DON’T TRUST THE B–: “A Reunion….”

Welcome to another season of the Bitch and June!

Photo: Kelsey McNeal/ABC

Last week I was at an event honoring the show and Happy Endings, but after castmembers of both shows ended up offending numerous groups of people, I figured there’s no way to share it. It was a moment to be lived.

Much like what I imagine June feels like every day. Especially this day as it appears June, Chloe and Luther are all part of some sort of funeral pyre in the middle of a lake in a public park. James van der Beek’s funeral. Just say it ain’t so! I don’t want James to be dead.

Good thing that we’re starting at the end of the story and going backwards. Chloe is still as insulting as ever (this week June’s sweaters). James arrives with a letter from his other three Dawson’s costars saying that they want a reunion. James refuses, and Chloe and James sit front row at a fashion show (turning away someone who looks like Anna Wintour in the process).

Photo: Kelsey McNeal/ABC

June, clearly upset at James’ refusal, is taking it out on the muffin crumbs. June wants the reunion to bring her (and her friends from Indiana) some joy in her life since nothing has turned out her way so far. To that end, June puts together a wonderful slideshow to convince James of the merits of bringing the gang from Capeside back. I do love that June’s attempt to getting the reunion off the ground features James’ face pasted over a scene from The Lion King. At that, James is game. But Chloe’s been behind the stunt every year, reasoning that on the day that James feels the most power, Chloe gets what she wants from him.

Truly scary revelation from Chloe’s conversation on why the reunion is a horrible idea: Chloe loves tranquilizer guns.

Watching as James tries to rationalize what order to call his other cast members in shouldn’t be as amusing as it is. I’m fairly certain that there isn’t any love lost between Josh and James, but that’s just me. June starts in on how subtle Chloe is about her issues and then she walks in with that tranq gun and shoots June and Luther (in the booty!). Chloe, after taking out June and Luther, forces James to watch old reunion episodes (Trudy with a beret is truly an awful idea). James and June both take a walk through the neighborhood while making their own voiceovers about the merits of the reunions, where they find each other and explain their plan for how great this reunion would be.

June, high from James’ news, calls her friends to tell them the great news. Only now her friends are all doing amazing things (one is an under Secretary of Commerce, another a mother of three and the last a theoretical physics teachers), while June’s still stuck wanting to see what happened to the gang from Capeside. (As a side note, why didn’t James remember that Jenn died in the finale? Including Michelle Williams seems like really bad taste, unless you flashback to before she dies.) June has to explain her life to these friends, which is all the more depressing for her I think.

Photo: Kelsey McNeal/ABC

James is excited that the reunion is going to happen, but after a call to his agent confirms that no one is really going to commit to the reunion as they all hate James. The only member of the show that will speak to him is Busy Phillips, who hides herself before coming to a diner. She’s worried about her reputation with the rest of the cast. Turns out, James convinced the cast to buy boats for the crew and then didn’t pay for them at the end. Busy says that there’s no way to mend that fence.

Equally depressed by their respective news, James and June both realize that their lives were better ten years ago. Chloe convinces both of them to not look back on their lives, and that they each need to move on. James’ idea for moving on involves harassing poor Frankie Muniz in the grocery store. (PS I love that James is on Grinder.) James’ pitch sounds really desperate, and to save us all from that, Chloe tranqs James.

James wakes up from his tranq shot to see Mark-Paul Gosselaar, per Chloe’s request, to save James from the past. Mark-Paul has a book all about finding the now after being found relatively early. June finds that she’s really into the idea of Zack Morris talking to Dawson Leery (I am too June. I am too!), just as Chloe is. Chloe finally settles on telling June of how much the future is still waiting for June.

Mark-Paul suggests that James gets rid of the past, and so we’re back to where we started with the funeral pyre. James will still give Chloe her Godfather day as the boat explodes behind Chloe, James, June and Luther.