NEW GIRL Recap: Katie

We are lucky enough to have two New Girl episodes tonight. Squwee!

The boys are watching Jess cook. Schmidt says it only took a year but she is finally cooking and cleaning. He seems pretty happy with the whole thing until she calls a frittata an egg pocket.
Schmidt: Are you cooking a frittata in a sauce pan? What is this prison?

That isn’t even the worst of her being unemployed, she has painted and hung up a picture of the three boys in what I can only describe as a very 90’s JC Penny’s photo studio pose. The boys are not impressed.
Nick is appointed to have a word with Jess. He tells her to take a break, this is the first time she doesn’t have to do anything or be anywhere
Nick: You can go off the grid, you can be an outlaw.

Jess takes this in a way that only Jess can. She goes to Nicks bar to drink wine at 11:00AM while repeating and repeating often that she is off the grid.
I’ve never been completely off the grid but I’m pretty sure that’s not how it’s done.
Nick doesn’t think that is how this is supposed to work either.

Winston’s sister shows up at the apartment and Schmidt does his weird hitting on her but insulting her at the same time.
Schmidt: Very impressive, pro ball. Woman’s pro but still.

Meanwhile Jess has started conversations with the other people drinking at the bar at 11:00AM. One is named Nick and she is unreasonably excited about it. The other is a guy who is delivering a keg. He was laid off too. Jess suddenly knows what she is going to do with all her free time…the keg delivery guy. Not his odd friend Bear Claw though, just the keg delivery guy.

Schmidt continues on with his brand of saying completely inappropriate things by telling Winston how hot his sister is.
Schmidt: I’m going to dribble up the court. Boom (hip thrust) technical foul. Boom (hip thrust) illegal use of the hands.
Winston is not so amused, partly because it is his sister and partly because his Mother (Anna Maria Horsford) is standing there watching Schmidt. She is really not amused.

That night, still at the bar, Jess has really taken to the drinking. She is approached by a guy who thinks she is his blind date, set up through a dating site. It’s David Walton from the completely underappreciated show Bent. Jess doesn’t correct his assumption and who would. He’s hot.
Be prepared for me to continue on about how hot I think he is throughout this recap.

Also going on at the bar, Old Nick played by Raymond J. Berry is trying to convince Nick he is future Nick.
Old Nick: Well I know you didn’t shower this morning.
Nick: Well good guess it’s a Wednesday.

I learn so many things from TV, like showering on Wednesday’s is apparently not necessary. Noted.
Old Nick is pretty persistent, laying down some more “knowledge” on current Nick before leaving. Nick is a little freaked out.

Despite drinking all day Jess is really working her fake online date. She makes it to first base in no time at all, and good for her, something about David Walton makes my heart go pitter patter.
I’m oddly happy that I have gotten to use the words speakeasy and pitter patter in just two recaps.

Nick is talking to Schmidt the next day about time travel. He confides that he thinks he may have met his future self.
Nick: If I find out how you die do you want me to tell you?
Schmidt: I already know, it’s one of these moles.
This escalates into Nick trying to be serious while Schmidt just wanting to know when he is going to meet Kanye. Schmidt knows it is going to happen.

Jess interrupts this conversation to talk to the guys.
Jess: I had the best sex of my life last night. He brewed me like a fine chamomile.

I’m not sure I’ve ever heard sex equated to brewing tea but like I said, learn something new from TV every day.
What happens next is one of the many reasons I love this show. Of course the boys help Jess cover her deception. They call her Katie when Sam comes out of her room and make a reference about all going to dance rehearsal. These are the only two things Jess managed to get from her conversations with Sam about the real Katie. Schmidt in an effort to both help Jess and embarrass Nick says Nick is quite the leaper. Jess agrees they call him Cricket the Leaper. Sam would love to see the leaping and Jess starts to clap.
I guess you need a beat to do some serious leaping.
Jess: You’re really getting a show here because he doesn’t normally do this for a private audience.

The leaping Nick does is like the beginning stance of the Karate Kid pose along with a small but effective jump. Sam just stares because really what else can you do.
Sam says he has to leave so in front of the boys Jess jumps up, wraps her legs around Sam’s waist and kisses him with serious enthusiasm.
Something I’m willing to bet would happen to David Walton every time he left a room if he wasn’t married.
Nick looks uncomfortable but Schmidt laughs.
For the last two scenes it has looked like Max Greenfield is actually laughing. I personally find it hilarious when actor’s best takes are ones where they can just barely cover the real laughter.
After he leaves Jess says she really likes being Katie, she might just stay Katie.
Schmidt: Maybe you should watch a cautionary tale that I like to call The Nutty Professor.

This is when the guy who delivered the keg to the bar texts her to hang out. She forgot all about him. She’s never had two guys into her.
Schmidt takes this opportunity to explain to her that there comes a time in a person’s life when they become irresistible to the opposite sex. For him it was the third night of Hanukah 1996. He likes to call it the Night of the Shoshanna’s. For Nick it is every time he jet skis.
Reasons Nick and Schmidt give as to why Jess can’t juggle two men:
She wears a cardigan on top of another cardigan.
We all know she isn’t the best with doorknobs.
She can barely hold one thing in each hand.
She tripped the other day just standing there.

Let’s just leave that at that and switch to Winston who is having dinner with his Mother and his sister. The restaurant is very fancy and Winston’s Mom says that is okay the team is paying. If anyone asks Winston is the ball boy. He doesn’t look so happy about that. He is about to get less happy as Schmidt shows up and starts hitting on his sister.
Winston’s Mom: If he touches your sister I’m going to stop paying your cell phone bill.

Cece is over at the loft with Jess. Jess is going over the dirty texts she and Andy (Keg guy) have been sending each other.
Andy: Can’t stop thinking about what you are going to wear tonight.
Jess: Or not wear because sex happens naked.

Cece thinks she should take the phone away from Jess. And she really should have because the guy who rings the doorbell isn’t Andy the Keg Guy it is Bear Claw his slightly special creepy friend. Played brilliantly by Josh Gad.
Care to know why they call him Bear Claw? It’s because in Middle School he tattooed a tramp stamp of what I assume is a bear claw on himself. Jess is as confounded as I am.
She is spared any further details by a phone call from Nic. She yells at him for giving the wrong guy her number.
Jess: He just told me a 10 minute joke about squirrels where the punch line was “Eat These Nuts”.
Nick thinks that is very funny.

Jess wants to tell Bear Claw this was a mistake but of course he goes first and says this is the best thing that ever happened to him. She can’t bring herself to tell him she didn’t want to see him so like any girl does she goes with the old standby.
Jess: I feel sick…in my face.

Schmidt is still at dinner with Winston’s family and Winston’s sisters basketball team. She tells Schmidt she only going out with guys that play basketball. He wants to play her for the drink.
Schmidt: I win you have a drink with me. You win I take you to brunch.

Nick and Old Nick are at the bar talking. Nick’s first question…Do I finish my zombie book? Old Nick’s most important advice, tell Jess he is sorry. Nick wants to know what he did but Old Nick just keeps saying tell her you are sorry.

Jess bursts into the bar, she received a text from Sam to meet him in the bathroom there. So next thing you know “Katie” and Sam are getting it on in one of the grungier looking bathroom stalls I’ve seen. I’m doubting I’d be paying attention to the grimy walls if I was really in that situation but I’m trying to distract myself from how much I adore David Walton.
My thoughts are interrupted by Andy and Bear Claw entering the bathroom. Bear Claw is telling Andy how he thinks he found his Mamma Bear while Andy is saying he thought he and Jess had a connection, like this is the kind of girl he could marry.
Jess hearing this says, “Oh God.” Bear Claw hears her.
Bear Claw: Is there a woman in that bathroom being harmed?
Sam: Nope
Bear Claw: I don’t buy it. I’ve been trained for this.

His training is doing a jumping kick at the stall door. I’m temporarily distracted by his plumbers crack and not in a good way.
Bear Claw is very confused. He surmises Sam must be a doctor and that is why Jess’s shirt is off. To make matters even more awkward Nick enters the bathroom to see what is going on.
Bear Claw drops to the knees to ask God why this is happening!

There is a lot of confusion going on. Jess’s reasoning, well Sam is hot (which was my reasoning earlier even though it’s a little shallow) and she is off the grid. Nick is trying to smooth this all over but it’s not really working.

Because there aren’t enough things going on Old Nick comes into the bathroom to tell Nick it is time and he has to leave.
Nick follows him out into the alley because he has so many more questions.
Old Nick gets into a cardboard box and proceeds to say, “Beep” and “Boop”. Nick shakes his head, he actually believed him.

The next morning, Nick does take Old Nick’s advice. He makes Jess an Old Fashion, a drink she has actually always wanted to try and apologizes for something he may do in the future that will upset her. She wants to know what he is going to do to her and Nick says he doesn’t know.
Nick: I don’t know but it could be bad. Like me getting drunk and peeing in your closet on all your pretty dresses.
She preemptively forgives him without so much as a pause.

There is a knock on the door, it’s Sam. He wants to tell her that he doesn’t care that she lied. In fact he lied too, most of his profile was a lie. He doesn’t want a destination wedding in Scotland and he doesn’t open up the longer you know him. He does like Creed though. Jess admits she doesn’t like Creed and you know what…Sam doesn’t care what she likes or what her name is or anything about her. The good news…she doesn’t have to care about him either. He’s basically in it for the sex. Somehow, and I’m still not sure how, it comes off as more charming then smarmy. His confession ends with Jess thinking he has a good point and her jumping into his arms…again. Go Jess!

This episode concludes with Winston’s sister and Schmidt on the basketball court. In slow motion Schmidt twirls a ball on his finger, until it slips off and hits him in the head and other such nonsense. This is all playing over Public Enemy’s “He Got Game”.

New Girl airs Tuesday 9/8c on Fox