SUBURGATORY Recap: Independence Day

We open on Dallas doing some spring cleaning. For Dallas that means spray tanning over her wedding ring tan line as well as shining her new Joy Behar crystal bust she had commissioned for her new store.
She is actually having a conversation with “Joy” while polishing “Joy’s” face. She is nervous about the store opening and wow she really does ask the tough questions. Dallas then continues the conversation with her dog. Yakult barks and Dallas thinks it is a great idea to invite her sorority sisters out for the store opening. They could even stay at her house. Oh but slow down Yakult because they will need to get a head count before they worry about catering.
Dallas realizes she is having a conversation with the dog and smelling the polish on the rag she is holding thinks maybe she should crack a window.

Meanwhile Tessa is sitting outside her school in the dark. George pulls up in the Prius and is so sorry he is late. She can’t figure out why she got her license if she is never going to get to drive. George reminds her there is nothing wrong with walking, “It builds character and calf muscles.” Tessa snarks that her calves are already the size of soup cans. But wait, why couldn’t she walk home tonight? George says it is because it is dark out. Oh but it’s okay for her to sit outside a dark empty building?

“In some countries I’m old enough to marry” “In some countries I could sell you for rice.”

Dallas is back at home surrounded by busily cleaning maids. Dalia comes in and wastes no time asking if her Daddy sent her anything. She opens up the package and it’s a motorcycle jacket. Now that her parents are divorced, “Daddy is going to have to do better than a motorcycle jacket.” Dallas tells the pouting Dalia that there is a motorcycle in the garage to go with it. Dalia feels much better about the gift now.
Dallas is excited because her sorority sisters are coming over. They are going to have a sleep over in the living room. Dallas calls the sleeping bags, “sorority dream sacs”. She tells the maid who is laying them out that one girl can’t make it. “On account of the fact she didn’t invite her. On account of the fact that she is a big ‘ol bitch.” Dallas goes on to say, “She is a backstabbing, boyfriend grabbing, style jacking, bubble gum smacking, husband heart attacking….” At Dalia’s confused look Dallas says the woman in questions husband died of a heart attack.

George is making grilled cheese sandwiches in more butter then I’ve used in the last six months. He yells for Tessa that it’s dinner time. She comes in and tells George she doesn’t want him making her dinner. She can take care of herself. Tessa reminds him that in the city she got around by herself. That’s what George likes about Chatswin…they have to rely on each other.
She announces she wants her own car so she can be independent. George says independent people buy their own things. She should save up to buy her own wheels. She will! Get a job maybe. She will! Not about to let this go, George tells her to wash her dish then if she is independent and dry it. Tessa calls him a dictator.

George is lamenting to Noah. Noah assures him he isn’t a dictator he just forces people to do what he says, and who cares if she makes her own dinner. George says everything is a fight. Noah reminds him that this is par for the course when it comes to teenage daughters. Just then Noah’s daughter calls to tell him she loves him and he is the greatest Dad in the world. George stares at him and Noah hangs up and says he thinks she is a little bit drunk.

Tessa is jogging through town thinking. Maybe she is a little spoiled. She isn’t a Chatswin girl, she is a New Yorker. She has all the motivation she needs. She sees a help wanted sign in Dallas’s crystal store.
Tessa asks her about the crystal help wanted sign in the window. Dallas says the piece is $2600.00 but, “It’s an investment piece and she will have it forever.” Tessa just shakes her head and says she thought Dallas was hiring. Dallas is hiring, she just didn’t put up a sign yet. Dallas asks if Tessa has a resume or maybe just references. Tessa says Dallas is her reference. Then Dallas asks in what way is Tessa like a crystal. “In no way. Wait let me think. We both have hard exteriors and an inner light.” Dallas writes, “Not like a crystal” on her clipboard. Tessa says she may not be a crystal but she needs a job and she will work really hard if given a chance. Then she charms Dallas by telling her she just wants to be independent and self-sufficient. Just. Like. Her.
Since there was a strong chemical smell in the shop they agree to better ventilation, a semi-formal uniform that Dallas would provide and a generous hourly wage. To that end Dallas hands Tessa three stacks of $20.00’s. It’s her advance, her bonus and money for a manicure.

George has taken Noah’s advice and is meeting with the counselor at Tessa’s school. It’s a funny exchange that starts with George asking if Tessa is having problems at school and the counselor saying she is fine but are you worried something else is going on, “like drugs, hard drugs, sex, sex to pay for the drugs. Secondary health concerns as a result of the sex and drugs.” George says he wasn’t concerned about any of that. The counselor says that’s good because he is pretty sure it isn’t anything like that.
He will check with Malik though, Malik is a snitch.
As George is leaving the office he sees Tessa’s poem. The one she wrote last episode to please her poetry teacher. “It’s a soul crushing poem Tessa wrote about the giant festering hole inside her left by the absence of her Mother.” George, “That’s not good.”

While Tessa is trying to figure out how to fly the coop, Dallas is at home dancing in a pink tank and sweats with her sorority sisters, and trying to fill her nest with chicks she hadn’t seen in a while.
For some reason all of Dallas’s sorority sisters are black women. My daughter keeps mentioning to me because she finds it very humorous. Later they are all sitting around drinking white wine and talking. Dallas tells them she is divorced. Dallas just knew when she saw those “big ‘ol size ML panties” it just wasn’t right. The group seems genuinely appalled by the thought of ML underwear. Dallas had no intention of, “growing old with a dog getting bit up on by flees.” Dallas is going to be strong for Dalia.
Enter Robin Givens, playing Tulsa. Looks like Dallas’s uninvited sorority sister did not stay away. They trade barbs. Dallas says she can’t believe she is in zebra print, she figured her for more of a snake. Tulsa says her heart can’t take the stress from all this bickering and she can’t believe Dallas didn’t reach out to her in her time of sorrow. Dallas has her own stuff going on. Tulsa tells the room that being divorced isn’t nearly as tragic as being a widow. Dallas is pretty sure her husband died five years ago.
I need to mention here that this whole exchange is being played out over church/choir music. While Robin Givens cadence would make a devout Baptist pastor proud. It was perfectly done.

At what looks like a malt shop, and I assume Chatswin has one, Tessa is sitting around with Malik and Lisa. She is counting the money she got from Dallas. Malik wants to know if it is Meth money and Lisa wants to know if that is why she looks so pale. If they can keep a secret Tessa will tell them. Lisa looks pointedly at Malik and says she can. Tessa has found an old scooter on Craigslist and she has enough money to buy it. Lisa brings up that her Mom has told her scooters scramble your ovaries. Lisa thought she was saving for a car. Tessa says she can’t afford a car; they aren’t like Dalia, having things handed to them. They have to work for it. Malik sheepish holds up the keys to the 328i his parents bought him. Lisa says she has $35k in trust.

George and Noah are at Noah’s house where he is reading Tessa poem. Noah finishes it and says, “dark days…So, do you feel like Thai?” No George does NOT feel like Thai, although he might do a sauté if Noah is going to do an order. While George is worried that Tessa is in pain and has been keeping it from him, Noah is concerned about ordering food. “Fat noodle? Do you like a Fat Noodle, George?” They will feel better with food on the way.
I actually have a friend whose Mother always says, “You will feel better after you eat.” Anytime anyone is grumpy with me I repeat that to them.

George thinks Tessa wants to see her mom.

Tessa and Lisa are walking outside. Lisa can’t believe they are slumming it in East Chatswin. Tessa says it doesn’t look like a slum to her, and it doesn’t. Nice manicured lawns and pretty ramblers line the street. Tessa points out a garden gnome. Lisa pulls out a pack of smokes and offers Tessa a “cig.” Tessa says they don’t smoke but Lisa says, “When in Rome, am I right?”
They find the house. Lisa’s next lines are too funny to paraphrase. “So anyone can advertise on Craigslist right, any crazy person can post and ad and lure unsuspecting innocents to their lair.” Tessa says it doesn’t look like a lair. Lisa, “A good lair never does. That’s how good lairs lure you. If it doesn’t lure it’s not a lair.” Tessa wants Lisa to pull it together but it’s a little too late for that. Lisa thinks there isn’t even a scooter, just some psycho waiting to make a suit out of their skin. *Yay a Silence of the Lambs reference* Tessa quips, “Or a sundress.” Besides the ad said to ask for Doug. No psycho is named Doug. She rings the bell. The door opens to reveal a long haired shirtless white man who says his name is Lucian. Doug isn’t home but he is going to take care of them. Lisa pushes Tess at Lucian and runs away.

George is at a diner meeting with a woman named Helen. He is trying to be nice to her but she is not having it. She says he has a lot of wrinkles, which he says come from growing up. He doesn’t want to fight. It turns out Helen is Tessa’s Grandmother. Helen makes snarky remarks about George getting full physical custody and George says he isn’t the bad guy. Alex, Tessa’s Mom, fell apart and he stepped up.
Helen is clearly not going to be civil so he says, “Tessa is a great girl. She is smart and funny and strong willed. She looks a lot like Alex. Just tell her that for me.” He walks out leaving Helen and her sour expression at the diner.

Dallas is at her shops grand opening. She is holding up a must have for Oscar season, a crystal with Billy Crystal in it. A Billy Crystal. *which makes me laugh out loud* Tulsa says some people will spend their money on anything.
George shows up looking for Tessa. Dallas says she didn’t show which is odd since she had such a good reference. George didn’t even know she worked there.
Malik is taking pictures of the event and the sorority sisters so they ask him where Tessa is. He is, after all, a snitch. He wastes no time in spilling that Tessa and Lisa went to East Chatswin to buy a scooter.
Dallas says she will go with him to find Tessa. She is starting to realize she has only one true friend in the store and he is on his way out. He grabs her hand and they leave.

Lisa and Tessa are pushing the scooter. Lisa can’t believe he sold her the scooter with no gas. Tessa is more concerned about Lisa pushing her into a shirtless stranger’s living room. Just then George and Dallas pull up. George is annoyed she got a job and went to East Chatswin all without telling him. Tessa reminds him he told her to do both of those things, get a job and buy some wheels. He meant four wheels but he wasn’t specific. George gets out of the car, asks Dallas to drive Lisa home and pushes the scooter with Tessa.
Lisa gets in Dallas’s car and says, “It was Malik wasn’t it.”

Dallas gets to her house to find her sorority sisters drinking red wine and chatting. Tulsa wastes no time making snide comments. She accuses Dallas of inviting them all over and then ditching them for her new boyfriend. Dallas says George is not her boyfriend.
Tulsa: “I hear he is an architect and I have been looking for someone to lay hardwood downstairs.
Dallas looks pissed.
Dallas: “You will have to pull up that musty carpet. I’ve seen your downstairs and it needs some work.”
One of the less then brilliant sorority sisters says, “I thought she had tile down there.” They look at her like she is special and Dallas tells her to “close her tiny teeth.”
Dallas turns back to Tulsa and says she isn’t sure George is ready to take on a project that size. Tulsa smiles sardonically. She has lost weight, she is now a size SM, where as just a few months ago she was a size ML.
To her credit Dallas doesn’t knock her out. Instead she says if she is implying what she thinks she is implying they deserve each other. Then, “taking a cue from menopausal Joy Behar she storms out leaving her invited guest in the lurch.”

Tessa and George are at a gas station. Tessa wants to know if she can keep the scooter. George is telling her how she is so busy being independent she doesn’t think things thru. She doesn’t even have the correct license for this thing. At that moment Dalia pulls up on the motorcycle her Dad bought her. She tells them to fill it up, then realizes who it is and speeds off.
George tells Tessa he read her poem, the one about her Mom. Tessa says not to read too much into that. (Too late) George is concerned because she never talks about it. Tessa reminds him that you can’t miss someone you don’t know and there is nothing to say. She really never thinks about it. And besides, he is all the Mom she needs. He grins. They get on the scooter.

Dalia is in her room texting when Dallas walks in. George called and said she was out on the motorcycle. In her deadpan delivery Dalia says, “George lied. He is a known liar.” Dallas had Carmen check the bike and it was still warm to the touch. Dalia again says, “She is a known liar. She steals from us.”
Dallas tells her that expensive gifts aren’t going to make the pain go away. Dalia knows, that’s why she wants a “hangover monkey”. You know, like the monkey in the movie The Hangover. They are really cute monkeys and they will always be there for her. Dallas says to listen up. “She might not be a monkey but she will always be there for her. She has her back.” They hug and Dalia texts her Dad about getting a monkey because Mom says no.

The show ends with Tessa saying the following while the screen shows Helen looking at her phone, “Dad was going to let me keep the scooter…after all it was already in motion.” This prompted my daughter to say, “Dun dun duuuun!” and giggle.

I like when a comedy can do some serious subject matter too. It isn’t easy to make a funny show with just the right amount of serious but so far Suburgatory is pulling it off nicely.

Suburgatory airs Wednesday 8:30/7:30c on ABC