SUBURGATORY Recap: The Witch of East Chatswin

It’s Halloween in Chatswin and it. is. glorious. Glorious I say! I’m talking glitter dusted pumpkins and stripper heels people.

The blondes are trying to come up with slutty costumes to wear, slutty skunk and slutty firefighter are possible contenders.

Dallas thinks being a Barbie would be a good idea for a costume and she wants none other than George to be her Ken. If anyone can pull off being Barbie it’s Dallas. He turns her down saying he’s “not her guy”. He means just to be Ken and doesn’t seem to get she was asking him out.

In the school library Tessa is lamenting to Lisa about the girls always picking the slutty costumes when someone pushes a book towards her, this is the same secret person who was staring at her from the bathroom stall earlier. Not sure who it is but it’s kinda creepy.

George is at home trying to decide what to be for Halloween, he does his best Seinfeld impression…it’s not good. The doorbell rings and it is Noah, dressed as George, apparently that is what he is going to be for Halloween.
Noah: Your voice is like Kathleen Turner after drinking a milkshake.

Over at the Shay’s Lisa and Tessa are studying when the book from the library falls out of Tessa bag. She is really starting to worry about this stalker person. The book has Celtic Runes on the cover, something Lisa thinks she can decipher thanks to a Lord of the Dance phase she went through Freshman year. She seems quite serious and for some reason that makes me laugh, a lot.
Sheila sees the book and freaks out, the book belongs to the Witch of East Chatswin, or she that shall not be named. Sheila went to Middle School with the Witch, a girl who took shop and opened her own pudding cups. Her own pudding cups? GASP!

Lisa is in the bathroom stall she studies in, that bathroom stall is bigger than my living room, when she hears something. She comes out of the stall to see, “Tessa join me” written in ketchup on the mirror. She goes home to tell Lisa who thinks Tessa has been marked for human sacrifice. I think she may have overreacted but what do I know.

George has decided to be Noah for Halloween, it includes a lot of shaving and dancing and ultimately crying.

Fred and Sheila are dressed up like the old farmers in that famous painting, that is probably called Farmers or something simple like that but I’m drawing a blank. They are chaperoning the kid’s party. I can’t tell if they are actually chaperones or just feel it is their duty to curtail any fun.

Lisa and her boyfriend are dress up and Fred and Velma, I was going to tell you what show Fred and Velma were on but if I have to do that you are too young to be watching Suburgatory.
Our pretty Ryan Shay has also dressed up as Fred. The gang has a more pressing issue though, Daphne is missing. Tessa is dressed as a very convincing Daphne has ventured to The Witch of East Chatswin’s house. The Witch is played by Rachel Dratch which is a nice mini SNL reunion. Tessa freaks out when she sees her in a black cape over a caldron and takes off.

At the Country Club party George is there dressed as Noah and Noah is there as George. It’s pretty fantastic.

Tessa is back at school where Paula (The Witch) catches up with her. Tessa confronts Paula about following her, turns out Paula just wanted her to read the book she wrote on female empowerment. Of course the Chatswin School Board banned it years ago.
Before they can do much more bonding Sheila and her angry mob storm down the hall towards them. They even have battery powered torches.

Over at The Country Club Dallas and Dalia make an entrance to the song Barbie Girl by Aqua. Dalia sees George at the bar and tells him he looks better than he usually does.
Then Dalia does something so un-Dalia like, she tells someone something they didn’t know.
Dalia: She wasn’t asking you to dress up as Ken. She was asking you to be her Ken

George is a little taken aback and when he sees Dallas he tells her he didn’t realize what she was asking. They have been flirty friends for so long he didn’t know dating was on the table. She assures him it is on the table so he asks Dallas out and she accepts. Yay!

Back at school the angry mob is confronting Paula. Well mainly Sheila is mad because of the pudding cup incident in Middle School, she sure doesn’t hold a grudge, does she?
They do a slow angry walk towards her and Tessa turns the lights off so Paula can escape before the counselor could bludgeon her with the fire extinguisher.
Counselor: I’ve never been on this side of a hate mob before it’s exhilarating.

The Altman’s are eating breakfast the next day when Noah shows up, He wants to know if George wants the flannels he bought for the part. He thinks he may have gotten carried away.

And that is Halloween in Chatswin. It was quite magical.

Suburgatory airs Thursday 9:30/8:30c on ABC