GLEE: McKinley High Does “The First Time”

It should be a joyous time at McKinley High, but all this poor recapper is imagining is her horribly long and exhausting day. Therefore, take this Glee recap with an extra dose of sarcasm. (Please, I beg of you.)

Anytime we have an Artie POV moment, I feel so much better about the world. You forgot your passion of directing two years ago, Artie?

“Tonight Tonight” is one of my all-time favorite songs from West Side Story, and I think I can safely say that this rivals the movie musical. It’s enough to warm my heart and make tonight better. Of course, the beauty of that is now tempered by how much Artie has infused sexual energy into the picture. Awk. Ward.

How Finn manages to kiss Rachel after talking about Kurt, I do not know. I also don’t know how Finn is going to get recruited by Ohio State. You are not that good, Finn.

I didn’t need to hear Blaine say the word masturbation, and I can’t tell who’s room this is, but it’s lacking in something. The dancing was good, though that was clearly a case of “The White Man’s Overbite”.

There’s something about Artie being the center of all of this sexual conversation that makes me nervous, but then again, he’s at least someone who can be non-threatening to most everyone on the show.

There’s no transition for this, but why is Blaine wearing high-waters to Dalton? I also want to know why the Warblers have gone back to singing Billy Joel (“Uptown Girl” is not one of my favorites songs, no mater what). Another question that begs my attention–why is Blaine dancing along with them again? He’s not part of this world anymore.

That new guy, Sebastian (why are all of the evil guys named Sebastian?), is trying to hit on Blaine? It’s never a good idea to try that. Inter-cutting this scene with Santana singing one of my favorite Anita songs, this is just cruel, show. Do not give into this guy, Blaine. He will lead you astray and out of the arms of your very loving boyfriend.

Finn talking to Puck about sex is about as awkward as everything else in this episode. I don’t need that reminder, however, Puck, that you’re a guy who doesn’t use a condom. We all know how well that’s worked for you before.

The part of me that wants Blaine and Kurt to have sex is lessened by the oddly creepy undertones to all of Blaine’s comments about needing to be adventurous. It doesn’t help when Sebastian comes to the Lima Bean and wants some alcohol in his coffee. Sebastian is creepy with a capital C, especially when he’s one to suggest the gay bar on the other side of town. (I’m having flashbacks to But I’m a Cheerleader right now, which is not the best place to me.)

Finn, if you can’t remember that your girlfriend is a vegan, you’re really not ready to have sex with her. Clearly. In all caps. With an exclamation point. As a related point, when you start lying to Finn, Rachel, this still isn’t working well. Oh, there’s the timetable of why this is important. Moment, ruined, Rachel Berry.

Mike Chang’s dad–ugh, I hate this man. Mike’s dreams of dancing are not dreams, but an actual reality. Being that this show can’t seem to keep up strong relationships with most of the parents and children, Chang no longer has a dad.

Beiste fails at this romance thing. Big time. Take the plunge, Beiste, and just give into the man. You’re not a pretty girl, I will say, but you’re good enough for this guy, and he really does like you.

Santana’s comment about Finn being horrible in bed is making this entire conversation about Rachel’s failed attempts at losing her v-card. Tina’s story about her first time with Mike is really touching, and probably will contribute to throngs of girls wanting that perfect first time.

Horrible fake IDs and a really sketchy looking club on the other side of town–this is the makings of a great night out. Now walking in, I can just tell it’s going to be even worse than I imagined. This place looks horrible. Blaine, do not dance with the other man. Also, oh, that was not the person I expected to see here. Dave, you are the last person I thought would be here. I don’t think that this new school is really what Dave wanted, but oh well. I’d complain that Kurt’s sexual awakening happened to be time with a 70s Disco song as a sign of his life, but it just seems like a really bad cliche.

A really drunk Blaine is not a recipe for a good first time, Kurt, I agree. Why hasn’t Blaine learned that no should be no (not that I’m against them having sex in the least–just this moment isn’t it.) Kurt, you had all the right ideas, it wasn’t going to be memorable, but I’m not happy with Blaine walking home, especially as a sixteen year old who got drunk.

How is Artie having an anxiety attack right now? But, seeing that the cast is pulling together to show Artie how much he has done for him. I can’t quite seen how that connects with the rest of the episode, but then again, there’s some leaps in logic I have to make while watching an episode.

Can I actually get to hear “America”? Oh good! My night has been made. I’d like to take this time to thank everyone on the show for actually letting that whole number play out–it’s one of my favorites (if that hasn’t been clear all along) and oh man, the production value was worth it.

Doing something better the next night, well, isn’t that the truth, Kurt. With a nice touching moment, we see our fair couple ignore the after-party and go back to Blaine’s house for a little light action.

Finn getting a rejection from the football recruiter leads to Finn questioning everything he’s ever wanted. I could have told him that Ohio State wasn’t in his cards (can we remember how bad a QB he was in the first season?), but watching them get their moment is well worth it.

“One Hand, One Heart” as we watch the two couples begin their sexual histories is a nice touch.