Tonight’s Suburgatory finale was a mother of an episode…this is funny because it was a Mother’s Day themed episode. I shouldn’t have to explain my own jokes so I’m just going to forget that happened and get to it.
According to Tessa’s voice over Chatswin is between the lower east side and the fiery pits of hell and in Chatswin they celebrate Mother’s Day as if it were the most joyous and important of days. For instance, in Chatswin, Sheila Shay in a horse drawn Cinderella carriage, dressed as Cinderella, riding down Main Street on Mother’s Day is normal. I was a little concerned that her son Ryan was her Prince Charming while her husband was driving the coach but I digress.
I’m not going to digress far though…how hot is Ryan as Prince Charming? My Word! Okay now I’m done.
Over at The Altman’s Eden is talking to Tessa in the kitchen about Mother’s Day. Eden wants to know if she is going to be okay and Tessa lets her know she doesn’t think about her mother. Not ever.
At Jill and Noah’s we get a glimpse into the nursery. Oh Dear Lord…Noah and Jill went with an endangered animals theme. From pelts on the floor to an ivory tusk crib and that’s not all, the guns on the gun rack on the wall…all live. So that’s safe.
Jill: “Some animals were murdered just for this room.”
Back at The Altman’s Eden is sitting on the couch with headphones on her belly. George wants to know what she is doing. Of course she is playing the baby Occupy Wall Street audio. She is irritable and pent up. She wants some George (not that I can blame her). He hems and haws for a moment, they waited this long shouldn’t they just wait for this last trimester to be over. She doesn’t think so.
Eden and George are in bed, it looks like it wasn’t the best of times. She wants to know what is wrong, isn’t he attracted to her? George says that isn’t it at all, he just couldn’t stop thinking about what Noah said. Eden says stop worrying about Noah’s kid and start worrying about his own. She talked to Tessa about her Mom and she thinks Tessa is in denial. George says he has talked to her in the past and she is fine. Eden says she has to feel something. You can’t have your Mom check out and feel absolutely nothing. George says Eden is great and usually intuitive but she is wrong about this.
Dallas and Tessa are at the Crystal Shop. Dallas is showing Tessa her gold shoes for the Mother’s Day 5k. This is the first year they are going to be in town for Mother’s Day since Steven used to take them to Israel every year. Tessa thinks Israel is an odd choice for Mother’s Day. Enter Dalia. She needs her passport. Steven didn’t want to spoil Mother’s Day for Dalia by cancelling the tradition. Dallas is clearly hurt since it is Mother’s Day and she is the Mother but she tells Dalia to have a good time and gives her her passport. Dalia says she will eat a kebab for her.
Tessa says she is sorry. Dallas says that is okay…she is going to run the 5K anyway.
At the Shay house they are going over what they are going to do for Sheila for Mother’s Day. Ryan had a foot washing plan going on but I tuned out for a moment…I’m not a foot person. And Lisa…well Lisa is still waiting on DNA results. So she tells her Dad she is going to hold off pending some very important paperwork.
Her Dad has a present big enough for the both of them so it will be from the both of them…Lisa can reimburse him later. Sheila’s favorite song is “One Hundred Ways” by James Ingram and Fred has found each and every one of them.
Fred: When we get to number 98 I would appreciate you kids closing your doors.
Sheila enters the room to go over the plan for the 5K run. Her family is her pit crew.
Sheila: Fred, Dixie cups, you on it? And don’t over fill them Fred I just need a mouthful. Probably going to be a swish and spit. Probably won’t swallow.
Fred: Whatever you’re comfortable with…it’s not about me.
Ryan is in charge of potassium while Lisa is the medic. That means bananas for Ryan and ace bandages, antiseptic and a pint of blood from the freezer downstairs for Lisa. Lisa can’t believe her Mom banks blood in the downstairs freezer.
Tessa is getting the mail. She has been waiting for an acceptance from the Village Voice. It is her way out of Chatswin and out of having to live with George and Eden. The letter is there. Tessa sits on the lawn and opens it.
Across the street Lisa is also watching the mail. She grabs the DNA letter and runs upstairs.
Next thing you know Lisa is pacing while Malik and Tessa are reading Lisa’s letter. Lisa doesn’t get it…she could feel it in her bones, she is adopted. Even though the DNA results clearly state she isn’t adopted.
We are at the Mother’s Day 5K. FiNaTTicZ “Don’t Drop That Thun Thun” is playing. Shelia and Dallas are at the starting line and they look awfully serious.
While the 5K is being run Noah and Jill are having their baby shower. Eden and George arrive.
Jill wants to show Eden the nursery and as a side note the Coen Brothers will be filming the birth. Yeah, The Coen Brothers.
Dallas is winning the 5K when she hurts her ankle and falls over. The paramedic wants to know who they should call to pick her up from the hospital. She says if her hair looks good then call George Altman…and then quickly covers with call Carmen.
The 5K is coming to an end and Shelia is in a pack of other Mom’s at the finish line. She pulls it out at the last moment and takes the lead. Ryan is there with her potassium filled banana.
At the baby shower Tessa overhears some women talking about how sad it is when a child chooses to spend Mother’s Day with her Dad. Tessa says you don’t know my situation but the ladies say they are talking about Dallas Royce.
Jill comes out to get George. George gets to the nursery to see Eden freaking out. She is calling them monsters. Eden starts to have stomach pains. She has never had a complication in any of her pregnancies until Chatswin. She isn’t due for weeks so the paramedics come to take her to the hospital. George tells Noah he thinks he should stay home, Jill and Noah stress Eden out. Noah can’t believe George would ask that. This is his child they are talking about. He’s going.
The Shay’s are home from Sheila’s 5K victory. Shelia sees flowers on all the tables. She loves it. There is even an a little orchestra playing in the living room. Out comes James Ingram singing “One Hundred Ways“. Sheila and James recognize each other. She wants to know what he is doing there. Fred hired him. Shelia didn’t think she would ever see him again. Fred looks confused. James wants to know how she has been; she looks good “with her fine ass”. Apparently they dated briefly before she met Fred, something she never told him. James and the orchestra think it would be best to leave.
Lisa is downstairs replacing the blood into the freezer. (which is something I never thought I would have to type while covering Suburgatory) There are blood bags with each family members name on it. They are all B Negative except Ryan. Ryan’s is O Positive. It hits Lisa that it is Ryan who is adopted not her and she starts to cry.
At the hospital George is telling Tessa that Eden had false labor pains. Eden is fine but he is worried about Tessa. George found the rejection letter from the Village Voice and she didn’t mention it to him at all. He says she must be bummed. She lies and says no, she isn’t disappointed. She will find something else. George doesn’t think she is being honest.
Carmen runs past them at that moment to see Ms. Dallas and her broken foot. Tessa goes with Carmen to check on Dallas. Dallas is in her room hallucinating. She thinks she sees Yakult talking to her…Yakult sounds an awful lot like Whoopi Goldberg…Yakult is telling her she is crazy, she needs Dalia. Dallas asks Tessa to call Dalia and ask her to come home. She should have made her stay. Tessa via voice over says Dallas wanted to see her daughter and she doesn’t know why that hurt her feelings, but it did.
Tessa is driving down the road crying. In voice over she is saying that before they moved to Chatswin she never once thought about her Mother, but Mother’s Day in Chatswin made one thing clear…the feeling was mutual. Her Mom never thought about her either.
Tessa gets home and wipes her eyes. A woman calls her name, she turns and it is her Mother’s Mother…Tessa recognizes her face from the pictures. Tessa walks towards her.
“She was looking at the Grandchild she never knew…but me, I was looking at a way out.”
Lots of lies, deception and secrets on Suburgatory tonight, so glad it will be back next season.
Suburgatory airs Wednesday 8:30/9:30c on ABC