NEW GIRL Recap: Jess and Mr. Fancyman

The episode starts with Nick trying to get a new cell phone, which, as most things Nick, is pretty ridiculous. He actually gets turned away, after being laughed at, for having a credit score of 250.
Before they leave Jess wants to know if they can’t just search the box of Africa-bound charity phones she is sure they have in the back.
As they leave the store Jess tries to put her happy spin on the situation. Nick always wanted a thing. This could be it, the guy with no phone. Hey it’s mysterious.
Jess: “You could go all Ghost Protocol on everyone.”
Nick: “See that’s cool, I always wanted to be a mole person.”

Meanwhile Schmitt, Shelby and Winston are out at a trivia night. Schmitt is the king of bar trivia. He knew every single answer. As Shelby is going on and on about how Schmitt is a trivia God, Winston is getting a little agitated. Schmitt tells him not to worry, it’s Winston’s public school education that held him back.

Now the moment I’ve been waiting for since I heard about the casting…Dermot Mulroney! Who looks as good as he always has. In fact my daughter who thinks anyone my age or older is “old and gross” is watching with me and says, “How is he so good looking?” I look at her like she is an idiot and say, “He. Is. Dermot. Mulroney!” Like that’s explains everything. She says, “He’s old and I don’t know how I feel about that.”
Anyway…Jess is in her classroom wearing a bowler hat and a sign around her neck that reads, “Mr. Monogamy”. Enter Russell Schiller, Dermot Mulroney. His daughter Sarah is in Jess’s class. He is there to talk about Sarah’s art. Jess shows him a 3-D piece that is nothing short of disturbing with dolls heads attached to it.
Whether it is the bowler hat, Jess’s description of her attempt to take condoms off of cucumbers (sex-ed class) or her awful British accent, she does not hit it off with Russell. In fact he is going to pull his daughter from Jess’s “Dream Sess” from now on to go over her other school work with a tutor. Jess is not happy about that and they quickly escalate into Jess basically accusing him of not being a good Dad and Russell accusing her of not being a good teacher.
Jess is in the principal’s office complaining about him but the principle will hear nothing of it. Russell is a huge donor to the school and Jess must apologize. Jess comes up with a haphazard plan to raise the money but the principle insists she just apologize.

Back to Winston and Schmitt, they are in Schmitt’s room and Winston is upset that Schmitt made him look stupid in front of Shelby. Schmitt being the smug bastard that he is, can’t believe Winston wants him to take a dive. Winston is the second smartest person in the loft. He then remembers that “Jess is the teacher of children.” So maybe third smartest. Winston is not amused.
I should also mention that Schmitt is doing lunges from one side of his room to another while this conversation is going on.

Jess is lamenting to the boys about how she hates to grovel. Nick who has quickly devolved into a hoodie wearing Marxist, starts a spiel about consumerism and greed. He drives the point home by saying this is EXACTLY why he got rid of his phone. Nick tells Jess she should get rid of her phone but quickly reconsiders since he gave his Mom Jess’s number for emergencies.
Schmitt thinks the best course of action is for Jess to pull the period card. In fact he did it once and it worked. Although it mainly worked to confuse.
Winston feels she should apologize. Plain and simple.
Jess agrees with Nick, whose plan consists of marching into Russell’s office and calling him Mr. Fancyman. Because you know, you can’t get more hurtful then calling a man Mr. Fancyman.

While driving to Mr. Fancyman’s office Jess is on the phone with Nick and Schmitt. She wants to run through her speech with them.
Just as Jess is about to Russell’s office her car stalls, in the middle of the road. She is still on speaker phone with the boys when Mr. Fancyman himself shows up. She is near his office after all.
Russell offers to help Jess, she says she is just going to push the car to the nearest gas station (a mile away). She keeps telling him she can take care of herself. He calls a tow truck anyway. In fact she can just take his car. She can return it tomorrow night at the cookout he is having at his place.
*Not having wealthy friends I’m as doe eyed as Jess about a guy just giving her keys to his car.*
Schmitt and Nick are still on speaker during this exchange. Nick gives his signature frown and repeats, “We are the 99%!”, but Schmitt thinks Russell is a superhero and “the guy sounds like a matinée idol!”

Cece and Jess are going over what happened. Jess is sure he just wants to take back the power so she has to grovel; Cece says he is single and sounds sweet. Cece thinks Russell intimidates Jess because she wouldn’t have to take care of him.

Jess does go to the cookout and she brings Nick. She is counting on his hatred of rich people. Unfortunately for Jess Nick starts to like the house and Russell and despite her misgivings Jess starts to like Russell too. In fact Russell gives her a deconstructed spring roll that is, “so amazing I want to punch you!”
Shortly after that Russell finds Nick in his office/study, wearing his newsboy hat and his sweater. Russell isn’t even too freaked out by the incident. In fact he gives Nick a phone he got from a company Christmas Party and tells him to keep the sweater. He was pretty insistent thought that Nick never hang the sweater…only fold it.
Nick wonders out loud why Russell is being so nice to him and he responds that Nick is friends with Jess. It’s that simple.

Jess finds a bathroom and the toilet starts talking to her Japanese. She pushes buttons…all of the buttons…so of course water spews out at her. She can’t get it to stop. Russell runs in to help her. While the Japanese bidet is completely out of control Jess says she isn’t going to apologize to him and she doesn’t care if he does pull his donation. He says he would never do that. She runs out of the bathroom and leaves him there, covered in toilet water.

Nick is being pulled out of the party by Jess. She is running away but Nick won’t let her leave. He says it may complicate things but he is in love with Russell. “He smells like strong coffee, and going to see a man about a horse.” Nick tells her to get back into the party. Russell likes her, give him a shot. “ Don’t be intimidated just because you’re younger, poorer, and wetter than everybody in there!”

Winston, Schmitt and Shelby are at another trivia night. Winston, despite having practiced with his Manny charge, Alvin (did you even remember Winston was a Manny?) doesn’t know the answer to any of the questions. That isn’t stopping him from yelling out answers. In case you were wondering, Crispin Glover was not the first man to die in the Revolutionary War.
They leave trivia night and Winston says he didn’t want Shelby to think he was stupid. She doesn’t care. She likes him. They start to kiss while Schmitt is in the car, yelling out things. “Do you want me to put on some Jodeci?”

At the mansion cookout Jess is telling Russell she isn’t used to people that have it all together. He says he doesn’t have it all together and he would like to have dinner with her. She says okay.
Did I mention she was standing next to a koi pond? No? Well, being Jess, she falls right into the pond after agreeing to Russell’s dinner invitation. Nick runs to her rescue but first has to take off his sweater, then fold it.
I leave you with the following hilarious quotes from New Girl:
Jess: I was cleaning up from the sexual health class. I had to take condoms off of 30 cucumbers, and condoms are harder to take off than I thought. I know how to put them on, but I didn’t know how to take them off. I guess someone else has always done it for me!

Jess: I’ll raise the money myself. I’ll get a ragtag group of kids together — a lost soul, an orphan, a Jewish kid with a keyboard, a little slut who can dance, and one fatso! And I’ll choreograph some dances and make a show!
Principal: You did that already, Jess. It’s called the spring musical, and it literally brought in $60.

Jess: I have to grovel. I hate groveling. I would have lasted two seconds in the court of the Sun King. I think about that all the time!
Nick: You do?

Nick: March into his office and say, “Hey Mr. Fancyman, you can’t tell me what to do! Your money doesn’t own me!’ And then throw away your phone!
Jess: Yeah! I’m gonna throw my phone into the fiery chasm where he keeps his poor people!
Nick: Actually, scratch that. My mom’s got your number in case of emergency.

Jess: Okay, I’m going to start with a quote against Social Darwinism, then a discussion of the Gilded Age, the robber barons, the Great Society — how we ended up with a huge wealth disparity in this country — and then I end with a bluegrass version of Public Enemy’s “Fight the Power.”

Jess: Because! He’s the type of guy who has a linen closet and a towel warmer. You know me. I’m only attracted to guys who are afraid of success and think someone famous stole their idea. I like an underdog.
CeCe: Spencer didn’t even own sheets!
Jess: Yeah. We slept on a pile of washcloths.

Nick’s comments at the things in Russell’s house:
“For starters, look at this [house]. I’m betting at one point there was a moat. Rich boy!”
“A kitchen island? Be a man! Let your counter attach to itself.”
“I want to sit at that desk and veto a law. When I put my hand on this desk, I feel sexually proficient for the first time in my life.”
“Do you smell that? It smells like leather and Teddy Roosevelt and wistfulness.”
“It feels really good in my hand. Is it possible to be sexually attracted to an object?” (regarding the phone Russell gave him)
“I don’t know why I put the sweater on. I just came in here and it smelled like Shakespeare — if Shakespeare were a damn cowboy — and a hawk’s nest and boat fuel and cigars and bourbon. Man stuff!”
“He smells like strong coffee and going to see a man about a horse.”

How Nick would talk if he had power:
“I’m President Miller, you’re all fired! Bring our boys home.”
Clutching a wooden mallard: “I want to kill you… because I respect you. [to Jess] I think I understand hunting!”
“You want to come in here and charge me a billion dollars? That’s nothing to me!”
“You’re off the streets… *pause* I don’t want to either, you’re the best cop I got!”
“It’s President Miller of Earth. I’d like to speak to the Galactic Emperor, please. *pause* Yeah it’s about money.”
“I’m going to push a piece of paper across the desk that I’ve written a little number on…. Why don’t I just tell you? It’s $5 kabillion. What do you say? Is China mine, Mr. Ying?”

New Girl airs on Tuesday at 9/8c on Fox