SUBURGATORY Recap: Dance-Off

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Ryan is still dealing with his adoption drama, he has even moved into Malik’s house temporarily while he is sorting out what he wants to do. Over at the Shay’s they aren’t handling Ryan being gone all that well either. It’s a mess of praying, venison and soothing grain alcohol.

Over at the school George is pacing outside a room where Tessa is taking the SAT’s. Dallas however isn’t worried, Dalia always does great on tests. In fact when she was born she was in the 95th percentile in length. Tessa comes out and says she thinks she did pretty well so George offers to get her any ice cream flavor from the store she wants. Dalia who says she finished early wants to know what she is getting. Dallas says a new stereo to go in the new car she got for the PSAT’s. Tessa snarks that she got a card for scoring well above average on the PSAT’s and George for some reason can’t believe Dalia got a car.

The Shays are desperate to get Ryan back and this includes Lisa outside Malik’s house “smoking” a piece of red licorice and using her sexy voice at least I think it’s supposed to be her sexy voice. She wants to talk about them getting back together. He looks excited but only for a moment because Fred puts an actual burlap sack over Malik’s head, Lisa ties his wrists together and Shelia opens the back of a van so they can throw him in before driving off.

Noah and his family have their own problems. Their little baby didn’t get into the best preschool so they seek help from Mr. Wolfe (the counselor) who apparently spends his off time tutoring toddlers. I know this is Chatswin but how ridiculous.
Opus is getting a late start though, he has no community service hours, no political affiliations and he is just socially unaware. Poor little out of the loop toddler.
Mr. Wolfe does say he isn’t taking on any new clients but after seeing how cute Opus is he agrees to help them as long as they don’t interfere with his methods.

Meanwhile Malik is duct taped to a chair where the Shay’s in scary clown masks attempt to interrogate him. Even though they have the masks on Malik an easily tell who they are so they take the masks off and offer him a deal. He calls his parents and says he is being held against his will, if his parents will give them back Ryan they will get Malik back. The “ransom” call doesn’t go as planned but at least it sets up a meeting between The Shay’s and Malik’s family.

PAULA NEWSOME, ANA GASTEYER, CHRIS PARNELLAt the Royce house Tessa is there to apologize to Dalia for being smug about her test scores and making her feel bad about her PSAT car. Clearly Tessa is being forced to apologize by George, Dalia accepts and invites Dalia to a hip hop dance class she is goes to. Tessa declines but I’m betting George makes her go.

The Shays are at Malik’s to get Ryan back. They don’t even make it in the door before Shelia faints at hearing Ryan has changed his name to Eugene Goldfarb because he doesn’t want to be known as a Shay anymore.
Ryan/Eugene comes down and says he won’t go home with a big bunch of faking fakers. He even threatens to get emancipated. Malik’s Mother is a lawyer so she is helping him with the paperwork.
After almost fainting again they decide to all sit down for dinner, because that seems like the next logical step.

Mr. Wolfe and Opus are “training” which isn’t going well for Opus while across town Tessa is being made to attend the hip hop dance class of Dalia’s. You ever see that movie Malibu’s Most Wanted with Jamie Kennedy? That is all I can think about with this very white very suburban group of hip hop” ganstas”. Tessa seems to feel the same way.
Oh but it gets better, there is only one way to settle a beef in beginner hip hop – dance off.CARLY CHAIKIN, JEREMY SISTO, CHERYL HINES

Before we can find out how that ends the Shay’s and Malik’s family are eating dinner, it’s not going all that well. Ryan/Eugene wants to know how they could never tell him he was adopted and it escalates from there.
Fred: What if I were to leave Shelia? Would you come back then?

Back at hip hop dance central Dalia is doing some dance moves with her crew while Tessa does some not so great moves. Dallas is in the back of the room cheering Dalia on which starts to anger George. She says George lets Tessa act any old way she wants and he says something’s and Dallas calls George cheap. George decides to get into this feud and tells Tessa to represent. Tessa puts a little more effort into it doing the standards like the book checkout, oh come on you all know the book checkout, right? No? Me neither but they seem impressed.
Dallas and George are still fighting so George takes his coat off and starts doing some representing of his own, Dallas counters with a moon walk and some more trash talk. The class has forgotten their dance off in favor of watching the train wreck that is George and Dallas dance fighting.
Tessa and Dalia interrupt the dance fighting to tell their parents to knock this off and apologize to each other.
George: I’m sorry, I think I got carried away, I shouldn’t have gansta’d you. That’s an aggressive move best reserved for an Electric Boogaloo reboot.JEREMY SISTO, CHERYL HINES

Over at Noah’s Mr. Wolfe is breaking the bad news – their kid is average. They don’t care, he is too cute and they love him anyway. That’s shockingly unshallow of them.

Ryan/Eugene and Malik are in their bunk beds talking before going to sleep. Ryan/Eugene is upset because the chocolate pudding they had for desert tonight didn’t have skin and that is his favorite. In fact at his old home, his old family would even give him their pudding skins. Malik says it is because they love Ryan/Eugene. He seems to ponder that.
Later that night Shelia, Fred and Lisa wake up to a noise, they come downstairs to find Ryan /Eugene eating pudding skin in the dining room. When he gets up they ask Eugene where he is going and he says his name is Ryan and he is going to bed.
Ryan: Skin is thicker than water

Suburgatory airs Wednesday 9:30/8:30c on ABC

Leah reads constantly, sing incessantly and watches TV what her Mother would consider an unhealthy amount. You can find her on twitter @IamPollyP or contact her via email at