SUBURGATORY – Poetic Injustice or The Glorious Game of Croquet Recap

Where to start… there is a 4th season in Chatswin, Croquet Season and for our newly single Dallas that also means Mating Season. I admittedly don’t know a lot about the game of Croquet but apparently it’s a pretty sexy sport. Go figure.

Fred and Sheila of course are too distracted by Dallas’s “mates” to play a decent game of croquet. The only solution? Get George to be her partner.
This of course prompts a pretty amusing back and forth from Fred and Sheila about how George is averting a social accident that could potentially lower property values by partnering with Dallas.

Fred, “Tramp town”
Sheila, “I don’t want to live there.”
Fred, “I might plan a day trip.”

George is reluctant at first but being the good guy he is he gives in and agrees.

Later over at the Shay house Fred comes home to find no one there. What does he do? Runs to the TV to watch “Californication”. He’s as giddy as a school girl until he realizes the parental lock is on. Running upstairs to find the code he stumbles across a book titled, “Sheila Shay’s Diary – Private”. Without a bit of hesitation he opens it and proceeds to read about a recurring dream Sheila is having…about George!

In true Sheila fashion her fantasy starts off with George complimenting her parenting and tidy house and ends with George being covered in oil, “Not the dirty black oil but the sexy clear kind.”
We the viewers are treated to both versions of Jeremy Sisto sans clothes covered in oil (thank you writers)
But I digress…Jeremy without a shirt on will do that to a girl…Fred is distraught by what he has read.

While all of this is going on Tessa, at school, has spotted the new poetry teacher. Ms. Evans has black hair and a shoulder tattoo, so you know she has to be cool and nonconformist. I kept waiting for Ms. Evans to say Namaste; Tessa is waiting for Ms. Evans to be her new role model, something she is lacking in Chatswin.
Instead as Tessa waits with baited breath to hear Ms. Evans wisdom and life lessons/stories (she once made out with Casey Affleck) Tessa is shocked to hear her say that Dalia is the best poet in the class.

Back at the croquet playing field? Court? (I’m going to have to look that up) George has arrived to be Dallas’s partner. As Fred and Sheila have pointed out chemistry with your croquet partner is paramount.
Dallas is none too happy after his attempt last week to break up Dallas and Yanni. Dallas doesn’t even know if George can play croquet. He takes an awful Golf like swing at which point Sheila steps up to show George how to play.
This display causes my daughter who is watching with me to say she feels like she is watching old person porn.

Fred is beside himself. I should also point out that he appears to be trying to grow a mustache. It’s not filling in at all and it really looks more like dirt on his face then hair.
He pulls George aside and tells him to dial down the sex appeal. Fred uses the word froth in a multitude of different ways to try to explain to him how Sheila feels. Fred finally tells George Sheila is in love with him…awkward does not begin to cover the look on George’s face.

Back at school Tessa has decided to pull the “Mom left me when I was young” card with the poetry teacher. It doesn’t work. In fact Ms. Evans floored by Dalia’s car poem (a list of expensive cars) suggests that Dalia tutor Tessa.

That evening the Shays are in bed. Fred is watching Sheila sleep. He is lamenting, out loud, about why Sheila has to dream about George, she smiles, why can’t she dream about him, she frowns. Fred loses it, jumps out of bed, turns on the lights and admits to a startled Sheila that he read her diary and knows she dreams about George.
Sheila is happy he now knows, it is just a crush and, weight lifted, goes right back to sleep. Fred gives his sad excuse for facial hair a pep talk and looks devastated.

The next day Fred “crumples his pride like a piece of paper and eats it” while hilariously asking George, in front of Noah no less, to sleep with his wife.

George declines so Fred marches across the street and in front of Lisa and Tessa tells Sheila he failed as a husband. He couldn’t get George to have intercourse with her. Tessa’s facial expression is priceless.
Sheila is pretty shocked since it wasn’t George that she wanted to see covered in oil, but George Stephanopoulos from Good Morning America.
Fred is relieved but wants to know why Sheila didn’t just write his last name. She says she doesn’t know how to spell it. I didn’t either…I had no idea I would have to look so many things up to recap an episode of Suburgatory.

Tessa gets home in time to save George’s goatee. He was about to shave it off in order to stop Sheila from wanting him. Obviously his goatee is the source of his sexiness…and it is safe.

To end the episode the doorbell rings and George opens the door to find Dallas. She has a ball carrier for his croquet balls. It has “Georgas” painted on the side. George asks if George-ass is really necessary and Dallas says that it is pronounced George-ous. It’s a combination of their names like, “Bennifer, Bradgelina or Ce-Lo.” George says he is pretty sure Ce-Lo is just one guy to which Dallas says he couldn’t possibly be.
Dallas says this is a partner gift. George asks if that means they are partners and she says yes. It is clear they are not just talking about croquet.

Suburgatory airs at 8:30/7:30c on ABC