NEW GIRL Recap: Backsliding

Jess is dealing with her breakup from Russell and instead of watching Dirty Dancing a thousand times she has chosen Joni Mitchell’s “River” to play on constant rotation.
The boys all check on her. Schmidt brings her tea and gives her a Schmidt pep talk.
Schmidt: Know this, you’re not the only one that’s hurting here, Jessica Day. The economy stinks, bees are dying, movies are pretty much all sequels now, and I…
Jess: Don’t say broken penis.
Schmidt: …have a broken penis. Don’t pretend you know my pain!

Later Winston comes in to see how she is doing and find out what song she is listening to. She wonders if he likes it.
Winston: I liked it when you played it for the first time at 10 o’clock last night. I liked it a little bit less at 2 a.m., and now I’m kind of hoping that the sun comes up, thaws that river, and that woman drowns.

Who knows how much later Jess is still listening to the song although this time she is sitting with Cece in her closet. Jess is lamenting how perfect Russell was. She wonders what is wrong with her. Is she a Cylon?
*Yay a Battlestar Galactica reference!*
Cece suggests they need to get her out of the apartment and away from that sad song. She isn’t ready until Nick and Caroline come in and do a dance routine they invented to cheer her up. What ensues is a lot of hip thrusting, gyrating and clapping. Something I’m embarrassed to say I watched twice though my fingers like it was a horror movie.

It worked though because when we come back from commercial Jess is at the bar drinking with Winston and Schmidt.
Schmidt is worried that she is going to backslide and in order to prevent that he takes her phone so there will be no drunken calls to Russell. Schmidt, “Backsliding is after a clean break when you go crawling back and make everything messy and horrible.” Winston tries to comment on all of this but Schmidt tells him his life is too perfect to be giving anyone in Jess’s condition advice.
He is right of course because Winston keeps letting them all know he is in the prime of his life.

Caroline shows up at the bar. It is apparent Schmidt, Jess and Winston don’t like her. Not that I blame them. Winston wonders if they should show Nick the DVD. Schmidt tells Jess that Nick made a DVD after his last breakup with Caroline to be played in the event that he ever wanted to get back with her. It is hidden in the loft.
Cece gets to the bar dressed as a “woman’s study major”, which consists of baggy sweats and s knit cap. It’s a precautionary measure until Schmidt’s penis heals.

Jess is watching Nick bartended. She tells him she learned a new word from Schmidt…backsliding. Nick wants to know if she thinks he is backsliding.
Nick tells Jess that sure Caroline mentally physically and emotionally abused him for years but she has changed. It’s all about timing.
Nick: “Caroline is way hotter than that voice in my head that sounds like Tom Waits and tells me I’m a failure and that I look bad in hats.”

Taking advantage of Schmidt being distracted by Cece Jess gets her phone and makes a call.
Next thing we see is wakes up with Justin Long aka Paul Gunslinger wrapped around her.
She does the walk of shame past Schmidt and Winston in the living room.
Schmidt and Winston can’t let this opportunity pass though and call Paul, “Mercedes Genz, Genzel Washington, and It’s the Genz of the World As We Know It.”
Jess gives Paul the most awkward hug and shows him the door.
Winston calls Jess a backslider and Schmidt says Paul was an ugly crier. It was like watching a slow motion sneeze.

Jess sees Paul in his classroom later. She wants to talk to him. She was thinking about last night and they have something good. Paul cuts in to tell her he has a girlfriend, a very serious girlfriend. He starts to ugly cry.
Just then Paul’s girlfriend walks in. She is an Asian Jess. Same clothes, hair and glasses. Jess tries to cover what is going on.
Jess: I’m sorry but that is how the electoral college works man.
Paul: It seems so unfair, some votes don’t mean as much.

Back at the loft Jess announces that Paul has a girlfriend and she is just like her. She is an Asian Jess. Jess says she can’t even backslide right and she feels she needs to tell Asian Jess what happened with her and Paul.

So even though this didn’t happen next I’m going to finish off this recap by “couple”.
Paul Jess and Asian Jess
Jess confronts Paul. She isn’t going to let him lie to his girlfriend. He has to tell her. He contends that Asian Jess is his soul mate, he just panicked for a moment. He has even been carrying around an engagement ring for two weeks.
Or course this is when the girlfriend shows up again. Her name is Jenn…of course it is. Paul blurts out that he slept with Jess.
Paul: Jess and I slept together!
Jess: Oh God.
Paul: I want to be completely honest with you. It happened two days ago, and we did lots of stuff. There was talking, and there were hands… and I think we ruined a throw pillow!
Jess: He’s making it sound a lot more erotic than it was.
Jenn starts crying and she is as much an ugly crier as Paul. Jess takes over the conversation and says she is sorry. Jenn and Paul are perfect together and he was just scared. Jess even proposes for Paul who has become so freaked out he can’t talk and barely can move. Jenn accepts and Jess looks happy for them.

Cece Schmidt and Cece’s Grandma
Schmidt can’t be around Cece without hurting his already injured penis. Which is a problem. She says she is going to go visit her grandmother in the retirement home and this gives Schmidt an idea. He says old people freak him out.
Schmidt: They’re like the human version of pleated pants. Like giant walking raisins!
So Schmidt goes with Cece to visit her grandma. Cece’s grandmas is awesome.
Cece’s Grandma: If you hurt her, I will let myself die, and I will haunt you.
The visit goes well. Schmidt even gets grandma’s blessing.
Hearing this Cece pulls Schmidt aside to tell him she wants something real, with him. He starts to groan in pain…serious pain. She can’t believe emotional intimacy is turning him on. He continues to groan and writhe before passing out.

Winston Schmidt and Nick
Nick is in the living room looking at apartments for himself and Caroline. Winston hearing this starts cawcawing and flapping his arms. This “alarm” sends Schmidt running out of his room making a similar noise. Winston holds Nick down while Schmidt gets the Caroline DVD out of hiding and puts it in.
Schmidt holds Nick’s eyes open forcing him to watch the DVD.
On the TV is a Unabomber looking Nick. He says if you are watching this you decided to get back with Caroline.
Couch Nick yells at TV Nick that he doesn’t know him. This goes back and forth until Couch Nick gets up to have words with TV Nick. He basically says they are all wrong about him and Caroline this time and storms out.

Winston’s Earring
Near the beginning of the episode Winston was invited to play poker with his boss Joe. Crazy Joe. The evening ended with Winston getting his ear pierced by Joe. The whole episode Winston wears one ridiculous earring after another.
The earrings and the things the guys said about the earrings deserve its own section…
Schmidt: (about the huge diamond stud) “Take it easy on him, he just came back from Carnaval.”
Schmidt: (about the gold hoop) “I’m going to miss you, Winston. I’m going to miss you when your caravan moves on to the next village.”
Jess: (about the gold hoop) “Take it easy, black George Michael.”
Nick: (about the peacock feather) “How’d the audition go? For the Disney pirate movie?
Nick: (about the peacock feather) “Hey, Mr. T called. He wants to punch you because that earring looks stupid.”
Nick responding to Winston’s claim that Lil Wayne wears a feather: “Oh, Lil Wayne Gonzalez, who came from Brazil and just wants to dance and be free?”
Schmidt: (about the peacock feather) Captain Black Sparrow
Schmidt: (about the peacock feather) “You look like you were caught by a fly fisherman.”

Jess and Nick
And finally Jess gets home after proposing for Paul to find Nick in the bathroom. She tells Nick that he is wrong. All that stuff about timing and just making sense isn’t right. If you really love someone it’s simple. He deserves something amazing. She knows he doesn’t want to be alone and she’ll be there for him.
He tells her he is moving in with Caroline, they signed a lease this morning. He walks out leaving Jess standing almost in tears in the bathroom.
Since that was really pretty sad I’ll leave you with some of the funniest quotes of the night:
Jess: Schmidt, I actually need my phone back. I need to call Russell to just tell him I left my pajamas there.
Schmidt: The fact that you were wearing pajamas in the presence of your lover tells me that that relationship was doomed from the start.

Winston: I got kind of drunk last night with Joe and got my ear pierced. You know, traditionally the male of the species is more glamorous.
Schmidt: When’s it coming out, by the way?
Winston: The earring?
Schmidt: No, no. The smooth jazz album you’re dropping.

Paul: Now I know what Bill Clinton feels like.
Jess: Yeah, well, now I know how Monica Lewinsky feels!
Paul: I’m sorry I made you feel like Monica Lewinsky!

Nick’s parting words to himself via DVD:
Now that I’ve got your attention, Future Nick, there are few things I’d like to talk to you about: Be nicer to your mom when she calls. Stop giving yourself high fives. Put your head under water, you 2-year-old! Be nicer to Coach or he’s going to take off… live with a bunch of other white people. … I know karate! … I’m Nick, I’m grumpy, I’m going to put my baby hood on! Sex is a sprint, not a marathon. (singing) You are special, you are special! (abruptly stops to look around) We’ll see each other in the future.

NEW GIRL airs Tuesday 9/8c on FOX