So things are still awkward between Nick and Jess not that they would admit it. They have chosen to go with the denial tact. In fact they think they should be rewarded for acting so normal around each other. Unfortunately Jess’s idea is having dinner at a fancy restaurant and Nick’s is having sex. This leads to more nervous/awkward talking.
Thankfully they are interrupted by Schmidt who is beyond excited at finding an empty parking spot. The roommates congregate around the spot to marvel at it and then argue over who gets it. Jess thinks they can share the spot in day and a half shifts but the boys aren’t having that. Winston is about to give his best spiel for the spot when Daisy texts him. He is momentarily side-tracked as their sex window is quite limited due to his working nights and her traveling for work.
Schmidt’s reasons to get the spot: I have lived in this loft as long if not longer than anyone, I have the crumbiest room, I’m on 24 hour grout watch and I pay the lion’s share of the utilities.
The more he thinks about it the more he can’t believe he even told them about the parking spot.
Winston says he will play the race card if Jess plays the lady card. Jess argues that she is the only one that has to deal with Outside Dave. Outside Dave is a homeless man who sleeps on the hood of her car (they live in a great neighborhood, don’t they) and yells at her if she tries to wake him so she can go somewhere.
While that arguing is going on Winston and Daisy have a sex window worked out so he gets up from the table. Nick, Schmidt and Jess announce he isn’t in the running to get the spot anymore.
What transpires next is a staring match between the three of them that Nick gives up on in less than 15 seconds. And then there were two, except since Jess and Schmidt are both voting for themselves to get the spot that leaves Nick to be the swing vote. He has to be the decider, something he refuses to do.
Jess: You can’t escape Destiny; she comes for us all. That relentless bitch. That’s right Destiny’s a lady.
Schmidt: Destiny might be a lady but victory has a penis. Direct quote – Scott Caan.
Looks like Nick is going to have to be the decider whether he wants to or not.
Jess’s first plan of action is to try to flirt with Nick. She puts on one of his hoodies and does some odd slinking around. He finally gets what she is trying to do and tells her she can have the spot. She is glad.
Across town Winston shows up at Daisy’s place for their sex window but he forgot a condom.
Things Winston thinks he could use instead:
A grocery bag, tin foil, hand sanitizer, a shower cap and a twist tie, a baseball hat that’s really small.
Since none of those ideas appeal to Daisy her runs off to find a condom.
Back at the loft Schmidt pours Nick a nice cold beer in a frosty mug to thank him for giving him the spot. He knows Nick will give it to him even though he is keeping up this charade for Jess’s benefit. Nick says no, he gave the spot to Jess. Schmidt snatches his beer back despite Nick’s assertions that he is just trying to be a gentleman.
Jess comes out to the living room and sits next to Nick. Schmidt stares at them for a moment, leans back and asks, “What the hell?” They act like they don’t know what he is talking about.
Schmidt: The stench of filth and lust is all over this room. It smells like freaking Tijuana.
Jess tries to say nothing happened but Nick cracks – like he always does – and says almost nothing happened. Under Schmidt’s non-blinking gaze Jess admits they kissed but then they make a bunch of non-committal sounds to make it seem like it wasn’t a big deal.
I swear if Schmidt had long hair he would have flipped it before running out of the room.
Winston is over at the grocery store where he cuts in front of everyone in line to get a box of condoms. However he put on Daisy’s pants instead of his own – they actually say YUM across the back – so he tries to talk the clerk into giving him the condoms. When that doesn’t work he attempts to ask the people in line for one before getting escorted out of the store.
Back in the loft Nick and Jess knock on Schmidt’s door to see if he is okay. He is trying to process the whole situation which consists of him insisting he is fine between yelling things like, “Jess what do you think? Mono is some sort of joke?” Nick and Jess say again that nothing has changed but Schmidt says post kiss Jess has a parking spot. The yelling and fighting is getting to Nick who says he can’t handle this anymore. He gives Schmidt the parking spot. Jess obviously isn’t okay with this and Nick starts yelling about how he is the decider, he decides. He freaks out completely and runs out of the apartment.
Jess finds Nick in the hallway where they have a ‘weird off’ where they each try to do something weirder than the other. It’s a lot of terrible facial expressions and grunting. It’s not pretty.
They manage to control themselves long enough for Jess to ask if this is how it is going to be from now on, always weird. Nick says he has a long term solution – he is taking the spot. He races back into the loft to grab his keys. Schmidt and Jess give chase; first car to the spot gets it.
Schmidt pulls up to the spot just as Nick runs into it with a chair – since he couldn’t get his car to start. Schmidt maintains you have to have a vehicle to claim a spot and when Nick won’t move he actually pulls forward enough to hit Nick with his car, it’s more of a tap than a running down but still. Just then Jess pulls up and using her car pushes Schmidt’s car out of the way.
Jess: I have a purse full of hard candy and an empty bladder; I’m here all night folks.
The boys agree they are also there all night. Looks like this isn’t going to be resolved civilly.
Winston is still on his search for a condom so he stops by Cece’s place. She is hanging out with the Indian guy she was on a date with during the last True American episode. The one she told Schmidt she was in love with him in front of. She’s explaining that her friends are really down to earth and so low drama when Winston pounds on the door and yells, “I need a condom for my penis.” Cece is mortified and rightly so. She opens the door and says they are not close enough for this kind of behavior but Winston doesn’t care, she is the only person he knows in this neighborhood and pushes himself into her apartment. After asking the man if he has a condom and then asking Cece if he will really need it Winston gets shown the door yet again.
The three parking spot squatters are still at it. Jess is eating her hard candy, Nick is starving and Schmidt has to pee. None of them are willing to leave the spot though because if you leave you are out.
Winston takes a moment to run by yelling he needs a condom. Up in the loft Winston searches Nick’s room before finding a condom in Jess’s room. Finally!
Back down at the parking spot Schmidt is chastising Nick for breaking the rules. When Jess signed the lease he, Nick and Coach declared a no-nail oath. Something Nick says he didn’t break as he didn’t nail Jess. Schmidt disagrees, his mouth nailed her mouth. Jess joins in with they did nothing wrong.
Of course Schmidt disagrees since according to him the two things that fuel men are competition and sex.
Schmidt: That is why the United Nations was formed. That’s why girls aren’t allowed on pirate ships and that is why there is a no-nail oath in apartment 4D.
I suppose some of that makes sense to someone somewhere.
It’s now dark outside and Winston is back at Daisy’s apartments except it’s a huge complex and he can’t figure out which building is hers. He does the only logical thing, he starts yelling her name.
Jess sits down next to Nick and says Schmidt is right, they can’t go back to the way things were. Things have changed. Nick says that kiss was the dumbest thing he has ever done, even dumber than Caroline. That’s just hurtful Nick. Too mean. Jess doesn’t say so but she starts to tear up and tells him congratulations he gets the parking spot. She gets up and leaves him sitting there. Schmidt – who has now peed himself – is still there and encourages Nick to go after her for obvious reasons.
Nick does leave the spot to go after Jess. He immediately says he doesn’t regret kissing her, just what the kiss did to them. They are roommates; they have to figure it out. She brings up the no-nail oath again; she can’t believe they thought she was going to sleep with one of them, like she couldn’t help it. Nick interrupts that it was him, he couldn’t help it. Jess drops the box she is holding while they stare at each other. They look like they are about to kiss again when Schmidt walks in. He reads the no-nail oath – which he happens to have on his phone.
No Nail Oath:
We the undersigned agree to never nail our roommate Jessica Day unless the sex can be parlayed into a business that provides for all parties involved. If one of the undersigned nails said female we then all must nail her.
Jess has had enough; she says there will be no nails, no screws, and no hammers.
Schmidt says there is only one way to make this all go back to normal, he has to kiss Jess. It’s the only way. Jess out of I can only imagine sheer frustration says fine, kiss me. He barely gets his lips on her when they both pull back stating what a huge mistake it was and it made the situation worse not better.
Winston choses that moment to get back home, he can’t believe everyone is getting some but him. He left his phone, his wallet and his dignity at Daisy’s place (which he can’t find) only to come home to see Jess and Schmidt kiss.
The group decides Winston needs a win so they give him the parking space.
New Girl airs Tuesday 9/8c on Fox