is glad too, got it in just under the wire. She is 30. Jess starts to freak out and it gets better, there is a test you can take to see how many child bearing years you have left. Jess wants to take the test immediately. Nick is very uncomfortable and when Winston shows up to head to work (he works nights now) Nick begs him to take him with.

In the bedroom Schmidt is watching his boss get dressed. He is talking about how great it was and she says it was “fine”. She wasn’t even close to finishing and was a little bored.
Schmidt: World shattered. The world I once lived in…shattered.

At work Nick is watching Winston do his thing. Nick feels inspired. So inspired that he is going to go home and write his zombie novel, finally. Winston doesn’t seem convinced, he gets the impression sometimes that Nick doesn’t want to write. Nick insists he is going to write it and Winston can be the first to read it.

Back at the loft Sadie and Melissa are leaving when Schmidt comes out of his bedroom. He wants to ask Sadie some questions.
The conversation doesn’t get two sentences in before both Schmidt and Sadie have to contribute to the douche bag jar.
Schmidt: You are a gynecologist and a lesbian which makes you well, a vaginus.
Jess: JAR!
Sadie: I know my way around a Grizzly Adams.
Jess: You too? JAR!

Schmidt wants to ask her questions. Sadie says if he makes an appointment and pays the copay he can ask her whatever he wants at her office during business hours.

The next day Jess has talked Cece into going to see Sadie so they can take the test to see how many more years they have left to have kids.
Reasons Jess might not have any viable eggs left:
Once at a senior graduation party I sat in a very hot Jacuzzi for 12 hours
Between the years of 1998 and 2005 I used a lot of self-tanner, like a lot
I once fell on a pommel horse.

Sadie takes her by the arm and walks her out of the office, she will call her when she has the results.

At the loft Nick is trying to write, he is mainly just procrastinating though. Jess is there and she is throwing out Nick’s ketchup collection, which is as good a distraction as any to get up and stop pretending to write. According to a fertility website she needs to get rid of anything with toxins. This included throwing the microwave in the trash.
I occasionally have a hard time believing this woman was a teacher of our youth last season.
Their yelling brings Schmidt out of his room. He has tried everything with his boss and she just isn’t satisfied. We see Schmidt trying some things, and despite the fact that he is wearing goggles, a very Seth Green from Can’t Hardly Wait look, his boss is taking the time to Shazam a song. She clearly isn’t into it.
Jess has no time for his problems, her uterus is empty.
Jess: It is the Grapes of Wrath in there. It is 1930’s Dust Bowl in there Schmidt.

Nick thinks his problem is more important and they start the ever productive yelling when Winston shows up. He is on an adjusted schedule and he really wants them to keep it down. He really must sleep during the day.
Of course Nick does say the right thing because while it might take him awhile to get there he always does eventually. However Nick telling her she will find someone and it will all work out isn’t the end of this talk. Schmidt takes this moment to offer up his sperm, well according to him they are tadpoles of the Gods, not sperm. She can have them all if she wants because that is how much he loves her.
Winston wants Schmidt to hold on a moment, it should be him. With Jess’s big beautiful blue eyes and his Blair Underwood like skin they would have the most beautiful baby the world has ever seen.
She wants to make it clear she hasn’t asked any of them to knock her up. Nick says good because even though he would love that baby it shouldn’t be him.
Well now there is a conversation that has gotten out of control and it is fantastic. I love this show.

Nick brings this conversation back around to himself. He needs to write and he thinks the problem is he has been living too casually, he needs to experience some life, some adventures…much like Hemingway. Last week we were comparing his novel to Twilight and this week the man thinks he is Hemingway. Quite a leap there.
Things Nick needs to do to experience how Hemingway lived:
Run with the bulls
Kill a man with his bare hands after making sweet love to him and sleep in the warm belly of his horse
Eat his way out of a sandwich shop

He doesn’t know too much about Hemingway but he sure has some interesting ideas about what writers do for inspiration.

Later that day Schmidt is at Sadie’s office to discuss female pleasure. She pulls out a picture and they discuss ways to get things done. Schmidt is move for move with her, he even has some of the moves named. In fact Schmidt explaining what he likes to do actually turns Sadie on. Seeing as Sadie is a lesbian and I have to believe guys like Schmidt are the reason some women think being with girls is a better option than being with boys that is pretty amazing.
Of course Schmidt’s moves are named things like: Loosing Nemo, Shaking the Neighbors Hand, The Sharing Circle, Arrive at the bridge and answer the trolls riddles three.
Based on Sadie’s facial expression whatever he is describing/pointing out should work.
Sadie: It’s the baby hormones. They are not as gay as me.
She tells him in her professional opinion he is a vaginus.

Later at Sadie’s office Cece and Jess are finding out their test results. Sadie tells Jess she has off the chart readings. She has an abundance of eggs. She doesn’t have much time to be happy though because Cece’s results are not as good.
Turns out if Cece wants kids she has to start right now. It’s odd how you never want something until you can’t have it. Jess is sorry she made Cece take the test. She says just for the day they will not worry about any of this.

Schmidt is in bed again with his boss. Schmidt is covered in feathers and I’m not even sure what else but all he can get out of her is an “eh”. He says he is good at this so what is going on. She says it is them, they just don’t work, she has to feel something. Schmidt of course says he doesn’t understand that, he brings up how great sex was with Cece and how connected they were and his boss says that was love. Schmidt is less than enthused to hear that.

At the zoo Cece and Jess meet up with a drunk Nick (he is there for inspiration) and a very sleepy Winston. Nick wants to go look at the snakes and Winston accuses him of procrastinating and not being a finisher.
Winston: That’s why you didn’t finish law school and the same reason why you are only three episodes into Downton Abbey.
Woo Hoo a Downton Abbey reference!

At the loft later Nick takes Winston’s comments to heart and finishes his novel. He is impatiently sitting on his bed waiting for Winston to read it when Jess comes in. He jokes that he knew she would pick him to get her pregnant, before I can revel in their little moment Schmidt comes in and announces he thinks he was in love with Cece. Jess and Nick seem less than shocked. Poor Schmidt .
Winston joins them. The novel is the worst thing he has ever read…ever. Rhythm was misspelled 38 times but at least Nick finished something.
We are left with Winston reading the novel out loud to us. If I haven’t used the word glorious to describe this episode yet I would like to use it right now…Glorious!

“No one in the sleeping mountain town of Rythem (or rhythm if you can spell) City knew what the meteor meant, but the one thing Mike Jr. did have was a whole lot of rytems (again rhythms)
‘Whoa, what bit me in the face?’ Mike Jr. said to his dad Mike Sr. who sucks. Mike Sr. sucks a whole bunch, much more than his neighbor Rallo. Zombie zoo, zombie zoo, zombie zoo, zombie zoo, who let them zombies out that damn zombie zoo. Watch your back Laura!”

New Girl airs Tuesday 9/8c on Fox