NEW GIRL Recap: Nick’s a Fancyman too

We open on Jess walking in on a guy urinating in the loft bathroom. Which is fine and I assume something Jess walks in on a lot considering she has all guy roommates and their bathroom is basically a locker room but this guy is doing it with no pants on. She doesn’t really see the necessity in that and goes out to ask the guys who on earth that is in their bathroom.
Its Nick’s college roommate, smartest guy Nick has ever known. What they really want to talk about though is Jess’s first date with Mr. Fancyman. She says it was great except for the awkward part at the end.
Flash to Russell and Jess standing outside the restaurant waiting for the valet. Jess says, “Guys my age always want to go straight for the gold,” and then she continues the ramble with, “which I haven’t given them! I’m stingy with my gold… unless they dig for it.”
The guys all groan but wait that’s not the awkward part…that would be when Russell slowly steps in towards Jess in what might have been the sexiest pre-kiss ever, except he wraps his arms around her in a hug instead and then pats her back.
Jess thought she would at least get a front pat and then does what I can only assume was her Scent of a Woman Al Pacino impression “Hoo Ha!”
Jess backs out of the kitchen and right into the guy from the bathroom, who thankfully has his pants back on. He starts to recite poetry and invites her to his poetry class tomorrow. She quickly declines and comments on his lady scarf.

Winston gets a call from Shelby needing a ride to the airport. He wants to borrow Schmitt’s SUV. Schmitt won’t even acknowledge him until he refers to the SUV as The Manbulance. Schmitt isn’t going to let him borrow it but Winston reverse psychologies Schmitt with a comment about how the manbulance probably couldn’t handle all of Shelby’s luggage anyway. It works.

Enter Cece who is momentarily sidetracked by Nick’s college friend doing suggestive yoga poses in the living room. Dirk, the college friend, hit’s on Cece only to be told she is seeing someone. He does what he is told. Dirk comments that she is definitely the boss and he is the sex-cretary. Schmitt is listening to this with raised eyebrows and by the end does not look happy.

Shelby and Winston are outside Shelby’s house loading up the SUV with all of her luggage. She mentions that she has fifty different penis items in her carry on. In case you were wondering she is on her way to Mexico for a bachelorette party. She says if Winston doesn’t want her to go she won’t go. Winston does the most guy thing he could do and says they could use the space. Shelby in turn does the most girl thing she could do and makes a big deal out of it saying, yep, space, that’s great.

Cece sneaks into Schmitt’s room. Jess is in the shower, everyone else is gone. She just needs 10 solid minutes from him so eat this granola bar. She wants to try something called the hose trough. I’m not even going to pretend to know what kind of sex position that is but the name doesn’t make me want to rush out and try it. He tosses the granola bar and says no, he is doing real work for his real boss. Which happens to be putting the names of the employee’s into the song “We Didn’t Start The Fire”.
She says so what if Dirk says he is a sex-receptionist. Schmitt is having none of this though and says he quits. She makes him tell her boobs aka Harold and Kumar that they can’t go to White Castle anymore and surprisingly, to her and me, Schmitt stands his ground.

Cece leaves Schmitt and finds Jess. Jess wants to talk about her date with Russell. Cece asks if she did her Kermit the Frog imitation and Jess says maybe once or twice, launching into her Kermit voice. Cece says Jess needs to realize that she is as sophisticated as Russell and just ask him out instead of waiting for him to ask her out again. Our sophisticated Jess pulls out a phone with a bunny cover on it. A phone cover with a puffy fluffy tail and ears. Oh so sophisticated.

Nick and Winston are in Dirks poetry lecture. It’s really pretty ridiculous up to and including the harmonica around Dirks neck that he plays a little to end the lecture. Nick however is enthralled. Saying, for what must be at least the fifth time already this episode, “Smartest guy I know.”
Some cute co-eds invite Nick, Dirk and Winston out for some ,”crackers, bubbles, crab and humus.” Dirk accepts in an aloof/superior way causing the girls to giggle and go get ready.
Nick wants to know what happened to Dirks wife. Ponytail explains that his wife was tired of supporting him…financially, while using air quotes in a way that would make Joey from Friends proud.
The one thing missing from his married life? (Winston: scarves?) Nope, undergrad ladies. Women who are Ponytail’s age, “want me to wed them, sire their children, have a bed frame and eat off a plate.”

Winston doesn’t find Dirk as great as Nick and thinks it is time he calls Shelby. He doesn’t really want space. Dirk says space probably means she is going to have sex with guys…because that’s what space means. Winston takes off leaving Nick and Ponytail.
Ponytail: Ready to make love with some college chicks?
Nick: Yes
Ponytail: When is the last time you had mono? Tomorrow you will say yesterday.”

Back at the loft Cece is trying to make things right with Schmitt. She is wearing an 80’s shoulder pad style jacket and dress she got from the gym lost and found. Schmitt wants to know what she is wearing and she says she is supposed to be a sex-cretary. She has never had to seduce anyone before so she isn’t sure what she is doing. Cece is willing to do anything, anywhere to make it up to him.
Schmitt wants to know if she will even do it in “fantasy location #3”. Cece rolls her eyes but agrees.

Jess and Russell are at dinner part two. Jess asks questions about the Beatles asking Russell if he was sad when they broke up. He was only 1 when that happened. Jess leans in and says in what I think was supposed to be a come on, “Well you aren’t one anymore.” To make thinks even more awkward and awful she asks him how is prostate is and explains she had a breast exam last week.
In her stream of awkward she wonders out loud why they didn’t kiss the other night. His phone rings and he immediately says he has to go, leaving money on the table to cover dinner. He stops and comes back, leaning in for a moment before saying he almost forgot. To kiss her? No….to leave her cab fare so she can get home safe.

Winston had rushed home from the poetry lecture to call Shelby. He gets voicemail and leaves a message that is so much worse than Nick’s voicemail messages to Julia. Case in point, “Baby, I don’t want space, okay? I don’t want anyone to have space. I want to be standing right in front of you. I want the air that you breathe to be the air coming directly from out of mouth. I want to just be passing air back and forth between each other until it’s mostly carbon dioxide and then we both pass out and die.” Wow, just wow!
He grabs Schmitt’s spare set of keys and takes off for Mexico so he can see Shelby. Sweep camera over the interior of the SUV to show Cece and Schmitt naked in the very back. Now we know where fantasy location #3 is.

Back at the loft Nick is feeling a little out of place at the party being thrown there for Ponytail. “Is calling a girl shorty still cool?” Ponytail says they just need to find his “panty melter”. Charming.
The girls from earlier in the night come over and the one I will refer to as Blondy is really enamored with Nick once she finds out he is a bartender and can get her drunk professionally.
A little while later Jess walks in to find the party in full swing. Nick is making out with Blondy.
Nick is drunk and rambling about 20 year old girls think he is awesome. He is their Fancyman.
Jess announces that 30 sucks and her heart hurts before grabbing Nick’s beer and careening off.

Winston is still driving towards Shelby. He is belting out the songs from Wicked while Schmitt and Cece are hiding in the back. Schmitt under only a pair of fuzzy dice. Schmitt really wants to tell Winston they are back there but Cece does not. She would have to answer a bunch of questions about them like why is she doing this…why oh why, and she doesn’t want to ruin it. After a very brief sweet look between them Schmitt acts like himself and asks why Cece isn’t cold like he is. “Does your brown skin retain heat?”
Shelby calls Winston. They declare their love for each other, except she is back at his apartment and he is now in Mexico. He throws the car into a U-turn and tells her he is on his way back.
Winston is stopped at the border for an inspection and Cece and Schmitt are exposed by Border Patrol Agents. Winston cannot believe what he is seeing. He can’t believe Cece would be with Schmitt.

Russell shows up at the loft. After watching Jess fall off a guy’s shoulders he finds Jess hiding in a closet so she doesn’t have to confront him. He wants to talk to her alone. Alone on a sitcom though means Ponytail, Nick and two drunk college girls in the backseat and Jess and Russell in the front seat of Russell’s very nice car.

They pull over at a park so Nick can fall out of the car and “making the puke,”
Nick tells Russell, “This is not her, you know. She’s not like us. She’s one of the good ones.”
Nick sure does have his moments.

Jess with the help of alcohol admits she thinks Russell is, “a hottie with a body”. He is embarrassed but smiling.
He is sorry, the call at dinner was his ex-wife. She is watching their daughter and he forgot to bring over her inhaler. He is out of practice…he hasn’t dated since 1989. He wanted to kiss her, he wanted to do more than kiss her. “I want to do you at some point, really give it to you good.” She is giggling and it’s pretty cute. He has forgotten how to tell if it is the right moment.
This is overlaid with Nick outside on the grass puking and yelling to the poison to get out of him.
So Russell and Jess share their first kiss which Ponytail interrupts by putting his hand on Jess’s head to see if anyone would notice. He passes out again in the backseat and Jess and Russell kiss again.

Nick ends the episode for us by freaking out. He is only 40 feet from the car but he is certain he has somehow wandered off into the mountains. He is so alone and so cold. He can’t get Dirk to stay on the phone with him either so in his inebriated state he thinks Dirk is dead. He is crying over the Smartest Man he ever knew.

Below I leave you with what I thought were the funniest quotes of the night:
Jess: Nick! Your friend is urinating in the bathroom Tony the Tiger-style.
Schmidt: Naked with kerchief?
Jess: What?
Schmidt: Naked… with kerchief.
Jess: No! What do you call top-and-no-pants?
Schmidt: Oh, that’s like a Winnie the Pooh or Paddington…
Winston: Honey the Smacks frog… Donald the Duck…
Schmidt: I guess pretty much any kind of bear except for Yogi because that’s naked with a tie…
Winston: Alvin… Simon… Theodore.
Jess: So Dirk’s a lawyer?
Nick: No, he’s not a lawyer, but he does have a law degree, a business degree, and a Master’s in agriculture. He’s kind of like a degree collector. He’s got his PhD in poetry, so…
Jess: That sucks for poems.
Schmidt: No, CeCe. I’m not having sex with you right now. I need to get everybody in the company’s name into a version of “We Didn’t Start the Fire.”
CeCe: Totally fine. What do you need? Like 20 minutes?
Schmidt: Okay, this is real work, for my real boss, who is not you.
CeCe: Oh, I get what’s happening here. It’s because pony tail out there called you a “sexerceptionist.”
Schmidt: A sexerceptionist answers calls all day. A sex-cretary does scheduling, light filing… basically runs the office. So, first of all, thank you for the demotion. And second of all, I quit.
CeCe: Was it, like, a caress or like a pat?
Jess: No, like a pat. It was distinctly a pat… and it was actually kind of hot — the man knows how to pat a back.
CeCe: At any point during the night did you do your Kermit the Frog imitation?
Jess: Maybe.
CeCe: I’ve never had to seduce anybody before.
Schmidt: If you’re going to seduce me, don’t dress up like my aunt Freda at Seder.
Nick: Jess, you made it to the party!
Jess: What’s going on? Why is the cast of The Social Network in our apartment?
Nick: Dirk is a genius! Twenty-year-old girls, they think I’m awesome! And look at ’em! They don’t know what Saved by the Bell is, and they’ve never felt pain!

New Girl airs Tuesday 9/8c on Fox